Curiosity killed the cat
by Scarlet-Eyed-Demon
Summary: The Ranma universe, as you know it, is incomplete. A piece of the puzzle was never brought to light, forever lost to the darkness. But now that piece has been found, but will this puzzle piece create more mysteries than it solves? RanmaXAkane ShampooX? UkyoX?
1. The first night

**Hello everybody, I'm your new host, Scarlet-Eyed-Demon and this is my first Fanfiction. I know a lot of people rehash the first episode, and I will too, but you start at the beginning and I see no reason to question this wisdom. Without further ado, let's begin!**

Ranma's POV

Of course, it had to be raining! Why'd Pop's think this would be a good idea anyway? Stupid old man; if I wanted to get engaged to someone, I'd do it myself!

"You'd better knock it off!" I threatened the fat panda when he attacked me, of course, he didn't listen and I knocked him one good. Then that dirty sneak went and hit me when my back was turned! I skidded right onto a crowded street.

"Your move," I told the panda and he attacked. I dodged around a bit before commenting, "I still think the whole thing sucks!" Then I managed to throw him over my shoulder, "Picking my fiancée without even asking! I'm going back to China now, so suck on that old man!" Of course, I should've known better than to turn my back on my old man. But in my defense, I didn't expect him to hit me over the head with a freaking STOP SIGN!

Nabiki's POV

"Kasumi! Nabiki! Akane!" I heard Daddy call, but I was too wrapped up in my manga to notice at first. So he came up to my room and got me. I hadn't yet made it out the door when Daddy asked me to go find Akane for him. There was only one place my little sister would be if she wasn't in her room. I headed down to the family dojo and found her breaking cinder blocks. She almost makes it too easy sometimes.

"There you go again Akane. That's exactly the kind of thing that makes the boys think you're so weird," I chastised

"So why should I care Nabiki? Not everybody thinks the whole world revolves around…BOYS!" Akane shouted with her usual spirit.

"No? Then I guess this won't interest you…" I then walked back into the main house, knowing Akane would rise to the bait. She did and then when we were gathered, Daddy told us why he had done so.

"Fiancée?" Kasumi asked and I was a bit surprised myself at first. Daddy then told us about his old training buddy and how he and this training buddy had promised to join the schools by having his son marry one of us.

"Hey, wait a minute! Don't we get to have some say in who we're going to marry?" Akane protested

"Maybe you should wait until you meet him," I advised, "You never know, he might be really cute. Right Daddy?" Daddy chuckled nervously and I knew that was a bad sign. Daddy then told us a little bit more about how they had been on a training mission and had even gone to China. Of course, Kasumi's first question was this Ranma's age. The only thing I wanted to know was how cute he was. But Kasumi only had a taste for *ahem* older men.

"Well what kind of guy is he?" Akane asked

"I don't know," Daddy answered, again with that nervous chuckle.

"You don't know?" I was not amused

"I've never met him," Daddy admitted and I almost sighed. You'd think Daddy would at least want to _meet_ the guy one of his daughters will be marrying.

"Let go you old fool!"

"Sounds like we have visitors," Kasumi remarked

"Oh! It must be Ranma!" I exclaimed and then went to go see. What I saw was a giant panda. Even my normally cool demeanor couldn't stand up to that shock. Also, the panda was carrying someone with red hair.

"Let go pop! You're scaring them spitless!" The unwilling passenger shouted

"So Father, this is your friend?" Kasumi asked in a slightly scared voice. It had been awhile since I had heard Kasumi crack a joke, even given the circumstances. Daddy just shook his head.

"Oh, so this panda just decided to drop in? Is that it Daddy?" I asked with sarcasm, but I didn't have any better ideas myself. Daddy again shook his head. The panda then set the red head down and I got a good look at…her.

"You, wouldn't be..?" Daddy almost didn't dare to finish that question

"I'm Ranma Saotome…sorry 'bout this," She said…well, at least I was right with the 'cute' part of my guess. The boys at school would probably go crazy over her.

"At last, you're here!" Daddy said

"'He' is cute!" I exclaimed before Daddy wrapped her in a hug. He must not have realized the truth yet. For some odd reason, the red head's pig tail then stuck straight out. After about five seconds, Daddy did realize the truth of the situation. I had to restrain from laughing for Daddy's sake.

"She's some boy alright," I remarked

"A girl..?" Daddy then promptly fainted. Guess the shock was too much for him. We got Daddy into the living room with a pillow and blanket until he recovered.

"Poor Father, he must be so disappointed," Kasumi sighed

"He's disappointed?! He's not the only one!" I cried, "Look at her! Some fiancée…"

"Stop it you two, he…she is our guest," Akane said and then Kasumi noticed Daddy had woken up.

"This is all your fault Daddy. Don't you know the difference between a boy and a girl?" I asked. Daddy had had his moments, but this one was a doozy.

"I assumed my friend Genma's son was a _boy_," Daddy defended himself. I then motioned to Ranma.

"Excuse me; does this _look_ like a boy to you?" I asked

"Nabiki, leave her alone, a guest is a guest," Akane told me and I stopped for the moment. Akane then offered to be friends with Ranma and led her to the dojo. With that, I decided to go finish up my manga.

Later that same day, I was walking by the living room, when I saw Daddy was sitting with another guy. The elusive Genma Saotome perhaps? For some reason, they were both crying. Deciding to leave those two to their reunion, I went to look for Kasumi.

"Hey Kasumi, do you know who that man in the living room is?" I asked her

"Who knows?" Kasumi responded and then told me to tell Akane that she could take her bath. I did so and then returned to the kitchen to help with dinner. Five minutes later, a blood-curdling shriek pierced the night.

"I'LL DROWN HIM IN THE BATH TUB!" Akane roared…'him'? Him who? Kasumi and I poked our heads into the living room to see Akane hefting the table.

"Akane, what's going on?" Kasumi asked

"There's a pervert in the bathroom!" Akane shouted

"Well gee Akane, why didn't you just clobber him then?" I asked

"Because I got scared! Is that alright?!" Akane shouted back and then Kasumi said she hoped Ranma was OK. Before we could investigate, a boy showed up. Most likely, the one Akane had been screaming about. He was dressed in Ranma's cloths, but they seemed to fit him better.

"Who are you?" I asked

"I'm ah…Ranma Saotome…sorry 'bout this," He answered and for one of the few times in my life, I was at a loss for words. The only thing that was processing in my brain was that the girl Ranma had vibrant red hair and this one had coal black hair. Even Akane was too stunned to pound him.

"I can explain everything," Daddy said and all the while, Akane was giving the boy Ranma a glare that was just short of putting him six feet under.

"This gets more interesting by the minute," I quipped

"Are you really her? The same who we saw before?" Kasumi asked and I wondered how she had drawn that conclusion. Maybe my sister had been spending too much time in the kitchen.

"I am," Ranma replied and once again, I was shocked. My brain refused to identify this cute guy and that rather 'well built' girl as one and the same. Then Genma helped us along by tossing Ranma into the koi pond. In went a definitely male Ranma and out came a positively female one. Unless these guys were really good magicians, they were telling the truth. But how?

"Oh my," Was all I could think of to say.

"Ranma's a…girl now," Kasumi said, equally unnerved.

"I am so ashamed. I cannot bear to see my son like this, Ranma Saotome, you break your Father's heart," Genma lamented before Ranma jumped out of the koi pond and kicked Genma in. Genma then turned into that panda from earlier.

"Who are you to talk?! My old man's a panda!" Ranma shouted and only one thought was in my head: 'Wouldn't a psychologist love to get his hands on these two'.

"Father, you certainly have some unusual friends," Kasumi quipped. That's two jokes in one day! Must be a record or something.

"They didn't used to be like this. It was training in China that did this to them," Daddy said and after Genma and Ranma had stopped trying to beat each other up, we were told the story of 'Jusenkyo'. They told us that if you fell in one of the springs, you'd change into whatever drowned there. Twenty four hours ago, I would have laughed in their faces. Now, I believe them, having seen the evidence first hand. Judging by the look on Ranma's face, he didn't appreciate his curse. Ranma then started yelling at his dad.

"Ranma, you sound like a girl!" With that, Ranma was thrown into the koi pond again by his 'loving' father. "Were you not prepared to lay down your life for the sake of the Art?!"

"My life, yes! My manhood is a different story!" Ranma shouted and then doused his father in water. Once again, they were fighting. I get the impression that it happens a lot. Then Daddy showed us how the curse worked. When doused with cold water, they turned into their curse forms. When doused with hot water, they returned to normal. I bet Ryu would love to get his hands on a sample of their blood if nothing else.

That's when Daddy brought up that engagement again and to tell the truth, I was a bit…uneasy with the whole prospect of being engaged to someone who was a part-time girl. Of course, Kasumi probably didn't like it either if for no other reason than Ranma was younger than her. So the obvious choice was Akane, she hated boys anyway, so it was probably a blessing in disguise.

"I guess you're in luck Akane," I remarked

"Why me?!" Akane protested

"Because you hate boys," I stated

"Which means you're in luck since Ranma's half girl," Kasumi agreed

"Me? Marry that pervert?! Never!" Akane shouted and then Akane and Ranma got into a fight over the fact that Akane called Ranma a pervert. It's not really his fault he was born a guy, but I wasn't about to have that conversation with my litter sister…again. Daddy and Mr. Saotome then started chuckling.

"You see? They're already the perfect couple!" Daddy proclaimed, which got him yelled at by Akane. Ranma then declared that he was going back to China, presumably for a cure to his curse. It looked like Ranma would get away clean, but then he had to open his big mouth about being 'better built' than Akane. While I don't think he deserved being flattened by the table, he did ask for some retribution. His father was totally unsympathetic.

"Now that, he had coming."

"Nabiki, would you help me take Ranma to his room?" Kasumi asked and I agreed. When Ranma finally woke up, Kasumi told Ranma that Akane was a 'sweet girl, but high spirited'. Yeah, he'll really believe that right after he was swatted like an overgrown bug.

"Oh good Kasumi, like that explains everything," I remarked and then Ranma told us he was going to take a bath. Two minutes later, a resounding *smack* was heard. I guess Akane had been taking her bath. Whoopsies. I went downstairs to wait for Akane. When she did come down, she told me her side of the story.

"But you were both girls at the time! So what's the big deal?" I exclaimed and not for the first time, worried about my little sister's temper. Well, at any rate, this should be an interesting experience.

**Well, that's the end of the first chapter. If any of you are wondering, I will be mostly going by the anime, but will try and include stuff like Saffron and the failed wedding. In other news, I'm surprised how much I enjoyed writing Nabiki. What do you guys think?**


	2. School yard scuffle

**And Chapter 2 is a go. This chapter we see Ranma and Akane going to school and meet a certain someone.**

Ranma's POV

As usual, my Pop had woken me up early for a spar. It was goin' OK until Kasumi called for breakfast. Then Pop just had to have the last laugh by kicking me into the koi pond. But I showed him when I splashed him after he called me sloppy.

"Now look who's being sloppy!" I sneered and then pop hit me in the head with a metal tub that I hit him with first! After we got changed back, Pop dropped the bomb and told me I had ta' go to school! I kicked him for it. Then Nabiki pranced by and told me that I was goin' to the same school she and Akane went to. Akane tried to drag me along, but I protested that I wasn't ready for school. Unfortunately, Pop had already thought of that and had my stuff ready for me. Sneaky so and so. I knew when I had been licked and chased after Akane so she could lead me to school.

"Just remember, we're strangers, OK?" Akane remarked on the way to school. I rolled my eyes and agreed. "I don't want you hanging around me all the time at school."

"You don't have to worry about that. I can't stand tomboys like you," I told her and then found myself hit from behind by Pops.

"You're in no position to be picky about women!" He shouted and was about to go into one of his rants. But I tripped him into the canal.

"Hey, what's the matter Pop? Weren't you going to _say_ something?" I teased and that got Pop real mad. But that just made him sloppy and I easily dodged along the fence. I thought I was safe, but then felt myself get splashed by an old lady with a ladle. Stupid curse makes me a water magnet or something! As I couldn't show up to school on my first day as a girl, Akane suggested we go see her family doctor and get some hot water. I stood in the doorway while Akane went to get the water. Then a bony hand grabbed me and I jumped on the door.

"Pardon me!" The person with the skeleton said in a falsetto. The man then introduced the skeleton as 'Betty'. I was still trying to get my heart rate to somewhere below 180mph. Then Akane ran in and slammed the door on my fingers. I knew it was an accident, but I was still sore about it. Then I noticed Akane seemed awfully shy around the man who she called 'Dr. Tofu'. I then got my hot water and we dashed to school.

Ryu's POV

Scarlet was running unusually late and the Perv Squad was getting anxious. If she didn't hurry, she'd be late and it wasn't like her to be late. So I decided to go see if Nabiki knew anything.

"Hey Nabs, where's Scarlet?" I asked using the name I know she hates. Nabiki ground her teeth a bit, but answered.

"I don't know. She left for school right after I did." Well that was a lot of help. I returned to my classroom and took out the book I was currently reading.

"I HATE BOYS!" There's that familiar battle cry. She's really cutting it close this time. I wonder if those fools will ever learn. Then again, with Kuno at their head, probably not going to happen in my lifetime. I remained in my seat, nothing I hadn't seen far too many times before.

"Sounds like she's finished early," One of the girls remarked

"Is that a new record?" Another asked

"Two minutes and fifteen seconds. That's only five seconds slower than her best," A third stated and then we heard Kuno's latest speech. Some of my cats have had a finer grasp on the poetic arts than Kuno does. I mostly tuned it out until

"You there! Aren't you being awfully familiar with Akane?" Who's being familiar with Scarlet? I headed over to the window and saw a new kid standing next to Akane. I was somewhat surprised to see a boy standing that close to her and not be seriously injured. Kuno then asked his name, but then gave his own first. Along with the new title of 'Blue Thunder'. He even managed to coordinate it with a lightning bolt. The kid seemed to be a little stunned at Kuno's speech; I couldn't blame him, and then stuttered out that he was staying with the Tendo family.

"May God rest his poor, unfortunate soul," I then made a cross over myself before snickering. A few of the girls shot me dirty looks, but most just nodded their head in agreement. I wonder what he did to deserve such an awful fate. In any event, this news infuriated Kuno. Kuno charged the kid with his bokken a he was finally able to introduce himself as Ranma Saotome while doing a back-flip to avoid Kuno's attack. I had to admit, he was pretty light on his feet if nothing else.

"Well this is an interesting turn of events," One of the girls commented

"There go this morning's bets," Added another and then the fight began. Kuno went all out and brought down the stone wall and a tree I was somewhat fond of. But Ranma managed to dodge all of Kuno's attacks. I was impressed, not many could do that. I still got nicked from time to time when I arouse Kuno's ire. During the fight, Ranma told Kuno that he could have Scarlet as she was more likely to kill someone than kiss him. Kuno didn't take kindly to the insults, but Ranma was right, Scarlet's temper was legendary, even if no one would say anything to her face except me.

In the middle of the fight, it began to rain and a blur of black and white dashed past Kuno, grabbed Ranma, and ran into the school. This bears investigation. Unfortunately, class was about to start so I couldn't go track down Scarlet to grill her just yet. Eventually, Scarlet and Ranma did get to class and the teacher did the usual 'new kid introduction' routine. According to the teacher, Ranma had just returned from China. Then he and Scarlet both got bucket duty. So naturally, I grabbed a bucket of my own and left the class room. I had done this often enough, so the teacher didn't even bother protesting.

"So Scarlet, who the new victi… I mean kid?" I asked

"Hey Ryu," She responded

"Scarlet? Who's Scarlet?" Ranma asked

"He means me dummy. My name means 'scarlet' and for whatever reason that's what Ryu calls me," Scarlet explained

"But I thought you said you hate boys Akane?" Ranma questioned

"I am one of the sacred few whom Lady Akane has forgiven their Y chromosome," I quipped and Scarlet gave me one of her patented long suffering looks.

"Ryu and I have been friends since the third grade and pretty much the only boy who isn't involved in that fiasco you saw before," Scarlet explained

"Anyway, back to the original question; what has this poor boy done that warrants a stay at your house?" I asked

"Very funny, for your infor-" We were then interrupted by Kuno trying to splash Ranma.

"Never Ranma Saotome! I shall never accept your engagement to Akane Tendo!" Wait…ENGAGED?! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. For today, we have indeed lost a noble warrior. If I know Mr. Tendo, it was probably some kind of arranged marriage. Baka still thinks it's the feudal era. Just never thought anyone else was that delusional. Then the halls exploded with everyone yapping about this engagement business. Kuno then attacked, but Ranma dodged.

"This is no place to fight. If you wanna fight, then follow me!" Ranma ordered and Kuno followed. It might be good for a few laughs, so I followed along. Right up until they jumped out the third story window. I paused, and then climbed out the window too.

"Ryu you idiot!" Scarlet shouted after me, but I was in the mood for a quick dip; even if I did still have my clothes on.

**I think that's a good place to stop. Until next time!**


	3. Revelations of a certain kind

**Hello everyone! First off, I'd like to thank Compucles for the kind review and bwatt for following this story! I can't think of anything else, so on with the story!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Ranma ½, do you think I'd be sitting here writing a fanfiction about it?**

Akane's POV

Those idiot boys! They're just lucky there was the pool there to save them! I can't believe Ryu would do something so…on second thought, I do believe it. Then there's that idiot Ranma! Is he trying to expose his curse to the whole school?! As we all watched, Ryu was the first to climb out of the pool, followed shortly by Kuno and Ranma, who flew out of the pool and then threw Kuno into the ground. He seemed to be pretty ticked off and after he was finished with Kuno, he bolted away. I guess I have to go bring him some hot water. I eventually found him wringing out his cloths on a tree branch.

"Hey, dummy!" I called, "Just how stupid can you be Ranma?"

"You talkin' to me, Akane?" Ranma asked

"Throwing yourself into the pool like that?" I questioned and then Ranma made a face at me. "Guess you don't want this then." I motioned to the kettle of hot water.

"No! I want it I want it I want it!" Ranma shouted and then I heard footsteps. It was either Kuno or Ryu and either way, I didn't want them learning about Ranma's curse. I threw the kettle to Ranma and went to distract whoever it was. When I found the person, he turned out to be Kuno. I did the only thing that would buy Ranma time, I challenged him. He then told me that if I beat him, he'd 'allow' me to date him. Like I'd want to date that pervert! Unfortunately, I accidentally threw Kuno right into Ranma's hot water kettle. Then Kuno inadvertently insulted Ranma's manhood right in front of him and he didn't take it well. Kuno could have gotten away with only minor head injuries, but he insisted on trying to get Ranma to date him. So Ranma beat him up. Ranma then took Kuno's bokken and told Kuno 'Ranma Saotome is even better than me'.

"Come on Akane, let's go home," Ranma said and we left. But we didn't get too far before running into Ryu.

"Hey Scarlet, do you know what happened to Ranma? He vanished from the pool and I know I was the first one out," Ryu said and then noticed Ranma, "Er, who's this?"

"Nobody, no one you need to worry about," I told him

"Really? You expect me to believe you're just walking around with some random girl who doesn't appear to be wearing much in the way of pants? Nice try Scarlet, but that's strike one."

"She's my cousin. She's just visiting and that's why I left school early," I lied and Ryu arched and eyebrow.

"I guess you don't remember that I was at your family reunion three years ago. I think I would have remembered someone with such striking red hair. It isn't the most usual color you know. That's strike two." I knew I was in trouble and Ranma wasn't doing anything to help. I looked over at him and he just shrugged. Guess Ryu was going to find out sooner or later anyway.

"OK, the truth is, this is Ranma," I braced myself for anything. Ryu could be…unpredictable at times.

"And how exactly did he become a she?" He asked, only instead of the doubt I had somewhat expected, he sounded genuinely interested.

"You're just going to accept it like that?!" Ranma exclaimed in surprise

"I have a rather 'open' mind when it comes to the supernatural," Ryu answered and on the way home we explained Jusenkyo. "This should prove amusing." He said after we were done.

"Ryu! Honestly!" I shouted and then punched him in the arm.

"What? It's not like I'm planning anything like Nabiki's probably planning!" Ryu defended himself.

"What's Nabiki probably planning?" Ranma asked, a little nervous

"More than likely she's planning to sell pictures of you in both forms in various states of undress and activity," Ryu answered and Ranma didn't seem to know how to respond to that.

Ryu's POV

I followed Ranma and Scarlet all the way home and before I could leave, Kasumi offered to let me stay for dinner. Never being one to turn down free food, especially Kasumi's cooking, I accepted. Eventually, I found myself in the dojo listening to Ranma's father babbling about honor and what a disappointment Ranma was. If it weren't for his exaggerated facial expressions, I probably would have puked. Finally, Ranma got sick of it and kicked a bucket of water at the old man. After a few moments delay, he became a panda. The now panda tried to yell at his son, but found it difficult to do so without the gift of human speech. Eventually he gave up and exited the dojo, but not before hitting his head on the way out. I was satisfied. Ranma seemed to be pretty pleased with himself too.

Ranma's POV

These curses may suck, but they do have their uses from time to time. The justice was even sweeter when I found out the hot water was out in the bathroom. That meant Pops had to go to the public baths! So while I had some peace, I started thinkin' about what a day I had had on my first day of school. It coulda probably won a medal or somethin' for how crazy it was. There was that Kuno creep who seemed like the biggest idiot in the world and that Ryu character. Akane says he's OK, but he seems…strange. I guess no stranger than I am anyway. In any case, after thinking back, I decided I should go thank Akane for helping out.

Nabiki's POV

I was in Akane's room doing some stretches while Akane was finishing her homework. She had just spent the last ten minutes complaining about Ranma's curse.

"I don't see what the big deal is. I think it's cool he can turn into a girl," I remarked and then Akane snapped her pencil.

"That's easy for you to say Nabiki! My life might as well be over if I have to marry a stupid jerk like him! Why don't you marry him if he's so 'cool'?!" Akane shouted, "Think about it, I'm engaged to my worst nightmare!"

"Gee little sis, don't you think that's a bit harsh?" I asked

"No!" Akane shouted vehemently

"Ryu seems to think he's OK," I commented

"Ryu is Ryu. He's great and all, but what goes on in that boy's head should _stay_ in his head," Akane quipped and I had to admit she has a point. Ryu always was a strange case; even when he was just eight and Akane brought him over for the first time.

Ranma's POV

She may be rude, but I still wanted to thank her in some way. So on the way to school I offered to help her fend off those crazy boys at school.

"Excuse me; we don't know each other, remember?" She responded

"But you know they're waiting for you," I remarked

"I'm fine on my own, thanks," She said and continued walking. If she doesn't want my help then fine. At least I offered. As I watched her fight off the crowd, I had to admit, she wasn't half bad, but her style was more geared towards fighting large crowds. Not surprising, I suppose. Anyway, for some reason, that Kuno guy didn't show up.

After school, Akane had begged me to spar with her, so I was doing just that.

"Don't you get tired of fighting those boys every day?" I asked

"You bet I do!" She shouted and then I leaped over her using her kick for momentum

"When you're cranky, you don't look that cute," I teased Akane and made a face. Before Akane could start attacking again, Nabiki interrupted us with a letter. It said that Kuno would meet the 'tree-borne kettle girl' behind the school at five thirty-six PM tonight. It looked like a challenge letter. I told Akane that I wasn't going, but then decided to go anyway. I arrived as a girl at the stated time, but Kuno was late. Before I finally gave up on him, he showed up and threw something at me. I caught it and then saw it was a bouquet of flowers. I was shocked, but that was nothing compared to what happened next.

"Pig-tailed girl, I love you," And then Kuno walked away. I was so shocked that I fell to my knees.

**And so this chapter is finished. I hope next chapter can get in a decent school scene. I have something that I want to do. Until next time!**


	4. Shutter bug

**This is so exciting that I can't stop writing! I'll fit in the school scene if it kills me!**

**Disclaimer: Someday I may own half of Ranma ½. However, that day is not today.**

Akane's POV

It was almost time for school and that lamebrain Ranma decided it would be a good idea to take a bath. I just hope he doesn't expect to be able to eat breakfast. Not much later, a female Ranma could be heard yelling at his father for some reason or another. Daddy went to go break it up and we followed. I wish we hadn't as _somehow_ Daddy's hand ended up on Ranma's chest.

"It's…uh…it's not what it seems…uh," Before Daddy could mutter any further, Ranma punched him in the face. Under other circumstances, I would have gotten angry with Ranma, but he was justified.

On the way to school, I noticed Ranma was yawning a lot.

"Couldn't sleep last night?" I asked

"Yeah, I had this totally gross nightmare," Ranma responded

"You're not kidding, you look terrible. I hate baggy eyed boys," I quipped

"Yeah, well, I hate tomboys, so there," Ranma shot back and then we stuck our tongues out at each other. Then I realized that we would be late and so we bolted. Ranma and I took care of the crowd with ease and then KO'd Kuno.

Nabiki's POV

Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to go tend to Kuno in the Nurse's office. I was trying to treat his wounds when he suddenly sat up and declared his love for 'his girl in pigtails'. Then he fell back down. Then he got back up again and said something about Akane. This continued back and forth between Akane and Ranma until I finally got fed up and hit him in the head with a metal pan.

"Are you quite finished now, Kuno?" I asked irately

"That hurt, Nabiki Tendo," Kuno answered and then I asked him if dating girls was the only thing he thought about. "Fear not Nabiki Tendo. I have no intention of asking you out," I couldn't decide whether to feel insulted or relieved.

"Oh, I'm so disappointed," I quipped sarcastically

Akane's POV

It was finally lunch time and Ryu and I got a spot under a tree. Soon Ranma came around with his lunch. For some strange reason he looked at Ryu funny and then sat on the other side of me.

"What's your problem Ranma?" I asked as he kept looking over at Ryu as if he had some sort of contagious disease.

"Me thinks he has been hearing the rumblings of the rumor mills," Ryu quipped

"Oh good grief, what's it going to take for them to lay off of you?" I asked in frustration

"So, what did they say this time? That I was an escaped nut case, maybe? Or perhaps a mad scientist on probation?" Ryu asked

"I heard them say you l-l-like other guys," Ranma stuttered nervously and Ryu rolled his eyes.

"Ah yes, that one's a particular favorite subject. I suppose it got dragged up again along with your name?" Ryu asked and Ranma mutely nodded, "They seem to be under the impression that since I'm not out there with the rest of the male population trying to rape Scarlet that I'm so gay that I can't even walk straight. I've tried everything I could, but they won't be convinced I'm straight until I do the deed with some girl. And even then, they might insist on watching, just to make sure. Even then there's the off chance that they'll just start saying I'm bi. But I can promise you, I'm straight as an arrow flies."

"So then, why aren't you out there?" Ranma asked

"Several reasons, chiefly among them the fact that I'm supposed to be Scarlet's friend. Also, I just don't feel like dating anyone. Maybe one day, but for now I'm content with the way things are." Ryu answered

Ranma's POV

Akane had gone off to the bathroom so I decided ta' ask Ryu something.

"Hey Ryu, you don't like Akane, do ya?" I asked. Ryu looked at me for all of three seconds before bursting out in laughter. When he finally calmed down, he answered

"No, I don't like Scarlet, not in that way. I believe the phrase 'it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there' is appropriate. After all, I prefer _not_ having to eat through a straw, thank you very much." If he didn't want to eat through a straw, then why was he saying stuff like that? "Don't worry about it, if you'd asked Scarlet the same thing about me, she'd have said something along the lines of 'I couldn't stand being in a relationship with such a crazy otaku'." Before I could ask him anything else, the bell rang.

Akane's POV

I was doing my after school workout and as usual, Nabiki was taking pictures of me. In the middle of my workout, an arrow came flying through the air and landed right in the wood of the house.

"That could've hurt someone," I remarked and then we spotted the letter attached. Nabiki read it and then handed it to me. For some reason Kuno was asking Nabiki to go to a café with him. It was possibly so she could sell him pictures and scam him for free food. The only reason I put up with this is because it gets Nabiki to stop selling photos of Ryu to gays.

Nabiki's POV

I arrived at the café at the scheduled time and found Kuno sitting there. He bought me some food and then told me to deliver a doll to his 'pig-tailed goddess'. Upon hearing this, I wasn't able to keep myself from laughing. This was too beautiful. Ranma, probably the most macho guy I've ever met, is being given a cute little dolly for his girl half!

"Now look what you made me do," I grumbled after I had gotten control of myself. I'm supposed to be the ice queen! Laughing out loud is not part of the ice queen persona. Then I got down to business and mentioned the photos I had of Ranma's girl half. I told him that if he bought me spaghetti then I'd show him the pictures. He took me to a place that sold spaghetti and I laid out the shots. I offered him a thousand yen per shot.

"She's so…unashamed before the camera," Kuno remarked

"Unashamed is a good word for her. You'd almost thing she's a boy," I quipped

"I protest, the heavens themselves would weep at a thousand yen per shot." Kuno said

"So then you don't want them?" I asked

"I'll take them all!" Kuno declared and gave me the cash. Now to go in for the kill.

"Gee, my poor little sister. To have been tossed out so quickly for this new girl," I commented

"Who says I've tossed her out?" Kuno asked

"You're going to two-time her then?" I questioned, hoping the answer was yes.

"Don't be so vulgar. Powerful and spirited Akane, like Diana on the hunt. Pig-tailed girl, bursting with healthy beauty. They are both so dear to me; I cannot bear to part with them. You call it deceit that I would date with them both? Thus do quick, bright things come to confusion." Kuno answered

"Not at all, Kuno-baby; that's what I would call two-timing," I remarked and then Kuno's thoughts began to wander. I decided to pull him back to earth.

"I have a few pictures of Akane as well."

"What?! Hand them over!" Kuno demanded

"Buy me some ice cream," I countered

"That's no fair!" But Kuno gave in. He always does. He took me to the ice cream parlor and I laid down the shots of Akane. Again the price as a thousand yen each. He gave me the money and then I got an idea.

"How about I throw in a bonus? I'll tell you the quickest way to get that doll to the pig-tailed girl," I told him and he leapt at the chance. But first he had to get me coffee. "The fastest way to get your dolly to the pig-tailed girl is to give it to Ranma."

"But how can he help me?" Kuno asked suspiciously

"Trust me on this one, OK?" I then enjoyed the rest of my coffee while Kuno wrote a note Ranma. After that, I returned home to give Ranma the note. It really was too easy sometimes.

Ranma's POV

"Salutations, Ranma Saotome," Kuno greeted me

"Now what is it Kuno? What do you want me for?" I asked

"You will address me as 'upperclassmen'." Kuno told me, but Hell would have to freeze over first. He then tossed me a doll. Kuno then told me that Nabiki and told him that the fastest way to get the doll to the 'pig-tailed girl' was to give it to me. I'll get her for this!

"Forget about her, if I have any say in the matter, she'll never appear before you ever again," I told Kuno and left. I didn't get too far before getting drenched in water. Then Kuno rounded the corner looking for my male half and found me as a girl. Kuno tried to hug me and I punched him in the face. He then got me in a bear hug before I could do anything about it.

"And what exactly is going on here?" Thank goodness! Ryu must have been passing by and saw me getting 'hugged' by Kuno.

"Be gone foul beast! For I am wrapping my pig-tailed goddess in my warm embrace and do not wish to be disturbed by the likes of you," Kuno barked

"'Warm embrace? More like the cold embrace of Death. I'm sure she appreciates you crushing her to death," Ryu quipped and then Nabiki walked up and poured boiling water on me. I'll have to find a way to pay her back for that too.

"You OK there Ranma?" She asked sweetly

"Ranma?" Kuno wondered and then I broke free and kicked him in the face.

"How long were you planning to hold me pal?" I snarled, "Do you get it now? My secret?"

"I had no idea. Imagine, Ranma Saotome, a practitioner of Black Magic. Egad! For surely you and the foul beast Tomoe must be in league together!" Kuno cried and I almost fell down some stairs in shock. "Where have you hidden my goddess? Do not try and fool me with your petty trickery evil ones!"

"Oh come on, it's not like that!" I protested, but it was too late.

"Looks like we're going to have to spell everything out for him," Nabiki mused

"I'd rather just kick him to the curb for the sanitation department to take care of," Ryu quipped

"But then I'd lose my best source of income," Nabiki protested and then turned to Kuno, "Come here Kuno-baby, here's the thing. That girl you like, well, her body and soul both belong to Ranma. And you know what that means don't you?" Nabiki asked just before a wash tub landed on Kuno's head. Ryu just face palmed.

"Her body…and her soul? You Svengali!" Kuno yelled and tossed the tub at me and I barely dodged.

"Knock it off Kuno! And you're not helping either Nabiki!" Ryu shouted

"Kuno, how stupid can you be?" I asked

"Silence wretch! I can see all too well what you evil has done. You, along with the foul beast Tomoe!" Kuno then put on a 'puppet show' that depicted Ryu and me raping the pig-tailed girl. At the end, Nabiki actually clapped.

"Kuno, this means war," Ryu said, "I get enough grief about my sexual life without you adding to the heap!"

"And leave me out of your sick fantasies!" I exclaimed

"Silence, you enslavers of women!" Then Kuno charged us with his bokken. "I shall smite both of ye and then I shall rescue the pig-tailed one!"

"Oh I get it, so if you lose, you'll forget all about her?" I asked hopefully as I kicked Kuno. But then it started raining pictures…pictures of my girl half in various positions and clothes seemed to be optional. I guess Ryu had been right about Nabiki taking pictures of me. While we were distracted, Kuno managed to land a powerful blow on each of us.

"OK, now we get serious!" Ryu shouted as I collected more pictures. Then Kuno thrust his bokken at me and I dodged…right in front of Akane. Unfortunately, I was given a free look at Akane's polka-dot panties. Thankfully, I didn't mention that until after Akane had warned me of Kuno's temper.

"Dry up and DIE!" Akane then punted me right back in front of Kuno.

"At last, the game ends," Kuno said and then started attacking at lighting fast speeds. I could barely keep up, but I did.

"Get out of the way!" I shouted at Akane, but she didn't listen. So I had to kick Kuno at all his vital points as fast as I could. I managed to do it and Kuno was now toast.

"It's all over Kuno," I told him

"You will address me as 'upper-'" Kuno then fainted. Akane inspected Kuno's body and saw that each of my blows had hit home.

"That's impressive," Ryu whistled.

"I thought 'upperclassmen' Kuno would put up more of a fight," I quipped

"But you both took hits, didn't you?" Akane asked

"It's nothing," We both said, and then Akane had to touch the spots where we got hit. I grunted and groaned while trying not to cry out. Ryu just stood there like nothing had happened.

"How…are…you…just standing there?" I groaned

"Eight years with Akane Tendo tends to toughen you up at least a little bit," He remarked and then Akane punched him in the spot. He began to tear up, but didn't crumble. "I'll get you for that, Scarlet."

"Hey, what was it that distracted the two of you anyway?" Akane asked and I showed her some of the pictures. She sighed, turned, and left while mumbling something about halving a talk with Nabiki later.

"Can't blame a girl for trying to make a little extra cash!" Nabiki chirped after her and was soon followed by Ryu for some reason and I began wondering if I would still be alive in a year's time.

Ryu's POV

"Hey Scarlet, do you mind explaining these photos?" I asked while holding up one of Scarlet breaking bricks.

"No." She said curtly and continued walking, but her response had told me everything I needed to know.

"You don't have to do this. I can handle perverts and weirdoes just as well as you can," I told her

"But at least all the perverts after me are of the other gender! You tried to hide it, but I could see how awful you felt each and every time one of them came knocking on your door. Just because you don't have parents doesn't mean no one can look after you!" She shouted at me

"But selling pictures to _Kuno_? I'd rather Nabiki keep taking pictures of me and selling them to gays than having Kuno gawk at you. You're my friend; I couldn't let you do that," I protested

"I can and I will. It's my body and my choice. Nabiki only sells those photos to Kuno and Gosunkugi. Two guys against the God knows how many that could come after you. I think that's a fair trade," Akane told me in a tone that brokered no argument and continued on her way. But this matter was by no means closed.

**Le gasp! Akane is letting Nabiki take pictures of her? From this point on, I'm going to be trying to distance myself a little bit at a time from the canon events of the anime. It won't happen overnight, but hopefully by season 3 the canon will be little more than a 'general guideline'. **


	5. Broken bones and Broken Hearts

**OK, after the revelation last chapter, how will things proceed? **

**Disclaimer: Which half would you think I own? The boy or the girl half? **

Ranma's POV

Stupid Kuno! If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had to be watching my step because of where he hit me! Well, at least there were potato chips…up until I nearly choked on them. I downed some water and threw the bag in a fit of anger. Then I noticed Pops was offering himself up as a punching back, and I gladly accepted.

Akane's POV

Kasumi had asked me to go shopping after I had reflexively hit Daddy during a sparring match. Maybe Nabiki and Ryu are right. Maybe I should start really working on controlling my temper. Heaven knows if those two agree on something then it's serious. On the way to the market, I noticed the beautiful sunset and thought on the insults Ranma and I had traded that morning. Then whom should I run across but Ranma himself. Ranma opened his mouth, but I beat him to it.

"Ranma, I'm sorry about this morning," I apologized and continued on, leaving a stunned Ranma in my wake. I was surprised when I felt better after apologizing. Maybe Nabiki and Ryu really were on to something.

"Wait up Akane!" I heard Ranma call, "I'm sorry too." He said and then sprinted away, as if embarrassed he had said such a thing. He probably was, raised the way he was. I then watched as Ranma ran straight into a poll. That meant I had to drag Ranma's semi-conscious carcass to Dr. Tofu. When he finally came to, the first words out of his mouth were 'stupid tomboy'. I lifted the bed he was on and he fell out of it. I hope that jerk was hurting! Dr. Tofu then picked him up and got to work. In the mean time, he guessed who Ranma was.

"It's not our fault! It's our stupid parents!" I shouted

"You've both got plenty of time. You're both still children, after all," Dr. Tofu remarked and I wanted to say I wasn't a child, but I guess I was to him.

"That hurts ya' know!" Ranma barked after Dr. Tofu was done.

"Really? That's strange; where does it hurt?" Dr. Tofu asked

"Hey, it's OK now…I'm fixed!" Ranma exclaimed

"Dr. Tofu's the best," I told him and then we got up to leave. Just before we left, Dr. Tofu had a chat with Ranma, but I didn't hear what was said. After that, Dr. Tofu sent us on our way.

"So, what did you two talk about?" I asked

"Nothing much, just how hard it must be for me to live with a tomboy like you," Ranma quipped and then jumped back into a ready stance. "Come and get it!" I just sighed and continued on, but Ranma came up to me. "Come on, it was a joke. Why do girls have to be so moody?"

"'Cause you're a fool," I grumbled, "Are you trying to pick a fight?!" I shouted

"Now _that's _the Akane I'm used to!" Ranma exclaimed and I took a swipe at him. Then Ranma suddenly collapsed. I guessed that Dr. Tofu must have hit a pressure point on him for some reason and bent down to offer him a ride on my back. At first, he was reluctant, but as soon as I splashed him with water, he grudgingly agreed. I then carried her piggy back all the way home.

The next morning, Mr. Saotome announced that he had gotten a job.

"What? Is there an opening at the zoo or something?" Ranma asked and that got Nabiki to give one of her rare laughs. I then noticed Ranma was wringing his shirt out…while he was a she. So I quickly doused him with hot water to change him back, unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough to save Daddy's eyes.

"Have you no sense of feminine…what am I saying? Of course you don't. You're a guy; of course, you don't have feminine modesty. I guess someone will just have to teach you," I sighed

"What's feminine modesty?" Ranma asked and I face palmed. Then during breakfast, Kasumi asked me to give Dr. Tofu one of his books back. I told her I couldn't and then dragged Ranma out the door before he could say anything. Unfortunately, in my rush to get to school and keep Ranma from telling Kasumi about my crush on Dr. Tofu, he got wet and I didn't notice until we were at school. Right in front of the Pervert Squad. Today was going to be one of those days. On the up side, The Pervert Squad informed me that they had thrown in the towel and wouldn't be after me anymore. The reason was because Ranma had beaten Kuno. Then the bandaged Kuno showed up and made a speech. I felt a headache coming on then. I tried to get a few laughs in when Kuno announced he loved Ranma's girl half, but it backfired. He was gonna two time us.

When we managed to get to class, I saw I wasn't alone in my suffering today. One of the cheerleaders were harassing Ryu. She walked to his desk and slammed her hands down.

"Can I help you?" Ryu asked without looking up from his book.

"You stay away from Ranma, you hear me?" She growled and I just barely caught the dangerous glint that appeared in Ryu's eyes before it vanished again.

"Who stole your curds and whey this morning, Miss Muffet?" Ryu asked, still not looking away from his book, but I saw that his eyes weren't moving across the page. The cheerleader then made the grievous mistake of snatching away Ryu's book. There are a few sure-fire ways to get Ryu ticked off, and this one was probably his biggest pet peeve. Ryu sat there for a moment, as if in disbelief that someone would dare take his book then fixed the cheerleader with his 'Evil Eye mark 4'. "I am giving you one chance and one chance only. Give me back the book _or else_." The cheerleader went pale, returned the book, and fled the room.

"What's the matter Ryu, you usually settle for the mark 2," I remarked

"What do you think the matter is? I had a nightmare last night of Kuno raping you because of those _pictures_," Ryu grumbled, thankfully, I was spared answering by the bell.

Ryu's POV

It was gym class. It was the worst of times and the best of times. I loved going outside to get some exercise, but loathed the looks the other guys gave me while in the locker room. Anyway, that day we were doing a little gymnastics and Ranma was very good. But it was only natural for a martial artist to be graceful…most of the time.

After Ranma's bit, he sat down next to Daisuke and Hiroshi, two of the biggest perverts in school. Whether this was coincidence or fate, having a laugh at Ranma, was up for debate. Daisuke and Hiroshi then pestered Ranma on whether or not he had done 'it' yet with Akane. Ranma had no clue what they were talking about and they thought he was just playing innocent. The two perverts kept dropping hints until Ranma finally pieced it together…I think.

"Are you kidding? With that tomboy?" Ranma protested

"She's wasted on you Saotome," Daisuke remarked

"Knock it off you pervs. We're here for PE, not gawking at the girls," I said

"Buzz off Tomoe," Hiroshi muttered and then Ranma got nailed by a softball to the face. Wait…what?

"That's got to hurt," Daisuke winced in sympathy and then I saw that it had been Scarlet that had hit Ranma. Coincidence? I think not!

"I thought you were a martial artist? Couldn't you have caught that or something?" Hiroshi asked

"I had something on my mind," Ranma groaned and continued on with the day.

On the way to the Tendo home, Scarlet was apologizing profusely for hitting Ranma with the ball and Ranma kept telling her to forget about it. Then we spotted Ranma's old man sweeping Dr. Tofu's walkway. Then Dr. Tofu came out and offered us tea and snacks. We then told him that the panda he had hired for whatever reason; was Ranma's dad. Then Dr. Tofu noticed Ranma's bruise. Dr. Tofu went to go get something for it and then the phone rang.

"Mr. Saotome, could you get that for me?" Dr. Tofu asked, but how a panda was supposed to answer the phone…I see. He was able to growl and make it sound somewhat like he was talking. But Scarlet decided to take the phone to help out. When Scarlet finished with the phone, she told us she was leaving. Ranma then stopped her and confronted her about her crush on Dr. Tofu. Akane then answered that it didn't matter because Dr. Tofu already liked someone else. A certain Kasumi Tendo to be precise.

"She's coming over right now," Scarlet said and then the door opened and the little old ladle lady walked in.

"That sly fox," Ranma snickered

"Not her, you idiot!" Akane snapped

"So who is it then, who is Dr. Tofu in love with?!" Ranma questioned

"Stick around and you'll find out soon enough. But I'd recommend you stay a safe distance from Dr. Tofu when she does," I quipped and Ranma gave me a questioning look. I didn't answer it and instead felt sorry for Akane. I had tried to get her to drop this silly crush, but I guess it'll take something more drastic than what I'm prepared to do to get her to drop it.

**During these first few episodes, I always did feel sorry for Akane and her hopeless crush on Tofu. Anyway, until next time!**


	6. Love Hurts

**OK, it seems I am starting to form a pattern…two chapters every time I sit down to write…weird.**

**Disclaimer: What's that? I won the sweepstakes for part ownership of Ranma ½? Oh, guess I didn't.**

Ranma's POV

I didn't know what was going on other than Ryu was giving Akane a slightly pitying look and Akane was being very secretive. Akane then let out a sigh and told me that Dr. Tofu liked Kasumi.

"Are you sure about Dr. Tofu? I mean, he didn't make an announcement or anything about it, did he?" I asked and Ryu snorted

"No, but it's painfully obvious. Just stick around and you'll know that there's no doubt about Dr. Tofu's feelings," He remarked and Akane nodded in agreement. Dr. Tofu then walked out with that cream for my face just as Kasumi walked in and Dr. Tofu's glasses seemed to fog up. Suddenly I found my neck at a ninety degree angle and I couldn't move it back.

"What the heck's goin' on here?!" I shouted

"I probably should have mentioned that the 'painfully' part of my last remark wasn't just a turn of phrase. It really is painful," Ryu commented

"Gee, thanks!" I barked at him

"Hello, Dr. Tofu," Kasumi greeted

"Kasumi! Fancy meeting you here!" Dr. Tofu said in a slightly deranged sounding voice. He then continued to make an absolute fool o' himself. Ryu and Akane were right. It _is_ obvious.

"Hey doc," I called

"Yes Akane, what is it?" Dr. Tofu asked

"I'm Ranma," I told him

"OK Ranma, what seems to be the problem?"

"My neck is killing me."

"Another injury? What am I going to do with you?" Tofu wondered and then dislocated my neck in the other direction. Me and my big mouth! Akane and Ryu then decided to leave and I sure wasn't going to be left here with Dr. Tofu when he was like that, so I followed. I lost them, but eventually tracked them down to a spot on the side of the canal where Akane was throwing rocks…very big rocks. I walked up behind them and thought Akane was crying. So I made a funny face to try and cheer her up. I got slammed into the ground for my troubles.

"Scarlet, I believe Ranma was injured enough; did you really have to do that to him?" Ryu asked

"Well he shouldn't have snuck up on me!" Akane shouted and I got up. I then found out that Akane had somehow fixed my neck!

"Hey, I'm cured!" I exclaimed

"How nice for you," Akane said dryly

"There, it's nice to see you're back to your usual self," I remarked

"What did you say?" Akane growled

"Now that's the ticket!" She stormed off and snatched up her book bag to leave. Naturally, I followed. Eventually we got into a small fight, but then Akane turned the tables by telling me that I liked her!

"Scarlet, that's a little bit of a jump in logic, don't you think?" Ryu commented, but Akane ignored him

"Admit it, that's why you're following me!" She then ran and jumped onto a poll in the middle of the canal. I wasn't so lucky.

"What am I going to do with you two?" Ryu sighed

"Got you!" Akane crowed and started laughing.

"What's gotten into her?" I wondered to myself, but of course, no one answered. Eventually I got out of the canal and on the way home, Akane ask that I lend her some money so we could all go get something to eat.

"If you lend me money, then it'll be my treat," Akane told me and I still don't see how that works. When I asked Ryu, he just told me not to question female logic. So we headed to the closest fast food joint, McDonalds, and bought some food to go. We eventually found a nice place in the park to sit and eat. We ate in silence for awhile and threw some paper basketballs. Then I noticed Akane grabbing her third double cheese burger after a thing of nuggets.

"Still hungry?" I asked

"So I'm not all dainty like Kasumi, big deal!" She snapped

"Hey, that is not what I said," I protested

"Scarlet's always seen Kasumi as a bit of a rival. In her mind, Kasumi's about as good as it gets and she feels inadequate sometimes," Ryu explained

"Thanks Ryu, but I could have told him myself," Akane muttered and Ryu raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "As long as I can remember, Dr. Tofu's been in love with Kasumi…" She then told me one particular incident where Dr. Tofu went nuts. Somehow, he had managed to electrocute himself. "And then Dr. Tofu ran all over town while carrying Betty on his back." I had to laugh a bit at that.

"Tell me you're kidding!"

"I wish she was. I ended up getting clocked by Betty's femur that day," Ryu commented, "Not an experience I'd wish to repeat."

"Dr. Tofu would never do something silly like that for my sake," Akane sighed

"Come on, you two are pulling my leg," I said

"We're telling the truth!" Akane exclaimed

"Man, he must really have it bad then." I remarked

"It's all true, cross my heart and hope to die," Ryu swore

"Stupid jerk," I muttered

"He's really in love," Akane said

"And that leaves you with a really broken heart, now doesn't it?" I observed and then realized what I had said. We lapsed into an awkward silence and then Dr. Tofu ran by with Betty riding on his back…just like Ryu and Akane had said. He even danced around a bit with her! I couldn't keep myself from giggling a bit and then Akane announced she was going home. Alone.

"Hey, you never know, I mean, it's not impossible…" I said

"Would you stop trying to be nice to me? I have a broken heart, or have you forgotten already?!" Akane shouted

"Well then, you've gotta realize these things happen," I told her and she let out a humorless laugh.

"You sounded just like Ryu for a moment; he was always trying to get me to forget Dr. Tofu because he knew it'd end this way…" I noticed tears gathering in Akane's eyes. She then ran off. I turned to Ryu.

"How do I help her?" I demanded

"I don't know. She's been hung up over Dr. Tofu for quite awhile and that makes the heart break all the more sever. It'd probably be best to leave her alone for awhile while she gets her thoughts and emotions in order. Otherwise you two might get into a shouting match and say things you don't mean," Ryu told me and then I noticed I had left my school bag back at Dr. Tofu's clinic.

"Hey Ryu, you mind coming with me to get my bag?" I asked and he shrugged and came along. "Ryu, are you a martial artist?"

"I piss Kuno off on a regular basis. In the interest of my continued survival, it was kinda more of a need than want," Ryu answered

"Why does he hate you?" I questioned, "If you don't mind."

"Nah, go ahead and ask all you like. Anyway, if I had to guess, it's because of all the time I spend with Scarlet without getting punted every other minute. He's probably jealous of that and takes it out on me with his bokken. Of course that's not to say I don't expressly tick him off from time to time when I'm in the mood for a practice match. Before you came around, he was one of the better martial artists in the area, even in spite of his big mouth," Ryu explained, "Come to think of it, Akane's not that bad a martial artist either, but out of necessity, her fighting technique is more street brawler than any regular style."

"Yeah, I noticed that when I first saw her fighting off those boys. If she ever did start focusing on a particular style, maybe even Anything Goes, she'd be a monster with all her raw strength," I remarked

"I told her something similar and got punched in the arm. It goes back to her whole rivalry with Kasumi. She's both ashamed and proud of how strong she is," Ryu commented and that's when we arrived at the clinic. We went in and I got my bag and then asked Pops for some hot water. He gave it to me and then poured some on himself.

"Ranma, what happened to Akane?" He asked

"She's probably somewhere moping," I replied

"YOU FOOL!" Pops shouted, "Listen Ranma, let me tell you this, 'how his thoughtless words broke my heart'. Have you heard these words before?"

"Where'd you hear something cheesy like that?" I asked

"In that magazine," Pop motioned to a magazine lying on the sofa.

"And why were you reading a fashion magazine?" Ryu asked

"Never mind that! Those words mean that sometimes we hurt the ones we love and if Akane's feeling bad about it, _you_ must be the one to comfort her. You're her fiancé after all," Pop said

"Which I wouldn't be if you had bothered to ask me!" I shouted

"_Anyway_," Ryu interrupted, "It's not Ranma's fault. It was actually Dr. Tofu who inadvertently hurt Akane's feelings." Pop continued as if he hadn't said anything.

"You're old enough to know how women are," Pop then left.

"Oh yeah, EXCEPT YOU KEPT GOING ON ABOUT HOW 'WOMEN WERE A DISTRACTION'! So thanks to you, I _don't_ know anything about women!" I shouted at the door. I then chased after him and he told me about how he broke some girl's heart and then got a mallet in the head for it. Even I knew that Pop had been an idiot about the whole thing. I then ditched him and walked home. On the way, I came to a decision.

Once I got home, I attacked Akane. I wasn't really serious, but Akane seemed to get the message.

"If we're going to fight, at least get serious," Akane quipped, "How do you expect me to work out my anger if you won't fight back?"

"Don't you get tired of being angry all the time?" I questioned

"I like being angry!" She declared and resumed trying to punch me.

"Well then that's too bad…"

"Why's that?!" She shouted

"Because you're really cute when you smile," I told her and headed into the house.

Akane's POV

'Cause you're really cute when you smile,' those words kept running through my head. Did he really mean it? After my bath, I decided to go look in my mirror and smile.

"What are you making those goofy faces for? I think I'm gonna be sick," For whatever reason, Ranma was sitting in the window.

"What are you doing in my room?!" I shouted and then grabbed my mallet. He was surprised long enough for me to bat him into next week. Honestly! He says one thing one minute and then the complete opposite the next! But which one does he really mean?

**That's the end of this chapter. Next up we get to see Ryoga! I don't know why, but I just love Hibiki! Except when he's pulling his P-chan scam. Then I feel in the mood for bacon. **


	7. Dyslexia, eat your heart out

**Greetings gentle readers, in today's reading of Chaos Theater we have the tale of a poor, unfortunate boy who can't find his way out of a wet paper bag. Read on, if you dare.**

**Disclaimer: The check should have arrived now and I am owner of…what? The check bounced? NOOO!**

Ryoga's POV

My quest to find the coward Saotome led me to a small village. While I was there, a large boar thought he could take me on. Naturally, I stopped him dead in his tracks with my umbrella. Then I threw the boar skyward and resheathed my umbrella. I then asked one of the villagers for directions. I thought I was in Tokyo, but I was really in Shikoku. So I continued on my hunt for the foul Saotome. I made it to the ocean and shouted

"JUST YOU WAIT RANMA SAOTOME!"

Akane's POV

"Ranma, you come back here!" Nabiki was chasing after Ranma with a shirt because the boy-turned-girl was running around topless. I tried to teach him about feminine modestly, but it was in one ear and out the other. On the other hand, he did have something of an excuse. All his shirts were dirty and in the wash and Ranma flat out refused to wear one of my tops. Why they had to use my cloths to begin with was a mystery.

"I ain't wearing no skirt! No way!" Ranma protested, but after about half an hour of hard negotiations, we managed to get him into a tee shirt with a pair of overalls.

"So how does it fit?" Nabiki asked

"The top is too tight, it pinches my chest and the waist is too baggy!" Ranma complained and that set me off. So I squashed him with my trusty mallet.

"That'll teach you," I grumbled

"Nice form, but the execution was lacking. I'd give that a seven out of ten," Nabiki commented

"Nabiki, you really shouldn't encourage her," Kasumi scolded and the rest of the day went uneventfully.

The next morning, we had to do it all over again. This time we ended up chasing Ranma around the house, catching him, forcing him into something, only for him to escape and take it off. Let's just say that Ranma ended up in some pretty…out there…costumes. Thankfully, Ranma's clothes got washed the next day.

"Just you wait Ranma!" I shouted as I chased him down the halls. After awhile, he managed to escape outside. "Get back here!"

"Ranma, prepare to die!" A boy with black hair and bandanna shouted as he suddenly attacked Ranma with a…umbrella?

"Well this is new," Ryu quipped as Ranma dodged the attack. Then a big chunk of the walkway was destroyed. That boy must be really strong! But why was he ticked off at Ranma? He seemed to know Ranma, but Ranma didn't seem to remember him.

"You mean, you really don't remember?" The boy asked and Ranma shook his head. He then returned to thinking about it.

"I wouldn't want you to strain your brain," I commented sarcastically.

"Enough, I just have to ask you one thing. Why didn't you come to fight me at the appointed time?!" The boy shouted and that seemed to be the thing Ranma needed to remember him.

"I remember, you and I were classmates at an all boy junior high! You names…uh…um…" Ranma started pulling blanks again

"It's Ryoga Hibiki!" The now named Ryoga shouted and then Ranma greeted Ryoga like an old friend. But Ryoga was having none of it. "Tell me why you didn't come to the fight!"

"Ryoga, I waited for you at the agreed place for three days," Ranma said

"Three days?!" Those of us who were around exclaimed

"Oh sure, you waited three days, but when I got there on the fourth day, you'd already turn tail and ran," Ryoga sneered

"OK, Ryoga, let me ask you a question. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the place we agreed to meet was the empty lot behind your house, right? So why the heck did I have to stand around for three days waitin' for ya?" Ranma asked

"DON'T PATRONIZE ME! Do you think I was just out for a stroll around Japan for my health?!" Ryoga then told us all the places he had been to…in four days. How do you travel up and down Japan what sounds like at least three times in four days?! The crowd that had gathered all came to the same conclusion: Ryoga Hibiki had absolutely no sense of direction. Ryoga then told Ranma that he wasn't here to finish the fight, but for revenge.

"Revenge? Revenge for what?" Ranma asked as he dodged Ryoga's umbrella.

"Don't play dumb. I'm going to destroy your happiness," Ryoga swore

"Happiness? Akane, Ryu, am I happy?" Ranma asked

"What are you asking us for?" I replied, "Now what did you do to him?"

"I don't know," Ranma replied

"Well this isn't any old grudge, you must have done _something_," I remarked and then Ryoga attacked again. Ranma then stopped the charging boy in his tracks, told him to wait, and then ran off.

"I wonder what's gotten into him," Ryu commented

"With him, who knows?" I said and we waited for a few minutes and then Ranma returned with a bunch of different breads.

"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" Ryu asked the two

"Well back in that all boy junior high school, it was a jungle. You have no idea what it's like, Akane. Lunch time was like, if not worse than, a battle field. Every day we'd all fight over the food and then, at the very end, the last thing of bread would be tossed into the crowd. It was like a bunch o' swarming piranha! One day I got the bread before Ryoga could and he got all upset over it," Ranma explained

"Aw, shut up," Ryoga grumbled

"I still don't understand. Bread isn't such a big deal, is it?" I asked

"That's what I thought, but apparently, after twenty days of me getting the bread, Ryoga snapped and challenged me to a fight," Ranma explained

"Sounds like the straws that broke the camel's back," I remarked

"Telling someone that you're going to kill'em goes a little bit beyond some bread feud," Ryu observed

"For your information, this does indeed go _far_ beyond the bread," Ryoga huffed

"Then what is it?" Ranma asked, but Ryoga told him to shut up and started attacking.

"Because of you, Saotome, I'VE SEEN HELL!" Ryoga roared

"I'd wish you'd just talk to me," Ranma grumbled

"As if mere words could convey my suffering!" Ryoga exclaimed and then threw his umbrella like a top. Ranma dodged away and then Ryoga charged. He lost Ranma and then plowed through the school. We stuck around for awhile to see if Ryoga would find his way back, but he never did. What a strange boy.

**In other news, I watched the final episode of Inuyasha the final act! It was awesome! **


	8. The taming of the hair and the pig

**Order up! One chapter of Curiosity killed the cat with a side of fries!**

**Disclaimer: I may one day own something. It probably won't be Ranma ½.**

Ranma's POV

"You're sure there's no other reason?" Akane asked

"Not that I can remember and I'd think that if I did something that would ruin someone else's life, I'd remember," I answered and then Kasumi walked by with a challenge letter from Ryoga.

"It's like I said before, this is no ordinary grudge," Akane said

"If he'd just sit down for a minute an' let me talk to him. Then we'd probably be done with this whole thing," I sighed and then Kasumi poured hot water on me. Akane noted that the challenge was scheduled for yesterday, but with Ryoga, he'd be lucky to make it within a week of the date.

Ryu's POV

"Hey, isn't that that guy from before?" One of the girls in the class said during 'study hall'. We all looked out the window and saw that Ryoga Hibiki had returned. He looked awful, leaning on that umbrella of his for support. Then he got nailed by a soccer ball.

"That kid has absolutely rotten luck," I quipped and then Ranma headed down to meet Ryoga. Scarlet told me Ranma had received a challenge letter a month ago. Someone *coughNabikicough* convinced the teacher to let us all out to watch the fight while Nabiki took bets. Those fools never learn. After some pre-fight banter, the two started fighting. Ranma tried to talk sense into Ryoga, but he was too pig-headed to listen.

"This is so scary," One of Scarlet's friends murmured and then the Chemistry Club showed up, or as I like to call them, the Failed Bomb Squad. It's a good week for them when they blow up their lab only a single time that week. They were made up of some of the few who still hadn't given up on Scarlet and unless I missed my guess, they were here to try and blow up Ranma. As I said before, those fools never learn.

"Take this you coward!" Ryoga shouted, drawing my attention back to the battle. Ryoga then threw a pair of handcuffs at Ranma, getting him locked by one and securing the other to himself. I had to admit, for someone of Ryoga's directional problems, this was an elegant solution. The fight continued and I noticed Ryoga had left his umbrella. Hiroshi and Daisuke began trying to mess with it, but couldn't lift it. Scarlet then tried to lift it and even she could only raise it a few centimeters before it fell back to the ground. And Ryoga carries it with one hand?

"Ranma, don't get to close to him! Stay away from him!" Scarlet shouted and then Ranma got serious and hog-tied Ryoga with the wire of the cuffs and sat on him.

"So Ryoga, what should I do with you now?" Ranma wondered; the only thing that was missing from that statement was a maniacal laugh. Just when it looked like it was all over for Hibiki, he got up on one hand and got into the air, thus getting out of the entanglement. There's strong and then there's scary strong. That's when Ranma began to use the cuffs to his advantage by keeping Ryoga in close quarters so he couldn't recover. Ryoga then snatched up his umbrella and the two combatants left the soccer field.

"After them!" Someone shouted and we all rushed to keep up with them. I then spotted the Failed Bomb Squad planting some land mines. Before I could get a stick or prepare my slingshot, Ryoga and Ranma entered the blast zone. But it turned out I didn't have to worry, the mines didn't go off when they were stepped on. That's when the FBS leapt from the bushes, all wielding mallets…I shall chose to not comment on that particular detail. Somehow, they spit the wire between the handcuffs, and each one of them hit one of the mines. _That's_ when the mines decided to blow. Ranma and Ryoga left the school grounds and I went after them, followed closely by Nabiki and two of her minions. We eventually caught up to them and I saw Nabiki was up to something.

"Hey Ryoga, you ever hear of steroids?" Nabiki asked and Ryoga shook his head. Nabiki then produced two regular vitamins and told them that they would increase his strength. She was going to use the placebo effect to try and make sure Ryoga won. Technically speaking, there's nothing against the rules about it, since you did have that power all along, but it's still dirty. Then Nabiki added in a little pep talk. A red aura sprang to life around Ryoga and even his eyes turned red.

"I can feel the power!" Ryoga shouted and then uprooted a telephone pole. "How about it Saotome, fight me fair and square!"

"You call that fair and square?!" Ranma protested and then the fight turned into a warzone like path of destruction with Ranma dodging Ryoga's new club. This fight might have been where the name 'The Nerima Wrecking Crew' originally came from, but I'm not certain. Eventually the fight headed to the zoo and somehow Ryoga managed to cause explosions with his aura. I caught up with them just in time to see Ryoga slice open Ranma's shirt. He complained about it, saying that was his favorite shirt, and Ryoga called him a girl. That was a mistake on Ryoga's part. Ranma then started attacking with a vengeance until he ran into some cold water. With most of the school right behind us, it looked like his curse was finally going to be exposed, if it hadn't been last week when the water main broke.

"Ranma, is that you?" Ryoga wondered and then Scarlet showed up and reminded Ranma that his shirt had a slight tear.

"Didn't you even notice? That you became a girl, I mean," Scarlet said just as a few of the students were catching up. It would take some major maneuvering to convince everyone that they had all been hallucinating or something. Then Kuno showed up.

"This is devolving fast, Scarlet. If we don't do something, everyone's gonna know about Ranma's curse!" I hissed

"You're right, the rumor mill has been suspicious ever since last week," Scarlet responded and thankfully, Ranma provided a distraction by kicking Kuno into the lion's den.

"Go ahead and make fun of me Ryoga. I have no idea why you hate me so much, I just…I just… I'M JUST TRYING TO GET BY!" Ranma shouted, "IT'S NOT EASY HAVING THIS CURSE FOR A BODY!" I promptly face palmed. There goes any hope of salvaging Ranma's secret. Ryoga then seemed to chuckle and pulled, not one, not two, but four bandannas off of his head and there was a fifth under that.

"Don't make me laugh! You can you say things like that? Since when is having a beautiful body like yours a curse?" Ryoga asked and Scarlet didn't look amused by that comment. Ryoga then began to spin his bandannas and threw them at Ranma with a cry of 'Ranma Saotome, you make me sick!' The thing was, those fabric bandannas had suddenly become steel-like instrument of death. Everyone had to dodge them and a few people got some hair buzzed off the top. Scarlet then decided to go get Ranma some hot water, but on the way tripped on a tree root. She twisted her ankle, but it was better than having her arms sliced off, which would have happened if she hadn't tripped. Ryoga then threw his umbrella like a javelin and some more bandannas. Ranma kicked and caught the umbrella and used it to deflect the bandannas.

"Watch it you crazy lunatic! You could kill someone with those things!" I shouted, but Ryoga ignored me. While carrying Scarlet, Ranma then made a break for it. I managed to track them down before Ryoga could. They seemed embarrassed about something and then I noticed Ranma's shirt was still torn slightly. It wasn't rocket science to figure out what was going on. They then started fighting.

"Hey you two, don't you think there are more _important_ things? LIKE STAYING AWAY FROM RYOGA'S HOMOCIDAL RAMPAGE?!" I roared at them and they had the decency to look ashamed of themselves. Then Ryoga came sauntering along. He undid his belt and it then straightened out like a sword. I wanted to know how he was doing it, but that could wait. Ryoga then easily cut down a tree with a single, swift, strike. As the tree began to fall, Ryoga jumped up to Ranma and Scarlet's level and tried to cut Ranma in half, but Ranma used the umbrella to block, but it got cut in half instead.

"Let go of me!" Scarlet shouted on the way down

"I ain't holding you 'cause I like you or anything!" Ranma protested and then when they landed, Scarlet slapped him. She then walked off and Ranma went after her, but then one of Ryoga's bandannas flew by, lopped off a good chunk of her hair, and nearly took off her head.

Ranma's POV

The danger sense of all males in the area went straight to ten. Ryu seemed pushed past it and went to see if Akane was OK. He examined her neck and he obviously didn't like what he saw. He then dug a bandage out of his pocket and placed it on the back of her neck.

"Scarlet, please go home. This is about to get extremely ugly and I'd rather you didn't watch," Ryu said in a quiet voice. My danger sense shot up to twenty. Akane numbly nodded and walked off. Ryu then fixed Ryoga with a glare that, if someone had told me it had killed someone, I woulda' believed 'em.

"It was an accident! I didn't mean too-!" Ryoga was cut off by Ryu

"I don't care what you meant or did not mean to do. All I care about is that you and your damn grudge nearly got not only Scarlet, but everyone else here killed." He said in a voice that made ice seem warm by comparison. Ryoga shrank back in fear. "Now get out of my sight before I _kill_ you." Ryoga didn't need to be told twice and bolted as fast as he could. Ryu then turned to me.

"Come with me," He said

"But what about Akane?" I asked

"Are you an idiot, man?! If you confront Scarlet now it'll be suicide! It's best if you come to my house where I can get you some hot water and wait out the storm," He said and so I followed him. When we passed school, I then realized that he lived in the opposite direction of the Tendo house.

"Hey, if you live in the other direction, then how come you follow us home sometimes?" I asked

"I don't mind. The extra exercise does me good," He responded and a while later, we made it to Ryu's house.

"Are you sure your parents won't mind?" I wondered, "I mean it's not every day a sex changing weirdo like me comes around." I then noticed that Ryu had stopped in the doorway.

"They won't mind. My parents are long dead," Ryu said simply and walked into the house.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know!" I apologized

"Don't worry about it. They died when I was six and I don't remember them very well. Nothing more than a few blurry memories really," Ryu remarked, trying to sound carefree. He then went into the kitchen to get me hot water. As he did, I looked around a bit and noticed all the stuff he had. Posters, books, manga, American comics, tons of video games, and so on. Guess he really wasn't kidding when he called himself an otaku.

"So do you live here alone?" I asked

"Mostly. My older brother Koga is over in America for collage so he can then go to medical school to become a doctor," Ryu answered and then gave me the hot water.

"That's cool. So what's the deal with Akane's hair? I mean it's just hair; it'll grow back," I remarked

"Think about the way Scarlet wore her hair. Who does it remind you of?" He asked and after a little thinking, I got it.

"It looks like the way Kasumi wears her…oh I get it! This is about Dr. Tofu again, isn't it?"

"Yep, before she decided to make Kasumi her rival, she really didn't care about the way her hair looked. She only grew it out so she'd look more like Kasumi. That's the reason it would be suicide for you to show up for awhile," Ryu told me

"Man, girls sure are complicated," I grumbled

"About twice as complicated as guys by my calculations," Ryu quipped and then we spent the next two hours talking about various things. After that, Ryu gave me a cautious go ahead to head back home.

When I got there, Kasumi told me that Akane had gone to Dr. Tofu for her ankle. On the way, I saw a mop of bluish black hair and thought it was Akane.

"Oh sorry, my mistake," I said and then Akane spoke and I realized it was Akane. Kasumi must have cut it for her and I didn't recognize her at first.

"It's different, isn't it?" Akane asked dryly

"Akane, I'm sorry," I apologized

"Gee, aren't you being nice for a change," Akane quipped, "It's OK, you're off the hook. I was gonna cut it anyway." I didn't quite believe her, but she kept hobbling along.

"How's your ankle? Do you want a piggy-back ride?" I offered

"Stop being so nice, you're scaring me," Akane joked, but I kept close to her all the way to Dr. Tofu's clinic. Dr. Tofu immediately noticed Akane's change in hairstyles and then she told him she had sprained her ankle, but didn't tell him how. Akane asked Dr. Tofu what he thought of Akane's new hairstyle and he told her that it looked very good on her. I found myself agreeing before I realized what I was thinking. Then Akane suddenly started crying.

"A good cry really does make you feel better," Akane said on the way home. Then I jumped onto the fence beside the canal.

"He said cute. That's what he said," I reminded Akane

"Oh, who cares? It's over. Dr. Tofu is in love with Kasumi and that's that," Akane said, "It's OK though. I think I'm finally over him." I then worked up the nerve to say

"I just wanted to tell you, your hair really does look cute." Akane seemed shocked.

"Are you feeling OK, Ranma?" She asked, "You don't have to be nice to me."

"That's not what I meant…I'm being nice to you 'cause I want to be," I told her and then dashed off.

Ryoga's POV

I had finally found it; the Tendo dojo. After a week with a little old lady trekking all over Japan. Tonight, Ranma Saotome would get what was coming to him! I made my way to where Saotome was sleeping, but I wasn't able to wake him up. Somehow, he dodged my punches in his sleep!

"WAKE UP STUPID!" I finally shouted and that still didn't wake him…but it did wake the panda sleeping next to him. I never knew pandas could be such violent creatures. He threw both Ranma and me out into the rain! I almost wasn't quick enough with my umbrella.

"Ryoga? What the heck are you doing here in the middle of the night?" Ranma asked

"You shut up! Does revenge know night or day?" I replied

"This is going too far. What could I have possibly done to make you so made?" He questioned

"Listen, because these may be your last moments on this Earth. After you skipped out on our duel, I followed you to China.

"Oh Ryoga, you didn't go to Jusenkyo, did you?" Ranma asked, "You fell into a pool and now you change?"

"Not another word! You've done enough to ruin my life!" I shouted at Ranma and then attacked, but he wouldn't stay still! Then, in the middle of our fight, something hard clonked me on the head and I dropped my umbrella. So of course, I fled to protect my secret.

Ranma's POV

I had to find Ryoga. Who knows what he turns into? As I was running, I spotted Ryoga's clothes and backpack. I then heard a growl and turned around to see a very angry dog. Only Ryoga could be so angry with me. So I took him home with me.

"I feel bad for you Ryoga, I really do! But you've gotta stop attacking me in the middle of the night," I told him

"Hey, where'd you find that dog?" Akane asked as she came downstairs.

"Where'd you get that funny looking pig?" I returned and the pig didn't like that at all. Akane then cuddled it and it began to blush. I checked and sure enough, it was a boy pig. Then the pig started attacking me! Akane got out the first aid kit and began treating a bump on the pig's head and then she told me the dog was owned by someone. So that meant it wasn't Ryoga after all. He couldn't stick around long enough for anyone to claim him. Just to make sure, I poured a little hot water on the dog and it didn't work.

"I'm gonna go take a bath. All that running around in the rain nearly froze me half to death," I told Akane and then she told me to take the pig with me. I agreed in the end, but the pig didn't seem to keen on the idea. But I managed to get him into the warm water…, which turned out to be a mistake. As it so happened, the pig was Ryoga. So when he changed back, I was still a girl, and naked and so was he. I had to fight down the impulse to slap him silly.

**There was no good place to stop until right there, so I combined the two episodes. I found writing for Ryoga to be interesting, a chance to get in touch with my darker (And more delusional) side. I can't wait to write for him for an extended piece. **


	9. Ryoga's Hell? Ranma's Hell!

**It's a me, Scarlet-Eyed-Demon! Let's a go!**

**Disclaimer: I may or may not own items belonging to a certain Italian plumber, but I don't own Ranma ½.**

Ranma's POV

Well…I was right…Ryoga was cursed. Just not as a dog. He then tried to kill me when I tried to talk to him about it. Then Ryoga told me how he had gotten cursed. It would seem that a strange girl chasing after a panda had knocked him into the springs…uh oh. To make matters worse, Pop apparently tried to eat him just after he got cursed. The poor fool, if they hadn't tried to boil him first…I don't wanna thing about it.

"This is all your fault! If only you'd have shown up to take your beating like a man!" Ryoga shouted at me and then Pops chose that moment to walk in…as a panda. Then Ryoga pieced it together. I was the one who knocked him into the spring. Ryoga then attacked me, but I got the cold water going before he could kill me.

"We'll talk later, after you've cooled down," I told him, hoping he wouldn't think of the bath tub of warm water. He didn't, but man do those hooves hurt! So naturally, I couldn't let him get away with that and chased him down.

"You little coward, hiding behind Akane!" I shouted at him and then he attacked again. He may not be very strong in that pig body, but man is he fast. I eventually managed to catch the little run, but Akane intervened…painfully. She then proceeded to coddle Ryoga. Curse him! Then Ryoga went and started fake crying! How dare he?! Using Akane's sympathy like that, has he no shame?!

"Come on," Akane told Ryoga

"Where are you going?" I asked

"To bed!" Akane barked at me and I tried to protest, but I couldn't without giving away Ryoga's curse and it was against the warrior's code to expose another's weakness! I tried to think of a reason why Akane shouldn't take Ryoga to bed with her, but couldn't.

"Don't worry baby, I'll keep you away from the nasty Ranma, you don't have to cry now," Akane cooed and then kissed Ryoga's snout!

"I don't believe this! Keep your stupid baby!" I shouted and ran off, "See if I care!" That son of a gun Ryoga…I will make him pay for this!

Akane's POV

Why the heck would Ranma get so upset over a little pig? It's not as if he has anything to be jealous over. The pig is just a pig after all. Well…maybe he's not jealous, but then why is he so worked up over this pig?

Ranma's POV

I've gotta get Ryoga out of Akane's bed. I'll splash him with hot water if I have to, but that's only if he doesn't cooperate. It's a good thing Akane doesn't lock her window. If she did, then I don't know what I would have done. Of course, as soon as Ryoga saw me with the hot water kettle, he started growling at me.

"Listen here, unless you want me to blow your cover, be quiet pig," I whispered and Ryoga calmed down. I then began to lift him out of Akane's bed, but then Akane suddenly grabbed him in her sleep! I quickly snatched him out of her grasp, but then Ryoga bit me! That no good, sneaky, dirty pig! On reflex, I threw him into the wall and then we began fighting full out, but as quietly as we could. Then I tripped over one of Akane's dumbbells and before I could regain my balance, Ryoga hit me from behind and I then fell right on top of Akane. Unfortunately, for me, that caused her to wake up. After a few moments of me stuttering, she slapped me. Then she started beating me over the head with her shinai repeatedly. I managed to get out that it was Ryoga's fault, but she didn't know that the pig was Ryoga.

"Where?! Where is Ryoga?!" She yelled at me and then punted me out the window. I landed with my face in a rock, still trying to defend myself. The next morning, Akane was all too willing to tell everyone what had happed.

"Ranma, what you and Akane were doing in the middle of the night is your business, but could you please keep it down?" Nabiki teased

"No, they mustn't! Even if they are engaged, they should wait until they're married!" Kasumi exclaimed

"You're so old fashioned Kasumi, I don't know who's worse, you or Ryu," Nabiki quipped

"There's nothing wrong with being old fashioned, Nabiki," Kasumi remarked and Mr. Tendo was going on about 'initiative' while my old man was stuffing his face, as usual. I could only hope that Ryu would be kinder. Of course, Ryoga was totally unsympathetic while Akane was hand feeding him, that filthy little monster. Of course, she'd bring him to school.

Ryu's POV

"So let me get this straight, Ranma showed up in your room in the middle of the night claiming Ryoga was there?" I asked Scarlet

"That's about it," She answered and I decided to go track down Ranma before coming to a conclusion. I finally got to talk to him during lunch time.

"I told her, it wasn't what it looked like! It was Ryoga!" Ranma protested

"So I've been told, but where was Ryoga?" I asked

"He was…well…I can't tell ya because that would be exposing his weakness," Ranma sighed

"Firstly, you do realize you're not helping yourself by saying that. Secondly, if Ryoga is wandering about in Scarlet's room, then why in the name of all that's good and pure don't you just spit it out, warrior's code be damned. Thirdly, what weakness would involve Ryoga being in Scarlet's room, other than a terminal case of perversion?" I questioned

"I…I know your right, but ever since I was a kid I was taught-"

"More like it was beaten into you."

"Fair enough, anyway, the warrior's code was ingrained into me. I can't just up and forget about it. But at the same time, you're right; I can't just stand by and let this happen. Now all I gotta do is think up a way to expose Ryoga without breaking the warrior's code…" With that, Ranma lapsed into deep thought. Who knows how long it'll take him to come up with something. Looks like I'll have to keep an eye on Ryoga whenever he comes around.

Ranma's POV

Akane had left Ryoga in the shed and that was my chance to strike.

"Hello Ryoga," I said, "Aren't you just the precious little piggy? Thanks to you, almost everybody thinks I'm some kind o' pervert or something. Remember that fight you're always yelling about?" I hefted the hot water kettle I had brought, "Well I'm ready if you are!" I then tried to pour the hot water on Ryoga and he bolted. Then the little monster went into the girl's locker room! Now I had to decide, try my luck and hope these girls either didn't know about or didn't believe in my curse, or wait for Ryoga to come out. I couldn't leave that little pig in there! So it was time to press my luck. I burst in as a girl and Ryoga knew better than continue to hide behind the girls, so he escaped into the hall and right into the guy's locker room. Thankfully, one of the guys handed over Ryoga and the little pig came along without a fight.

"What's your problem?! Aren't you the one always yapping about having a fight?! Or do you actually like being called P-chan?!" I shouted

"Shut up! How could you ever understand my feelings?! How could you ever know the suffering I've seen? It's been Hell I tell you; pure Hell! Somehow, I made it back to Japan, and even thought I'm under this curse, a curse that I'll carry the rest of my life, somehow she finds it in her heart to love me…" Ryoga sighed

"You're nuts! She don't love you!" I shouted

"Yes she does!" Ryoga shouted back

"That's just your sick imagination!" I yelled

"To think, she lives under the same roof as you, there's no justice in this world! You keep your hands off her Ranma!" Ryoga ordered

"Hey listen pal, do go dragging me into this! Wishing don't make it true ya know," I remarked

"So that's it, you're in love with her too!" Ryoga crowed

"Shut up Ryoga!" I barked and was about to attack when Akane nailed me in the back of the head with a baseball bat! "That hurt! What'cha do that for?!"

"I told you, stop picking on P-chan, big bully!" Akane snapped

"What'd ya mean 'P-chan'? There ain't no 'P-chan' here, where do you see a…" I then turned and saw Ryoga had changed back into P-chan! That sneaky %$#&%*$#!

"Exactly how stupid do you think I am?" Akane asked and then went to pick up Ryoga.

"Oh, I give up," I sighed

Ryu's POV

After school, Akane came running up to me and told me her new pet pig had vanished. She had already roped Ranma into helping her search and since I didn't have anything better to do, I agreed. We searched all over, but couldn't find him.

"What what if he's been in an accident?" Akane worried

"He's fine I tell you, even he's not that stupid," Ranma quipped

"Don't start acting like you care Ranma, you've always been mean to him," Akane remarked

"Well, he might already be home for all we know. He's a smart little pig, right?" Ranma asked and then we heard squealing. We checked to see what was going on and saw P-chan was being chased around by what looked to be butlers. P-chan rushed towards Scarlet, but he couldn't get over the fence.

"Please come back to us Master Pork Chop," The three butlers intoned…at the same time. Very Borg-like. Anyway, Akane pleaded with me and Ranma to save P-chan.

"Well, I've come this far," Ranma sighed and jumped over the fence.

"The things I do in the name of friendship," I quipped and followed Ranma. The butlers then threw off their bow ties and drew their weapons, a quarter staff, nunchaku, and a pair of sai respectively. All they were missing was some guy with two katana and they'd be the perfect TMNT knock-offs. I got busy disarming the guy with the nunchaku while Ranma got attacked by the guy with the quarter staff and sai. We managed to do fairly well, but Ranma needed a little extra help from Akane to take care of the one with the quarter staff.

"Oh, my poor baby," came a female voice and we turned to see to older people who were the ones who claimed P-chan when they found him wandering around. For whatever reason they had made P-chan their heir, but now that Akane had him back, they said they would need a new heir. Then, as if he had teleported there, Mr. Saotome was sitting in the walkway as a panda. He was completely ignored by the couple.

"What is the matter with you Pop?!" Ranma shouted at his dad and then dragged him back to the Tendo compound.

Ranma's POV

I sat on the roof, thinking over what I had done. I can't believe I stuck up for Ryoga like that. If I had left him, he'd be in the lap of luxury and I'd be rid of him. So I decided to try and give him back to the rich couple. It seemed I hadn't learned from last night. I opened Akane's window with a kettle of hot water, but noticed Akane wasn't in bed. She was standing in front of her desk.

"You're unbelievable!" Akane roared and sent me packing. So the next morning I had to endure Nabiki's teasing, Kasumi's remarks, and Akane's cold shoulder all while listening to Mr. Tendo go on about 'initiative'. WHY ME?! WHY?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

**Oh silly Ranma, it's not your fault. The universe just hates you for some inexplicable reason. **


	10. The Black Roses of Love

**Hello all you amazing people; thanks for putting up with me thus far! **

**Disclaimer: Jiminy Cricket lied. My dreams of owning Ranma ½ haven't come true after wishing on a star!**

Ranma's POV

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, this curse sucks, but it does have its uses; such as scamming free eats off of poor suckersAnyway, as I was walking home after scoring a particularly nice ice cream cone, I heard shouting. I decided to check it out and saw three of the girls in my class being attacked by some strange girl. I couldn't just let them get beat up, so I put a stop to it by catching the girl's ribbon.

"You stopped my ribbon…that's never been done before. You're no ordinary girl, are you?" The girl asked

"Well…that's one way of putting it," I said and then she grabbed a club and charged me, but she was so slow it was easy to dodge and trip her up. She recovered and then introduced herself as Kodachi, the black rose. She then tossed a real black rose at me before sprinting away. Laughing like a maniac the whole way. I then noticed the other girls were crying, so I took them to Akane. They then told her that Kodachi had beaten up the whole gymnastics team.

"We would have been in a really sorry shape if Ranma didn't show up when she, er…he did," One of the girls added and then they asked Akane for help. Somehow, I knew this wasn't going to end well. If something didn't end well, then that meant that it didn't end well for _me._

"Please Akane; it's our most important event!"

"Martial arts rhythmic gymnastics!" Wait…_martial arts_ rhythmic gymnastics?

"The match is against St. Hebereke High School," After that, Akane agreed to help. The girls left and Akane went down to the dojo to practice.

"That was pretty stupid of ya," I quipped, "You'll never learn all this junk in time,"

"Why do you think I called Ryu? If there's a way to learn it in time, he'll find it," Akane told me

"Oh really? You seem to have a lot of confidence in him," I commented

"You've never had to pull an all night study session for finals. If it weren't for Ryu and his memory tricks I'd probably have been sunk," Akane responded

"Well that's math and stuff. This is martial arts!" I exclaimed

"So? All I really need to do is remember the rules and practice the right way, not that much different from 'math and stuff'," Akane countered, but before I could think up a comeback, Ryu arrived.

"So what seems to be the problem?" He asked and Akane explained the situation to him.

"That probably wasn't the most intelligent thing you've ever done," Ryu sighed

"That's what I said!" I cried

"Anyway, moping about it won't get us anywhere. Scarlet, you try and use the equipment while I look through the rule book," Ryu instructed, but before they could get to work, Ryoga walked in as P-chan. After the distraction, Ryu sat down and started reading while Akane did some warm up stretches.

"Every time I think you can't sink any lower, you go and surprise me," I muttered to Ryoga and he growled at me, then he bit me. I clobbered the little runt, but then Akane bashed me with a club.

"This is going to be a long night," Ryu said, mostly to himself, and we returned to doing what we were doing before that unwelcome distraction.

As the night wore on, Akane wasn't doing any better. She was trying, but it seemed gymnastics just wasn't her thing. She couldn't catch the clubs; she tied herself up in the ribbon, and broke the hoop. All the while, I was adding not-so-helpful commentary. When Akane started to throw a fit, Ryu couldn't help but laugh.

"Aren't you supposed to be just a little bit graceful?" I asked in deadpan.

"OK, I'M NOT GOOD AT IT! I'M A CLUTZ! A CLUTZ A CLUTZ A CLUTZ!" Akane screamed

"Well what do you want me to do about it?" I asked and then Ryoga showed up in his human form and offered to train Akane.

"Hey, how's it going, P-chan?" I asked him and he walked over and picked me up by the collar.

"Who you callin' 'P-chan'?" He asked in a dangerous voice

"Wouldn't we all like to know?" I returned and then Ryoga picked up the ribbon and used it to beat me up. Sneaky little pig!

Akane and Ryoga trained while Ryu went over the rules for most of the night until Ryoga finally called the session. Ryoga was all fake compliments and junk, but Akane hadn't improved at all.

"He's lying through his teeth," I remarked

"Shut up Ranma! Ryu, tell Ranma to stop being so mean!" Akane barked

"As much as I wish it was otherwise, Ranma's telling the truth. You're still getting wrapped up in the ribbon, you still can't catch the clubs, and we've almost run out of hoops," Ryu remarked and Akane growled at him and then went to get a bath.

"She's so hopeless, it hurts to watch," I quipped

"She's not that bad…talentless, yes, but this is Scarlet we're talking about and this is _gymnastics_," Ryu remarked

"Yeah, it's not her fault she has no grace whatsoever," I agreed

"You two shut up!" Ryoga snapped

"You should quit buttering her up so much Ryoga. It doesn't help," I said

"Male jealousy is a pitiful thing to see, Ranma," Ryoga countered and then left the dojo, probably to change back into P-chan.

"Jealous?! Jealous of what?!" I shouted

"Don't listen to 'im he's just shooting his mouth off to get you upset," Ryu advised

"Alright…you goin' home soon?" I asked

"I don't know. These rules are insane. Listen to this one 'The use of a combatant's brother is legal except on the second Sunday of the month'," Ryu quoted

"Why the heck would they even have a rule like that?" I asked

"I haven't the faintest idea. But I'm going to read all these rules so Scarlet doesn't get shot in the foot by them," Ryu said

"OK, 'night then," I told him and went to leave the dojo. Then we heard

"Akane Tendo, prepare to die!"

"You don't think Scarlet pissed off a female version of Ryoga, do you?" Ryu asked

"I hope not," I answered and we both rushed to see what was going on. We got there just in time to keep that Kodachi chic from killing Akane. As soon as we got there, Kodachi ran away and left tons of black rose petals behind.

"Why are you two standing there?! After her!" Akane shouted and we went. We found her just as she fell from the rooftop. So I went and saved her.

"I don't know whether to ask if you're OK or to ask why the heck you were trying to kill Scarlet," Ryu told her when we were back on the rooftop.

"Are you OK?" I asked her and then she grabbed me like her life depended on it.

"Hold me!" She gasped and suddenly I got the feeling that I was about to get into a whole lot of trouble. I put her down and we tried to get away, but then Kodachi started complaining about her head hurting. We couldn't just leave someone in pain. So I told Ryu to watch Kodachi while I was going to get aspirin. But then I got tripped up by something. It was Kodachi with some rope. She asked me not to go. I couldn't very well say no so I stayed and Ryu tried to get the aspirin. He met with the same result. She then asked us our names.

"Ryu Tomoe," Ryu said

"Ranma Saotome," I told her and she pulled out two bouquets of black roses and presented one to each of us. They then exploded into some kind of powder. It was some kind of paralyzing powder and we both went down. She then tried to force herself on me, but before she did, she went and checked her makeup. Girls, I'll never understand 'em! Stupid powder! Stupid Kodachi! After she was done, she thanked us for 'waiting', but before she could do anything to us, Akane saved us!

"RIGHT OVER MY BEDROOM OF ALL PLACES!" She roared as she kicked Kodachi off of me. Kodachi then promised to make this up to us and roof hopped away. Akane then decided to leave us on the roof because she thought we had been harassed by Kodachi willingly! We ended up staying on the roof for the rest of the night, but at least after the first hour, we were able to talk again.

"Somebody help us!" I tried to shout

"Stupid girl! I should've recognized her!" Ryu exclaimed

"You know her?" I asked

"There's only one person who's that crazy. Kodachi Kuno, sister of the Kuno we have to put up with," Ryu answered

"Kuno has a sister?!" I exclaimed

"Yes, and it looks like she's taken a shine to us," We both shivered in horror.

"Of course, his sister would be two timer too!" I moaned

"What did we do to deserve such a horrible fate?!" We both shouted to the sky, but of course, we got no answer.

**MUHAHAHA! Poor Ryu and Ranma, now they have to put up with Kodachi's…'tender mercies'. I don't know how much of Kodachi's dialog I'll be able to write without puking, but I'll do my best.**


	11. Vengance of the Rose

**Come one, come all, to the cheesy knock off of the greatest show on Earth!**

**Disclaimer: I own about as much of the Greatest Show on Earth as I do Ranma ½. I also don't own the rights to any of the video games mentioned.**

Akane's POV

"Scarlet, how many times do I have to tell you? It wasn't what it looked like!" It was the morning after I had found him and Ranma on the roof with that…_girl_. Ryu was trying to convince me that they had nothing to do with _her_ trying to kiss Ranma or him.

"Oh really?" I asked sarcastically and that set Ryu off.

"Yep, I thought my life just couldn't get any more peachy, when I suddenly found myself the object of the affections of Kodachi _Kuno_. You know how much I absolutely adore psychopathic megalomaniacs. And the warm and fuzzy feelings I have for the Kuno name in general, especially their old man," Ryu snapped and then looked skyward, "Does someone up there hate me? If so, I'm sorry for whatever it was I did!"

"Wait, she's a Kuno? Kuno has a sister?" I asked

"That's what I said, isn't it?" Ryu remarked and then a piece of paper suddenly landed on his desk. He looked at it and then sighed, "Why am I such an idiot?" He then unfolded it and read it. After he was done, he promptly began banging his head against his desk. *Bang* *Bang* *Ban-Snap* that's when Ryu's desk broke. "Oh come on!"

"Tomoe, go get a new desk and then stand in the hall," The teacher ordered and then I grabbed the note. Some idiot had made insinuations about Ryu and Ranma, along with a particularly graphic picture of Ryu with both of Ranma's forms. I knew better than to let Ranma see it and destroyed it. When lunch rolled around, I apologized to both Ryu and Ranma.

As we were walking home, so continue trying to get me ready in time for the match, I noticed Ryu was still on edge.

"You know, Ryu, things can only take so much stress before they break," I remarked and he turned to me.

"Are you taking about the desk…or me?" He asked, but we both knew what I was talking about so I didn't answer.

The next day was looking to be OK, but for some reason I still couldn't get the gymnastics right, even with Ryoga's help. Then I got a nasty surprise in the form of Kodachi attacking me with a shinai just as soon as I got to school.

"That's low, surprise attacking me before the match!" I shouted

"Surprise attack? I just came to visit with my darlings Ranma and Ryu," Kodachi said

"Then why don't you visit them?!" I shouted and threw her over to them.

"Traitor!" Ryu cried and then both he and Ranma weaseled away from Kodachi, but then ran into Kuno. Then Kodachi caught up with them and snuggled up to them. Excuse me while I puke! Then Kuno inspected the three of them and 'granted his permission for them to date his little sister'.

"Going out with you is the last thing I want!" Ranma protested, but then Kodachi started to cry.

"YOU HATE ME THEN, IS THAT IT?!" Kodachi screeched and then the tears began to stream down her face. Ryu knew better than to open his mouth, but Ranma wasn't so experienced. Ranma tried to use our engagement as a shield.

"You are pathetic," I quipped at him and then Kodachi said that whoever won the gymnastics competition would get to date Ranma _and_ Ryu.

"Scarlet, as much as I want you to beat the snot out of her, I'd rather not go on a date with you," Ryu deadpanned and then Kodachi bounced off.

"That woman is totally insane. Saotome and Tomoe, I'm counting on the two of you to look after her," Kuno said

"There is no way this side of Hell I'm gonna have anything to do with her!" Ryu protested

"Bear with her weakness, which I think proceeds from wayward sickness and no grounded malice. I love her well," Kuno replied and then warned us that Kodachi wouldn't take this challenge lying down.

"There's no way I'm gonna lose to her!" I cried and snapped her shinai in two.

Ranma's POV

That afternoon Akane was training with Ryoga again when Ryu snapped the rule book shut.

"Okay, that does it! Ryoga, stop and go sit next to Ranma!" Ryu ordered

"But-"

"Sit. Now." Ryu said

"But what about the rule book?" I asked

"Those _things_ they dare to call rules are ridiculous! The only rule that Scarlet needs to worry about is the no bare handed attacks rule," Ryu told us and then turned to Akane, "Scarlet, you are ridiculously talented with your hands and feet, and I have no doubt that if this was just a straight match, you'd kick her butt. As it is, you can't use them, so deal with it. Now then, forgive me for sounding like the cliché weapons master, but these tools won't bite you. They are your friends, your allies; they are an extension of yourself! Use them properly and there's no way you can lose! Okay, watch me and copy my movements exactly."

Five hours later and Akane was actually improving a lot. If she continued at that rate, she'd have Kodachi beat, no problem. Ryoga was beside me, muttering darkly the whole time.

Two days later and it was the night of the match. Akane was now able to use the ribbon with finesse, throw the clubs like they were darts, and actually use the hoop without breaking it. Ryu and Akane had trained tirelessly and it had actually paid off. Before they called it a night, Ryu wanted me and Akane to have a final sparring match. Unfortunately, it didn't get too far; in fact, it didn't get started at all. Akane stepped on one of the balls lying around and fell.

"Scarlet!" Ryu shouted

"Are you OK?" I asked

"I'm fine," Akane grunted, but when she tried to stand up, it was plain that she wasn't. Ryu swore and we called Kasumi. She told us to take Akane to her room and then she wrapped up Akane's ankle.

"You'll have to drop out of tomorrow's match," Kasumi said

"No way! Ryu and I have worked so hard!" Akane protested

"You've sprained or twisted your ankle, you are not competing," Ryu told her

"You'll have to find a substitute," Kasumi told her

"Hey, Ryu did the teaching. Why doesn't he step in?" Nabiki asked

"But it's a girls only competition!" Akane protested

"So? We just dress Ryu up and no one will know the difference. What do you say?" Nabiki remarked while looking at Ryu. I could tell he didn't like the idea and that he knew that if he said no then I'd likely be the one in the ring with Kodachi. Of course, I couldn't just let him do that.

"I'll do it! Ryu can train me and I can enter in my girl form!" I exclaimed

"Oh really, what made you volunteer?" Nabiki asked

"Oh well…uh…what if Ryu gets found out? At least when I'm in girl form it ain't a disguise," I muttered

"But most of the school knows about your curse," Nabiki countered

"No thanks to you Nabiki!" Akane snapped

"So? Do you really thing that even if someone said anything, the other school would believe it?" I said and Nabiki couldn't think of anything to say to that. So I splashed myself with cold water, put on a leotard, and went into the dojo with Ryu. Akane insisted on watching, so Ryu carried her down to the dojo.

"If we're going to do this right, it'll probably take all night," Ryu said, "But first we should get a feel for how good you are now." Ryu fell into a ready stance and I tried to kick him, but he dodged. "Remember, tools only!" With that, we began our all night session; after we put Akane to bed.

"So teach, what's your secret?" I asked at about three o' clock

"I don't have one," Ryu responded

"What?"

"This whole time I was winging it. You'll find I've extremely good at throwing bull around," Ryu snickered

"So you..?"

"I had never picked up any of these tools before in my life. I pretty much just bulled my way through," Ryu explained

"Even my old man isn't that good! You just picked up the tools and you're acting like a pro! What style of martial arts _do_ you practice?" I asked

"I actually don't practice any given style, I just swing around different dojos in the area to make sure my forms are decent. Actually, I'm working on creating my own school," Ryu told me

"What's it like?" I asked

"Well…they say you should do what you love and love what you do, and since I'm the definition of an otaku, I've been trying to create a style based on video game moves," I couldn't believe Ryu said that with a straight face.

"A _video game_ style? How exactly do you plan to pull it off?" I questioned

"Let me give you an example, right now I'm working on two moves from the Sly Cooper games, the Fast and the Slow abilities. In game, they speed up and slow down time respectively. I obviously can't do that so I improvised. For the Slow, I found that by getting my mind into a state of hyper focus, everything around me seems to slow in comparison, thus granting the same effect. For Fast, it's my body that is affected. By boosting my natural speed with proper amounts of Ki, or life force energy, I can speed up my body to almost ridiculous levels. Of course, if I want to use it to fight, then I have to be extremely accurate with my attacks," Ryu explained

"Yeah, a thousand punches won't do you any good if you don't land them," I agreed

"Of course, they're both very tiring, so I have to build up my stamina if I want to get the best use out of them," After that we kinda got lost in martial arts talk for awhile.

Ryu's POV

"Hey Ryu, I kinda noticed all the attacks you're talkin' about seem to be more 'hit-n-run' things," Ranma remarked

"Give the boy a prize, you're right. They are all hit and run. That's because I really can't punch worth beans; I can kick like a mule, but lack the finesse or aerial abilities to kick properly; and I'm fast. That about sums up my physical state," I told him

"Come on, you can't be that bad," Ranma said and then put his hand out for me to punch at. I did so. "You're right, you can't punch."

"Which is why my style is the way it is. It takes the fullest advantages of my best traits: speed, quick thinking, and an affinity for most weapons. The name of the game is 'most damage with the least force'." I remarked, "For example, if I punched you in the abs, you'd feel almost nothing. But if I hit you like…_this_…"

"ARG!" Ranma cried in pain, "That freaking hurt! How'd you do that?"

"You can partially blame my brother and partially my innate knowledge of weak points. I told you my brother was studying to be a doctor, well I wanted to learn more and found out quite a few interesting things about the human body. For example, muscle is designed to take a punch, spread out the impact of the blunt fist, and transfer it over a wide area. However, a quick jab with the finger extended counteracts this and the damage is all centered on a relatively weak portion of the body," I explained and I knew Ranma understood the finer points of my explanation. We were about to continue on when

"Ranma, Ryu, breakfast!" Kasumi called and we then noticed the sunlight filtering in.

"Holy crap, we wasted a lot of time talking!" Ranma exclaimed

"Here's hoping what training we did get in is enough. I don't want to date Kodachi any more than you do," I said, we both shivered, and then Ranma let out a yawn.

"Now how am I gonna stay awake?" Ranma wondered

"Just a sec," I told him and grabbed my backpack and pulled out an air horn. I then rushed back into the dojo.

"What's tha-" *HONK* "AHHHHH!"

"Air horn. That should keep you awake long enough for your Circadian Clock to reset for the new day," I told him, but he was too busy trying to control the mad beating of his heart to listen. Eventually we headed to St. Hebereke for the gymnastics competition. The first thing we did was present Ranma to Kodachi to tell her that he was the substitute.

"I hurt myself practicing last night, so she's my substitute," Scarlet explained and then Kodachi made to shake hands with Ranma, but Scarlet caught Kodachi trying to stab Ranma with tacks in between her fingers.

"You dirty sneak!" I exclaimed

"Good Heavens, however did those tacks get between my fingers?" Kodachi wondered in fake innocence and then scampered off.

"I can't believe that girl! You can't take your eyes off her for a minute!" Scarlet complained as we headed to the changing room. There we found a surprise in the form of Ranma's old man in his panda form.

"Hey Pop," Ranma greeted and then we noticed black roses on the table. Akane was suspicious of them and put one into a nearby fish tank. All of the fish went belly up.

"I don't think it would be wise to sniff those flowers," I quipped

"Gee, ya think?!" Ranma barked at me, still slightly sore about the air horn I presumed. We decided to leave the dressing room incase Kodachi had left us other…surprises. So Akane and Ranma headed to the empty girls locker room for Ranma to change into a leotard. After that was taken care of, the three of us went to the ring and Ranma entered it. Then Kodachi came down on a trapeze in a bridal dress with fireworks bursting all around. Talk about over the top. Then one of the fireworks turned out to not be a firework, but a small missile and it came right for us! Thankfully, we all managed to dodge the explosive. The ref continued on as if nothing had happened and announced the combatants.

"In the red corner, Kodachi Kuno! In the blue corner, uh…excuse me, but what did you say your name was?" The ref asked

"Ranma Saotome," Ranma answered and this got a great reaction from Kodachi and her older brother. It also got a bit of stir from our school mates. Now everybody in the whole school knows that Ranma is indeed cursed. Of course, the Kunos were still without a clue. The ref then told them to shake hands, but instead Kodachi got a chain attacked to Ranma and on the other end was P-chan. How he had fallen into Kodachi's clutches was a mystery, but now he would be used to hinder Ranma. I'm starting to think someone up there really _does_ hate me.

**And so the match of Ryu's and Ranma's fate begins! Also, from now on I'll start reading the manga while at the same time watching the anime episode. So things will get a little mixed up as I chose which version I like better and use it.**


	12. Combat Roses

**Letters, are you ready?! On your marks, get set, WRITE!**

**Disclaimer: NASCAR does not approve of this message. Nor do I own Ranma ½.**

Ranma's POV

"You just live to louse up my life, don't you Ryoga?" I asked the boy-turned-pig and he responded by biting my wrist. "Behave yourself or you're going to be sorry!" I promised and the announcer told us that no bare hand attacks are allowed and if you fall out of the ring, you lose. I already knew this so we got started. I offered Kodachi a chance to leave, but she didn't take it. Then her rope went rigid, just like what Ryoga does with his bandannas. I was busy dodging it when Ryoga decided to tie me up with the chains that attached us. Kodachi then took the chance to get in a free shot.

"Ranma, you can't lose!" Ryu shouted, "P-CHAN! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU ARE BACON!" Then Kodachi attacked with her clubs and I nearly found out the hard way that she had spikes hidden in them. Akane tried to get the ref to call foul, but 'the tools she has are legal'. Then Kodachi went into a monologue about her loves, otherwise known as Ryu and myself. Finally, I got ticked off.

"When I want to date with you, I'LL TELL YOU!" I shouted and jumped up and used Ryoga as a tool so I got two birds with one stone. I landed on Ryoga, who landed on Kodachi's face. At the same time, I managed to get free of the chains.

"Who said anything about a date with you?" Kodachi asked

"Well…promise that if you lose, you'll never show your face to Ranma Saotome or Ryu Tomoe again!" I shouted

"And precisely what are you to Ranma Saotome and Ryu Tomoe?" Kodachi questioned

"Are you gonna promise or not?" I asked and then Kodachi invaded my personal space.

"You! You want Ranma and Ryu too!" Kodachi cried and I almost puked at the thought. I also heard a lot of the Furinkan crowd snickering. "I see it all clearly now! You wicked, wicked girl!" Kodachi then tried to beat me with her club, but I blocked it until Kuno ran up to talk to me but took Kodachi's club to the head.

"You idiot! I _am_ Ranma Saotome!" I shouted at Kodachi

"Ha! You can do better than that. Hoop!" Kodachi called and then her second tossed her a hoop. "Insolent female to assume _his_ name! I, Kodachi the Black Rose, shall punish you!"

"Someone's obsessed over Sailor Moon," Akane muttered

"Pigtailed girl, tell me, do you love Ranma?!" Kuno asked and since the truth obviously was beyond him, I decided to try out the line Nabiki came up with.

"Like it or not, Ranma and I are of one mind and one body," I told the Kunos

"One mind?" Kuno gasped

"One body?" Kodachi muttered, "ONE MIND AND ONE BODY?!"

"It just sorta happened, OK? It's like fate," I continued

"FATE?!" Kodachi shrieked, "You and Ranma fated to be together?!"

"My darling…it can't be…" Kuno mumbled and I snuck a glance over at Ryu and Akane. Ryu was pinching the bridge of his nose while obviously trying not to laugh while Akane just had her face buried in her hands while shaking her head. Kodachi then threw her hoop in anger and both Kuno and I jumped, but his bokken wasn't so lucky. That hoop had been razor sharp! Akane then tossed me a pair of clubs so I could defend myself.

"If you won't listen to reason, I'm gonna have to beat some sense into you!" I shouted and then Kodachi unleashed something she called 'the dreaded attack of a thousand clubs'.

"Ranma, she's got multiple clubs at the same time! Knock them away!" Ryu shouted and Akane tossed me a ball, which I used to break Kodachi's attack. Then about twenty clubs fell to the mat. Kodachi then used her ribbon to swipe a bell and I managed to block with Ryoga just in time. Unfortunately, Ryoga didn't like that one bit.

"What do ya want me to do?!" I barked at him, but he kept on trying to attack me. While I was fighting with Ryoga, Kodachi tried to hit me with a chair. So I decided to snatch a table and throw it at Kodachi. In return, Kodachi used Kuno to block. Unfortunately, for me, it wasn't the second Sunday of the month. After that; things got a bit wild with Kodachi throwing Kuno at me again and again until final I used Ryoga to put a stop to him. They carried Kuno away on a stretcher, but I think it's better than the alternative. That's about when Kodachi started throwing balls that were loaded with bombs. We then tossed clubs and each other and after that got our ribbons tied up. We pulled for awhile, but then I decided to throw Kodachi off balance by letting go.

"What a pest, she's like a cockroach wearing a leotard," I heard Kodachi mutter and then she snatched a kettle of hot water from my old man. If that stuff hit me, I'd be screwed, Ryoga woulda been screwed, and then I'd be screwed again along with Ryu by going on a date with Kodachi. I couldn't be seen as a guy in a leotard! I tried to escape, but Kodachi got Ryoga and me with the hot water, but before anyone could see us change, we were doused in cold water! Akane had broken out the fire hose and turned it on us! Thank goodness for tomboys! Then I noticed that Ryoga and I were getting washed over the edge! So we quickly got back over the ring and Akane turned off the water. I barely managed to dodge a hoop tossed by Kodachi, though.

"Don't you know when to give up?! Are you really so determined to steal my Ranma and Ryu?!" Kodachi yelled at me

"Since when are Ranma and Ryu _yours_?!" I shouted back and Kodachi charged at me with one of those spiked clubs of hers. I dodged and then grabbed her arm with my legs and tossed her. I thought I had won, but then Kodachi whistled and the whole ring moved! I then tried the same trick and it worked again. It looks like whoever's moving the ring can't tell the difference between us. That meant they could only be in one place. I tore the mat off the ring and sure enough, several girls were underneath. I learned from the announcer that it was the _entire_ gymnastics team under there, except Kodachi. They all then fled like bugs.

"Now the only thing left are the poles and ropes! This all comes down to a test of balance!" The announcer shouted and that meant this was a good as won. The Saotome School was made for aerial combat! I tried to jump at Kodachi, but found Ryoga wasn't so keen on the idea of me jumping around.

"You little jerk!" I shouted and managed to get back to the pole and the promptly punched Ryoga. Ryoga oinked something at me, but it wasn't too hard to guess what it was. "You try something like that again and I'll really hurt you!" Before I could make any more threats, Kodachi got her ribbon around my neck and tried to throw me, but I managed to get it out of her hands, wrapped it around a rafter, and tried to swing at her, but the ribbon was too short. On the backswing, Kodachi threw a club and cut the ribbon, so I landed on the opposite rope and used it to jump at Kodachi. I'm just glad Ryoga wasn't interfering.

"You fool, attacking bare handed is illegal!" Kodachi reminded me, so I knocked out the poll from under her. Kodachi as so shocked, that she ended up on the floor while I was using part of the poll to keep me from touching the ground until I was declared the winner. I was just happy it was over, I was beat.

"Thus, as I promised, I shall give up my passions for Ranma and Ryu," Kodachi told me and I almost breathed a sigh of relief when the other shoe dropped, "Beginning today…I will burn with new passions for my Ranma and Ryu!"

"NOOO! That's not true! That's impossible!" Ryu cried in anguish and I just collapsed.

That night, after we had gotten home, I broke the chain and both Ryoga and me changed back.

"I coulda won that easy if you hadn't messed me up," I grumbled

"Just shut up!" Ryoga snapped, "It was my one chance to break you and Akane up for good!"

"P-chan, come here baby! It's time to go beddy by!" Akane called and like clockwork, Ryoga turned himself back into P-chan and went to Akane. Oh how I hate him sometimes.

"Wait a minute! You don't think you're gonna sneak into Akane's bed again, do ya?!" I shouted and then quickly put on my boxers and chased after the little run. He ran right into Akane's room just as she was about to get undressed. Ryoga hopped on her bed with a stupid grin plastered on his stupid face. Akane then hit me real good with that shinai of hers and I left before she could do any more damage. I decided to sit out by the koi pond.

"Saotome," Kuno then showed up and tossed me a bunch of roses. He told me to give them to the pigtailed girl. He then warned me that someday he'd take her from me by force. He left and I tried to go after him, but slipped and fell into the koi pond. Then Kodachi showed up and tossed me two bunches of black roses. Of course, she wanted me to deliver them to Ryu and Ranma. She then told me that she'd someday take the both of them from me by force. She has a snowball's chance in Hell of ever getting Ryu or me. Stupid Kunos!

**We now arrive at the end of this particular arc. Next time on Curiosity killed the cat we shall meet Dr. Tofu's darling mother. And all the Chaos that ensues.**


	13. Pelvic Panic

**No cool and/or lame opening jokes today. I'm too busy geeking out over who Disney picked to direct Star Wars!**

**Disclaimer: The Force is not with me and neither are the rights to Ranma ½.**

Ranma's POV

For whatever reason, Kasumi had made Dr. Tofu some dinner and asked me to take it to him. Then Akane insisted that she come too. When I asked her about it on the way over, she said she wanted to see the expression on Dr. Tofu's face.

"So you say, but are you sure it isn't because of…well…uh…" I stuttered

"Oh, you jealous Ranma?" Akane asked

"You _must_ be kidding," I replied and we got to Dr. Tofu's clinic. When we gave him the bowl, his glasses didn't fog over, but it was we knew he was half way there when he went into the bathroom instead of the kitchen. His next stop was to the window.

"Look at him Akane, he's…hopeless," I whispered and she giggled. Dr. Tofu eventually made his way to the kitchen and we got comfortable. We sat around for a few minutes before suddenly a little old lady with a wood box burst through the sliding door! The box alone was almost as tall as I was!

"What was that noise?" Dr. Tofu asked and entered the room. He saw the shrine and said he already had one.

"You can't have forgotten me already?" The old lady asked and then popped opens the shrine, "Hiya son!" She's Dr. Tofu's _mom_?!

"But Mother, you could have at least called first!" Dr. Tofu exclaimed

"So I forgot. Come here and pay your respects to your Father," Mrs. Tofu ordered and we looked at the picture in the shrine. Dr. Tofu really took after his old man as far as looks go. We all paid our respects and then Dr. Tofu asked his mom why she was here. That's when we found out Mrs. Tofu was trying to get Dr. Tofu hitched. She had even brought match-making photos. The first picture had a tomboy even more buff than Akane was. When I said this to Akane, I got elbowed in the gut.

"That girl won the all Japan pelvic contest you know, and a member of the pelvic pride society, and soon she will have a singing career with the song 'The Big Hips Blues'!" Mrs. Tofu informed us and then went on about how big hips bore healthy children and so on.

"Mother, I have no intention of getting married any time soon," Dr. Tofu told his Mom and then she rushed to the shrine and cried to Mr. Tofu. Mrs. Tofu then tried to hang herself from the same place Betty was hanging from. Dr. Tofu then tried to stop her from killing herself.

"Please stop! Dr. Tofu is already in love with someone!" Akane shouted and all heads turned to her. That's when Kasumi decided to walk into the clinic. What was the point of having me go to Dr. Tofu's if she was gonna do it anyway? Dr. Tofu's glasses then fogged over and he started acting goofy, as usual.

Mrs. Tofu then asked Kasumi if she and Dr. Tofu were, 'special friends' and she said no. Mrs. Tofu didn't seem to like that answer.

Akane's POV

As soon as I got home, I went to Nabiki and told her what had happened. All she seemed to care about was Dr. Tofu's nest egg.

"You'd better not be thinking of extorting money out of him!" I exclaimed

"Extort? I'm wounded. Do I look like the type to extort?" Nabiki asked

"Do you really want me to answer that? Or better yet, I can call up Ryu for help in answering that and I'm sure you'll enjoy his choice of adjectives," I deadpanned

"And I'm equally sure Ryu will enjoy being dragged out of bed to insult me. It's almost midnight Akane," Nabiki countered

"Fine then, get out of my room so I get to sleep," I grumbled and she left

Nabiki's POV

I had a plan. It had been somewhat slow business lately and I needed something to do, if for no other reason than pure entertainment. And a crack at that nest egg of Dr. Tofu's wasn't a bad thing either. It was with these things in mind that I entered Dr. Tofu's clinic that afternoon.

"Hello? Anybody home?" I called and Dr. Tofu popped his head out, "Doctor, have I got a deal for you." I then got him to take me to a restaurant and offered to play the part of his girlfriend for 600 yen an hour. Of course, it was all in the name of setting his poor, dear Mother at ease.

"You're going to charge me?" Dr. Tofu asked

"Akane tells me your Mother is a tough nut to crack. The 600 yen is after tax," I told him and he agreed. I then felt a craving for some sweets and ordered them.

Ryu's POV

We were walking home when suddenly Scarlet told Ranma and me that she was going somewhere and to not follow her. So of course, we tried to follow her, but she stopped us pretty quickly.

"Now what're we gonna do?" Ranma wondered

"I don't know about you, but I'm heading up to the rooftops. She won't think to look for us up there," I said and we both headed up. We tailed Scarlet all the way to Dr. Tofu's clinic. I dug around in my backpack until finally I pulled out what I was looking for.

"What the heck is that thing?" Ranma asked

"My version of the extendable ear. Probably not as good as the original, but it works. Unfortunately, I only have this one," I told him as I placed it on the roof. I then heard as Scarlet claimed to be Dr. Tofu's lover and it sounded like someone was examining her hips.

"Hey Ranma, are there any crazy old bats who are obsessed with hips you know?" I asked him

"That's gotta be Dr. Tofu's Mom. She's been tryin' ta play matchmaker for Dr. Tofu," Ranma answered and then Scarlet left. Then Nabiki got thrown into the mix. If I knew her, she was getting Dr. Tofu to pay her to pretend to be his lover. I very much enjoyed hearing Nabiki scream when Mrs. Tofu tested Nabiki's hips.

With the information, we had been looking for gathered; I told Ranma good night and headed home to plot.

Akane's POV

I had been practicing in the dojo when Ranma walked in.

"So you volunteered to be Dr. Tofu's wife," Ranma said and walked up to me. I couldn't think of anything to say, "Congratulations!" Ranma exclaimed, "You can't cook, you're not much of a looker, the one thing you do have is brute strength! Plus, you've got the biggest pair of hips in all Japan!" Then he sauntered off singing the Big Hips Blues.

"Thanks for nothing you jerk!" I yelled at him, but restrained myself from beating his face in like I wanted to.

The next day I got an invitation from Mrs. Tofu to a party. Of course I had to go, but when I got there, Nabiki was too. It would seem Nabiki was also pretending to be in love with Dr. Tofu and now we were going to do some ritual Mrs. Tofu showed us. It was basically a little song and dance and then I would have to try and shove Nabiki off of a pedestal using our rear ends. This might not end well.

Ranma's POV

"Uh oh, Akane's going to win this for sure," I muttered while watching

"That's why you're going in too!" I heard Ryoga shouted and before I could do anything about it, I was doused in water. The stupid pig then somehow slipped me into a frilly, pink dress. But now that I was dressed, I decided I might as well try and fix this mess.

"Who are you?" Mrs. Tofu asked

"Oh, Mother Tofu, it is I, your future daughter-in-law! I've come to stand by my man!" I declared in a breathy voice. I then ran over to Dr. Tofu, "We were engaged long before these two tried to sink their claws into him! Isn't that right, darling?" All the time, I felt Pop's beady eyes glaring at me.

"You lunatic!" Akane shouted and moved to crush me with that pedestal. But I had more important things to worry about. Like Mrs. Tofu feeling up my hips. She seemed to like my hips the best. She said they were 'strong like a man's, but soft enough for a woman'. I don't know why, but I felt a bit of pride in that statement. That's when Kasumi showed up carrying a plate of fish. Dr. Tofu's glasses got all foggy and he told his mom he'd chose the girl he wanted. I was worried, as Dr. Tofu was likely to do just about anything while in that crazy state, but he ended up picking Betty. He then started dancing with her.

The next day Mrs. Tofu said good bye. She even got Kasumi to walk with her and Dr. Tofu to the train station.

"Hey Ranma, why did you volunteer to be one of Dr. Tofu's fiancés?" Akane asked

"I…uh…well…you know what? I have absolutely no idea. It must've seemed like a good idea at the time, but I just don't remember," I admitted

"Are you sure about that Ranma?" Ryu popped up from nowhere asking

"Ah! Where'd you come from? Or better yet, where were you last night?" I asked

"Collecting smiles," He answered cryptically

"Not again Ryu! Just make sure Nabiki doesn't get her hands on it," Akane told him

"I learned my lesson from the last time. It's well hidden," Ryu assured her

"What's well hidden?" I asked

"I videotaped all of last night," Ryu told me

"You what?!" I shouted

"Keep it down! Anyway, it's not for blackmail. It's for my own personal amusement," Ryu assured me, "And if Nabiki tries anything I'll remind her of what a fine squawk she has," Ryu snickered

"Just leave me out of it," Akane sighed and then headed back into the house. I followed as I needed to get that stupid dress off.

**As with in the manga, I'll do the P-Chan kidnapping before Shampoo arrives, not the other way around. **


	14. Pig Wars: attack of the 'zusa

**Greetings People of Earth; this intergalactic broadcast is not brought to you by aliens!**

**Disclaimer: Area 51 doesn't hold any alien corpses and I don't hold the rights to Ranma ½.**

Akane's POV

I had decided to go down to the indoor skating rink with P-chan to get our minds off the heat wave Nerima was experiencing. While I was skating around, some of the girls signaled me over and talked to me about joining the skating club. That's when I remembered I had left P-chan on the ice. So I went searching for him, only to find that he had gone missing again. Sometimes I wonder if Ranma isn't right about P-chan having a sense of direction as bad as Ryoga' there was only one thing to do; track down Ranma and Ryu so they could help me find P-chan before he wandered too far.

Ranma's POV

I had been trying to eat when suddenly Akane burst into the restaurant, dragging Ryu by the ear. She then marched straight up to me and then broke down crying. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, but I have no freaking clue about girls!

"Cut that out Akane!" I protested, but then she told me that Ryoga in P-chan form had gone missing. I guess that explains why Ryu is here. Doesn't explain why he's being dragged by the ear though.

"Scarlet, could you _please_ let go of my ear. I'm sorry for making a bacon joke about P-chan already!" That answers that question. Akane then told us that witnesses had seen Ryoga get pig-napped. That's when a girl walked in with P-chan in her arms.

"That was easy," I remarked

"P-chan!" Akane exclaimed and went to retrieve Ryoga's pork butt.

"Who are you? Go away; this is Azusa's little Charlotte!" I've read enough manga to know that when someone refers to himself or herself in the third person, they're crazy, the bad guy, or both. But the fact that she named Ryoga 'Charlotte' gave her a pass in my book.

"No, this is my pet pig, P-chan!" Akane asserted and just when it looked like a fight would start, a young man picked Ryoga out of Azusa's grasp and gave him to Akane.

"You give her back, you…you…" Azusa spluttered and then began to beat on the guy while yelling at him to give her back her 'Charlotte'. She first hit him with her fists, then a frying pan, then a chair, all while trying to explain that the girl was a thief and was just about to hit him with a table when he snapped.

"WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT YOU IDIOT?!" The guy roared and then Azusa walked up to Akane.

"If you won't give Azusa back her Charlotte, then I challenge you!" Azusa shouted and Akane was ready to take her on, but then Azusa told her that it would be a figure skating challenge. Then one of the girls from class said that the guy and Azusa were the 'golden pair'; supposed masters of martial arts figure skating.

"I'm Azusa Shiratori," Azusa informed us

"And I'm Mikado Sanzenin," Mikado said

"Akane, you should try to out-skate these two, they're the best of the best," Another classmate warned

"So what if they are?!" Akane shouted and somehow I knew that this wouldn't end well for me. I'm starting to think the only reason Ryoga has for existing is to screw up my life. Then that Mikado character tried to 'apologize' for his partner by kissing Akane. So I flicked a pickle at him. I don't know why I did it, but I couldn't take it back.

"I've received your message of challenge," Mikado told me and then set the time and place of the match. With everything settled, I walked out of the restaurant.

"Well that was interesting. Why was I dragged along again?" Ryu wondered

"How was I supposed to know P-chan had been kidnapped by a kleptomaniac who happened to drop by the restaurant Ranma was eating at?" Akane asked

"Now don't go thinkin' I was jealous of you or anything," I said from on top of the fence, "I just couldn't allow a pervert like that to live."

"Why would I think you were jealous?" Akane asked

"Suave guys like that just give me the creeps, that's all," I remarked

"Then if you don't mind, I'd like to be the one to kill him!" Ryu volunteered and that caused both me and Akane to look at him funny. "What? I'm not allowed to want to disembowel him?" We chose not to answer him.

"Overprotective much?" I quipped

"Like you said, an obvious playboy like that can't be allowed to live!" Ryu protested, "Or we could settle for castrating him." He remarked as an afterthought

"Cast- what?" I questioned

"He means neutering him," Akane answered, "Not a bad idea on the whole." OK, I am officially surrounded by weird people…of course; I do change into a girl with cold water, so I can't really talk.

Eventually, we made our way home and Akane and I told everyone what had happened. Of course Nabiki was full of snarky comments about us getting along as a pair for the figure skating challenge. Then who should walk by but Ryoga in his human form.

"Let me skate with you!" He demanded, "Akane, let me be your partner!"

"Oh and how do you know about this whole figure skating business, Charlotte?" I asked Ryoga and he hit me in the head.

"Who are you calling Charlotte?!" Ryoga shouted and eventually we decided to skate for the right to be Akane's partner. So we all headed to the ice rink the next day.

Ryu's POV

I decided it would probably be best to hang around the rink for the duration of this figure skating business to make sure nobody got seriously hurt again. Unfortunately, for Ranma and Ryoga, who I didn't know was around, they both sucked at skating. So much so that they couldn't take a single step on the ice. I've seen kids that are four do better on their first try!

"Let's review, shall we? Ranma, who obviously can't skate, vs. Mikado, a legend. There's no way Ranma could possibly lose!" I exclaimed with fake brightness. Looks like P-chan is as good as Azusa's. But that didn't mean I couldn't get a good snicker or two at how epically Ranma and Ryoga managed to hurt themselves.

Eventually, Ranma got ticked off about some kindergartener offering to teach Ranma how to skate. So he took of his skates and dashed into the men's room, taking great care to step on Ryoga's prone form.

"Ranma, how dare you?!" He barked at his arch-enemy/rival. But Ranma paid him no mind. This prompted Ryoga to take off his own skates and chase after Ranma. He went into the bathroom, but only Ranma in his girl form and P-chan came out. I guess Ranma KO'd Ryoga and left him in the men's room.

Now that Ranma was a girl, he decided it was OK for Scarlet to teach him how to skate. Moreover, I'm just chopped liver.

"Stand up straight; you're a man, aren't you?" Scarlet asked

"R-Right at the moment, I'm a woman!" Ranma protested and I could only think how lucky he was that his dad wasn't around to hear him say that. Never mind; there he goes skating with the kids in his panda form.

"If I did this as a guy, I'd look dumb," Ranma remarked after his dad had passed

"Newsflash, doing it as a girl doesn't make you look much better. If you were trying for the cute-n-clumsy thing, maybe; but we all know you'd rather die than try something like that," I quipped and Ranma glared at me.

That's about when Azusa popped up and kicked Scarlet from behind.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Akane shouted at the brown haired girl. Then Azusa deflected Akane's rage by pointing out that Ranma was sliding away at a rather alarming rate. Then he crashed right into Mikado. Pervert + Ranma in girl form = someone's going to get killed. And it sure won't be Ranma. Fortunately, for that Satyromaniac, Azusa kicked him before he could make any moves on Ranma.

"Do your girl chasing later, it's time to practice the Assault of a Hundred Foes," Azusa told Mikado and they put us off to the sidelines while a bunch of guys in hockey equipment charged them. I wouldn't have thought of doing the Assault of a Hundred Foes could be done on ice, but Azusa and Mikado seemed to do it with ease. Those two might fight constantly, but they were something else when skating together. They kicked all one hundred of their butts in nine seconds flat.

"P-chan?" Scarlet wondered and I followed her gaze and saw that P-chan was being hunted down by several girls. I guess pig hunting was in season or something. Scarlet went after P-chan, but Azusa snagged him first and put a collar on him. The collar was also locked onto P-chan and Azusa had the key. So to up the stakes, the key would also be part of the prize. I guess it was to make sure Akane and Ranma didn't duck out.

Meanwhile, Ranma was flailing around for a few moments and then snagged by Mikado before I could help her get her balance back.

"Let go of me!" Ranma ordered, but Mikado ignored him and then kissed Ranma full on the lips. Thankfully, Scarlet and I were the only ones from School at the rink, but both of us got bug eyed from the shock. A guy had kissed Ranma! And effectively signed his own death warrant. Ranma had frozen up from the shock as well and Mikado continued the kiss until he had to come up for air. Mikado then set Ranma down and after a few zombie-like movements, the shock thawed into pure confusion-fueled chaos in his mind and she bolted off in tears.

"To be moved so by my kiss, such a pure and innocent girl!" Mikado exclaimed and I just didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd likely be dead in the next minute or so.

"You'd cry too, if you'd realize who you just kissed," Scarlet muttered and the Mikado said something about 'toying with a young girl's emotions' and 'being ashamed of himself'. I barely resisted the urge to face palm. Then Ranma stormed back out onto the ice in his male form. I could only hope that there would be enough of Mikado left over for me to dish out some minor punishment. The look on Ranma's face was truly scary and it was plain that he was out for blood.

"MIKADO!" Ranma roared, "FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T LET YOU LIVE!" I could understand how Ranma felt, only it must be a lot worse for him because he was a girl at the time. So not only was he kissed by another guy, but while he was in a body that he didn't really consider his own.

"For the first time, in my whole life, **I'M REALLY MAD**!" Ranma bellowed and punched the ice so that it cracked all the way to where Mikado was standing.

"I don't know what you're angry about, but for the sin of damaging the rink, you must die!" Mikado exclaimed and that's about when I saw Ranma's worthless father sitting on the sidelines, eating, and watching this whole thing. SHOULDN'T HE BE AT LEAT TRYING TO COMFORT HIS SON?! THIS COULD SCAR RANMA FOR LIFE AND HE'S SITTING THERE FILLING HIS FAT STOMACH! Then Karma came for him in the form of Azusa deciding she wanted his rice ball. It was only a token gesture until I could really rip the fat panda a new one, but I appreciated Karma's stopgap measure.

**Next chapter contains secrets coming to light, a battle to the death, emotional scarring, and a new panda-skin rug. Be sure to keep a lookout! **


	15. Pig Wars: Death of the Piggy

**I've gotten a double whammy that's emptied both my tissue boxes and my winnings.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own whammy/press your luck or Ranma ½.**

Akane's POV

I don't think I've ever seen Ranma this angry.

"Kick his butt Ranma!" Ryu cheered and then covered his mouth. For some reason he tried to slink away and then Mikado turned to look at him.

"Ryu? Ryu Tomoe?" Mikado asked, but Ryu only paused long enough to flip Mikado the bird before storming out of the rink. What the heck was that all about? Mikado then turned back to Ranma. "So, you know that pathetic Tomoe? I suppose it shouldn't surprise me, only someone as low as him would dare damage the rink." Mikado quipped and Raman got even angrier.

"You leave my friends alone!" He shouted and he sprung at Mikado, but at the last moment Mikado dodged and Ranma landed head first into the ice.

"Fool, going straight for a suicide attack like that," Mikado mused, but then Ranma appeared right behind him and attacked. Mikado barely dodged in time. Unfortunately, for Ranma, that sent him skating across the ice, on his face. "I don't like using this move on an amateur, but…" Then Mikado began to spin around and around, but Ranma charged right in and got caught up in the spin. Some of the guys in hokey gear called it the Dance of Death, but Ranma seemed to be handling it fairly well. I decided to count how many times Ranma hit Mikado. When Ranma was thrown clear, the total was five hundred and one hits. I then skated over to him.

"Can you stand up?" I asked and Ranma tried to, but couldn't get upright on the ice.

"Looks like a draw, hmmm?" Azusa remarked

"Nope, Ranma won," I corrected her and dragged Ranma off while Azusa and the others began to draw on the unconscious Mikado.

With that taken care of, we went to find Ryu. His house wasn't too far from the rink and that's where we found him, chugging soda like there was no tomorrow.

"Do you mind telling me what got you so worked up all of a sudden?" I asked and Ryu grumbled something unintelligible.

"Don't you go giving me that! Tell me what happened," I demanded

"Do you remember about two years ago when I said I broke my tail bone and couldn't sit properly for over a week?" Ryu asked suddenly

"Now that you mention it, I do," I answered

"Well, the truth of the matter was I had gotten it broken by fighting with Mikado. I had been at the rink minding my own business when that pervert showed up and started harassing at the girls at the rink. So naturally, I challenged him to a fight. I told him that if I beat him, he'd have to leave the girls alone. He then told me that he didn't want anything from me if I lost, he said 'the satisfaction of demolishing your misplaced confidence is prize enough'. Then I proceeded to get my butt handed to me on a silver platter," Ryu explained

"So Mikado's always been a pervert?" Ranma asked

"Insofar as I know," Ryu answered

"So why didn't you tell me in the first place?" I asked

"Because he _did_ hurt my confidence and I wanted to lick my wounds in peace. Ever since then, I've done my best to not think about it," Ryu replied

"Well if it makes ya feel any better, I kicked his butt just now," Ranma remarked and a small smile played over Ryu's face.

"Thanks Ranma, that's nice of you to say. And that reminds me, I need to have words with your old man," Ryu said

"What did he do this time?" Ranma asked

"Blatant inconsideration for his own son, that's what!" Ryu exclaimed and then headed out the door and towards my house. Ranma and I followed. When we arrived, Ryu dragged Mr. Saotome in panda form to the dojo. We all decided it would be best if no one went in there for awhile. So we went to the living room and Ranma got something for his bruises.

"Quite pathetic, isn't it?" We turned to see Ryoga leaning in the doorframe. "I would have never let such a thing happen to _me_."

"SHUT UP! If I hadn't been stuck in skates, that moron woulda never-" Ranma cut himself off

"Kissed you?" Ryoga finished

"Really? You were kissed Ranma?" Kasumi asked

"Wow! By who? By who?!" Nabiki shouted

"Tell them, Ranma. It isn't often that one is kissed by such and handsome boy," Ryoga snickered

"Boy?!" Nabiki and Kasumi chorused, but before Ryoga could tease Ranma any further, Ryu showed up and punted Ryoga out of the yard.

"YOU INSTENSITIVE MORON! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU HAD GOTTEN KISSED BY ANOTHER GUY?!" Ryu roared

"Did ya have to go and kick me so hard?!" Ryoga shouted back

"YES! AND YOU'RE JUST LUCKY I DIDN'T AIM WHERE IT WOULD REALLY HURT!" Ryoga then got the messaged and left.

"Ya didn't have to defend me like that. I coulda handled it," Ranma said in a subdued voice

"Just because your father doesn't give a damn about you doesn't mean everyone feels the same way. I consider you my friend and friends look out for each other. We also talk to each other about our problems. So if you ever feel the need, I'll always have an ear to lend," With that Ryu left. But not before growling at Nabiki; something about not giving Ranma any grief.

Ranma then headed out to the dojo to do some thinking, I guess.

Ranma's POV

The first thing I noticed when I entered the dojo was a panda corpse. I guess Ryu really was pissed at the old man. Or maybe he just underestimated Ryu and paid the price. So the first thing I did was throw Pops out of the dojo so I could think in peace. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think about was that stupid kiss. No matter what I tried, it always came back to that. I'm just thankful no one from school saw me. I probably would have died if word got out that I had been kissed by another guy. Come to think of it, that's probably what has Ryu so pissed off. He's had to deal with all kinds of crap like this.

"You're wide open you know," I heard Akane remark right before she smacked me on the head. "Pay attention. Honestly, aren't you finished pouting? And here I thought you were a guy."

"Aw, go ahead and laugh at me," I grumbled and Akane lost no time in doing just that. "Hey! What are you laughing at?!"

"Oh nothing," Akane replied while looking up at the suddenly interesting ceiling. Before I could protest, Akane suddenly put a bandage on my nose. "You do realize it's your own fault that he kissed you. You left yourself wide open."

"I'm sorry I don't have practice at being a girl," I remarked venomously, "How am I supposed to know if I'm leaving myself wide open or not?!" Then Akane got a faraway look in her eyes that made me regret saying anything at all.

"Well then maybe I should teach you. I don't want to have to put up with you moping every time you run across a guy with more testosterone than common sense while you're in your girl form," Akane commented

"NO!" I yelped, "I mean, no, I don't need help," I said while looking anywhere but at Akane.

"What's the matter, scared?" Akane teased

"I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't," I muttered under my breath

"What?" Akane asked

"Pops raised me to be a man among men. We were almost always on the move and I didn't get to have friends and stuff like other people. Pops called them distractions from the Art. I have absolutely no business 'learning to be a girl'," I said and then Akane sighed and began making a 'tsk' sound.

"You're really going to continue to listen to the guy who Ryu just beat up because he doesn't care about you at all? The one who got you cursed in the first place? You just admitted that you don't know what it's like to really have friends because of him! And yet you're still going to follow his teachings? As far as I can tell, the only thing your Dad is good for is Martial Arts. Beyond that he's worse than useless," Akane observed

"When you say it like that it does sound kinda stupid," I said and while I had had fights with my old man before, I had never stopped to think about it like that before.

"Or you could think about it another way, if you still want to try the whole 'man among men' thing. Which is more manly, getting kissed by every pervert around or getting taught how to prevent it?" Akane questioned

"So you don't think I'd be less of a man if I did this?" I asked

"Hardly. You've got enough macho pride for ten men. Besides, your curse might be around for awhile and I think it would be less manly to run away from it as opposed to facing it head on," Akane answered

"What about Ryu?" I wondered

"We can talk to him tomorrow, but he'll probably say something along the lines of 'it's better to use everything you have at your disposal. You can't control your curse so the only smart thing to do is learn how to use it'." Akane remarked

"Thanks Akane, talkin' about this helped a lot," I told her and I smiled at her before leaving the dojo. Ryu may have killed the fat panda, but I still wanted to skin him.

Ryu's POV

The day of the 'Charlotte cup' had finally arrived. Ranma had just told me that Mikado planned on kissing Scarlet at some time during the match. I wanted to go try and kill him before he got on the ice and became dangerous, but Ranma promised that Mikado would only kiss Scarlet over his dead body. He went to put on his skates and I got a seat. I decided to keep a close eye on P-chan to make sure Azusa didn't try anything sneaky.

Azusa and Mikado entered the rink with practiced grace, but Ranma still hadn't gotten skating down completely and so his and Scarlet's entrance was a little bit more…painful. The bell rang and almost right off the bat Mikado tried to kiss Scarlet! Thankfully, Ranma was able to keep Mikado from his goal.

"Ranma, above you!" Scarlet shouted as Azusa came in for an attack, but it was too late and Ranma took Azusa's knees to the face. Mikado tried to kiss Scarlet again, but she threw him off. She then went to try and rouse Ranma, but he had landed pretty hard. Eventually, he did come around and then they went on the attack. Ranma threw Scarlet into the air and then nailed Mikado in the gut. Ranma then caught Scarlet, but then ran into the fence. They nearly crashed and only Ranma's split second timing had saved them.

Meanwhile, Mikado was still down from the punch he had received from Ranma. So of course, Azusa skated over to him and poked the spot where he was hurt. Mikado only flinched, but then Azusa started punching the sore spot. With friends like her, who needs enemies?

"Why are you hitting me there you ditz?!" Mikado shouted

"But widdle Azusa is worried about you," She said, but Mikado had turned his attention to Ranma and Scarlet.

"It's rare that I'm brought to my knees," He remarked

"You try anything funny with Akane again and I'll do more than bring you to your knees!" Ranma threatened

"Oh? And just what will you do?" Mikado challenged

"I'll put your lady-killing butt straight into a coffin!" Ranma declared, "Akane is my fiancée! You touch her and I'll kill you!" Ranma practically snarled that last part. Their parents might have shoved them together, but I think they might be starting to genuinely care for one another. Then Mikado swore to break Ranma and Scarlet apart and began to laugh sinisterly.

"We, the golden pair, also have another name," Mikado said as Azusa jumped on his shoulders

"The anti-matchmakers!" They both cried and the announcer then shouted that they were going to do a technique called the 'Couple Cleaver'. Azusa snatched Ranma's ankles and as he fell, he grabbed onto Scarlet's hands. Mikado then lifted all three of them up into the air and began to spin. Then the announcer shouted something about 'The Good-bye Whirl'. Personally, I was too busy being worried about Ranma and Scarlet.

"Ranma Saotome, if you let Akane go, I'll stop!" Mikado promised. Then I got the idea of what the attack was trying to do. It was a test to see how loyal you were…or in this case, how hard headed. Unfortunately, for Mikado and Azusa, they just happened to be up against two of the hardest heads in the world and they were also fairly loyal to one another, even if they wouldn't admit it. Scarlet tried to convince Ranma to let go, but that only made him want to hang on all the more.

"Little Azusa is all worn out!" Azusa suddenly cried and both Ranma and Scarlet went flying. They were still holding on. But they were going fast! Then Ranma placed himself in between the wall and Scarlet and took the brunt of the force. The impact created a big crater and I winced. Then I saw P-chan break his chain and I decided to follow to make sure he didn't get lost. So I followed him to the men's room and saw P-chan turn on the hot water in the sink and jump in. Then out came a naked Ryoga.

It didn't take a genius to figure out Ryoga had a curse like Ranma's and boy was I pissed. THAT LITTLE PIG HAD BEEN SLEEPING IN SCARLET'S ROOM!

Ryoga's POV

With Ranma out of the way, I could replace him and skate with Akane! Then I turned around and saw Ryu staring me down.

"Hello, Ryoga," He sounded friendly enough, but there was an icy undertone that froze me in my tracks.

"Hey, Ryu, what's up?" I asked, hoping I wasn't in as much trouble as I thought I was. Ryu didn't answer immediately. Instead, he went over to the sink and turned on the cold water. Ryu then splashed me.

"Oh, nothing much is up. But Kasumi will probably be making pork chops for dinner," Ryu growled and I tried to escape, but he caught me in his backpack and I couldn't escape.

Akane's POV

Ranma was hurt, so I begged him not to continue. Then I noticed Ryu was already on standby. I pointed him out to Ranma and he nodded. Ryu skated out to help Ranma off the ice, when suddenly the lights cut off and I felt myself shoved off the ice. Just as suddenly as they went off, they came back on, beside me was Ryoga, and on the ice was Ranma in his girl form and Ryu.

"Would someone mind telling me what the heck is goin' on here?!" Ranma demanded

"Your guess is as good as mine," Ryu replied while pointed over at Ryoga. Then Mikado skated over and tried to flirt with Ranma, but he was having none of it. Then the crowd started to complain about Ryu and Ranma's costumes. I knew where this was heading and I knew it was no where good.

"It seems The Kolhotz fashion club has appeared!" The announcer exclaimed

"AHHHH!" Ryu cried and skated away as fast as he could. Ranma shot me a questioning look and I told him I'd explain later. Ranma's costume was changed relatively quickly, but they had to hunt down Ryu and that wasn't easy. But eventually they managed to bring him down and get him into a costume.

That's when Mikado tried to take advantage of the situation and kiss me on the hand, but Ryu punted him away before he could. Then Ranma slipped on the ice and took Ryu down with him.

"Here we go again!" Azusa chirped and they started the Couple Cleaver again. This wasn't good, if Ranma took another hit, he'd be finished! Thankfully, Ryu had come prepared. He dropped a smoke bomb and that caused the Good-bye Whirl to collapse. When the smoke cleared, Ranma was fine, sitting right on top of Ryu.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Ranma exclaimed and then scrambled off of Ryu

"Don't worry about it. I was just returning the favor you did for Scarlet," Ryu replied, right before getting nailed by Azusa.

"Hey! That's a cheap shot!" Ranma protested and then attacked Azusa. He jumped and tried to crash down upon her, but Azusa dodged and the whole rink cracked. While everyone was distracted, Ryu decided to employ some…underhanded…tactics of his own by sneaking behind Mikado and nailing him right where it counts. It was safe to say Mikado was done for the day and he was carted off by paramedics. Then to add insult to injury, Azusa got a liking for the blanket the paramedics gave Mikado and tried to take it. Mikado wanted it for himself, so Azusa knocked him out with a chunk of ice.

Since there were no substitutes for Mikado, that meant we automatically won! Then Ryoga charged out onto the ice to attack Ranma for some reason. So I went after him and tried to break up the fight. But in the process, I fell into the water.

When I came to, it was to Kasumi fussing over me. Nabiki then told me that Ranma and Ryu had gotten me out of the freezing cold water and had brought me home. Kasumi fed me hot chicken noodle soup and then I slipped back into sleep.

The next day was Sunday, so I was allowed to sleep in. Eventually I got out of bed and went downstairs.

"Akane!" Ranma exclaimed, "Are you OK?!"

"I'm fine Ranma. It'll take more than that to keep me down for long," I told him

"You shoulda told me you couldn't swim!" He nearly shouted

"I never thought about it. I'm sorry I worried you," I said

"Hey Scarlet, there's something I want to talk to you about," Ryu said suddenly and then grabbed Ryoga by his ear. I was confused, but let him lead the way back up to my room. As soon as the door was closed, Ryu leveled a bone chilling glare at Ryoga. "Tell her now or I will," He growled and then produced two thermoses.

"No! You can't make me!" Ryoga protested

"Shut up! You're just lucky I decided to let Akane dish out your punishment! You say you've seen Hell?! I would have thrown you in its fiery embrace!" Ryu shouted and I knew whatever Ryoga had done, it must have been serious. Ryu's threat seemed to have softened Ryoga's unwillingness to come clean, because he turned to me and got on his knees in begging.

"Please, have mercy! It's not my fault! It's Ranma's!" Ryoga cried

"LIAR! SPIT IT OUT ALREADY BEFORE I DO SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET!" Ryu bellowed and that totally cowed Ryoga. A trembling hand reached for one of the thermoses and he dumped it on himself. After the few moments delay, suddenly where Ryoga had been standing was P-chan.

My brain shut down from the shock and I fell onto my bed. Ryoga was P-chan? Suddenly every secret I had told P-chan and every time I had undressed in front of him popped into my head. I felt my face turning red in embarrassment. I then heard water and Ryoga returned to human form and I heard as he quickly got his clothes back on. Finally, my brain began to thaw out.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Ryoga?" I asked and surprisingly, I didn't feel the rage I usually would have. I guess the shock was to blame for that.

"This is all Ranma's fault! He's the one who got me cursed in the first place!" Ryoga shouted

"And you're the one who slept in Scarlet's bed!" Ryu shouted back, "That was _your_ choice!"

"Ranma forced me to do it!" Ryoga cried

"AND HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?!" Ryu yelled

"I had to protect Akane from that pervert!" Ryoga protested and Ryu was about to shout again, but I put a stop to it.

"That enough, both of you. Ryu, could you go get Ranma?" I asked and a few moments later, Ranma was in my room too.

"What's goin' on here?" He asked

"Ryoga got busted," Ryu replied

"Ranma, how long have you known about Ryoga's curse?" I asked

"Ever since he got here, but I swore I wouldn't tell nobody 'cause that's against the Warrior's Code. Of course, that was before he started sleeping in your bed," Ranma answered with a frown.

"While I understand why you didn't tell me, I wish you had. In any case, thank you for being honest," I said and then turned to Ryoga, "Ryoga, I don't know what I'm going to do about this. But right now, I want you to get lost for a while." I told him and to his credit he didn't protest, he just slinked away like a wounded animal. I then asked Ranma and Ryu to leave and once the door closed, I started crying.

**I think that's a fair place to stop. With the P-chan issue dealt with, how will things progress? Stay tuned to find out!**


	16. Shampoo's achy breaky heart

**I'M ALIVE! Mostly…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own zombies or Ranma ½.**

Akane's POV

"Alright! I've always wanted to eat one of these things!" Ranma exclaimed. We, meaning Ranma, Ryu, and I, were at a nearby café getting ice cream.

"Don't tell me you've never had ice cream?" I asked

"Guys would never eat this kind of stuff. It'd be embarrassing," Ranma remarked offhandedly. Of course, he was in his girl form.

"Although I already know which idiot put that idea in your head, being a little more guarded with your tongue would be nice," Ryu grumbled and Ranma had the decency to look embarrassed. He then promptly scarfed down his ice cream like a wild animal.

"If you're going to pretend you're not a guy to eat ice cream, you could at least have the decency to eat it like a normal girl," I remarked

"Leave me alone," Ranma muttered and then something on the TV caught his attention. "Hey, I've been there!" Ryu and I looked and saw that there was an 'Amazon' village in China that was being filmed. Then suddenly a portion of the wall was knocked down and there stood a girl with purple hair.

"Sh-Sh-Shampoo!" Ranma stuttered

"You know that girl?" I asked him and the girl looked at Ranma and then pointed one of her weapons at him and said

"Ranma die."

"Yo, Shampoo, when did you get-" But he was cut off by the girl named Shampoo trying to crush him by her mace things. "Why can't you get over it and leave me alone already!" With that, Ranma threw some wall hangings at Shampoo and he bolted.

"Ranma?" Shampoo wondered, I pointed her at the hole she had made in the wall, and she dashed off. I then gave Ranma the all clear.

"Did you have a fight with her or something?" I asked

"It's kinda hard to explain," Ranma groaned

"Well we have nothing but time, at least until that Shampoo girl shows up again, so you can explain," Ryu deadpanned

"Awfully cute, wasn't she?" I joked

"Yeah right!" Ranma exclaimed and then the café owner started yelling about the damages. We decided it would be a good time to leave. On the way home, Ranma grabbed some hot water, changed back to a guy, and told us the story of what had happened.

Apparently, just as Ranma and Mr. Saotome were freshly cursed, they wandered into a village of Amazon warriors. While there, the Amazons were having a tournament of some kind. Ranma then told us that he and Mr. Saotome accidentally ate the prize food and to make up for it, he had to fight Shampoo, who had won the tournament. He won with only a single kick. Then Shampoo gave him something called 'The Kiss of Death'. Ranma told us it was a kind of promise to hunt him down and kill him and she had done just that throughout all of China.

"And now she's found you in Japan. It's your own fault you know," I remarked, "At least the girl trying to kill you is cute."

"Oh yeah, that'll do me a world of good when I'm dead. I'm sure Pops will find great comfort in the fact I was killed by a cute girl," Ranma replied sarcastically

"I don't think he'd care one way or the other," Ryu quipped as we entered my house.

"If you two are trying to make me feel better, you're gonna have ta-" Ranma suddenly shut up and it didn't take me long to see why. Shampoo was sitting in the living room while sipping tea. Mr. Saotome in panda form was trying, and failing miserably, to hide under the table.

"Hello, Ranma, Ryu, Mr. Saotome brought over a friend," Kasumi said and then Shampoo began to scrutinize Ranma. She quickly discovered that he was a guy, for the moment anyway, and wrote off the same name as a coincidence. Then Shampoo attacked Ryu and I.

"Ranma, where is she?" Shampoo asked

"I haven't the slightest clue," Ryu answered

"I don't know," I told her

"You hide Ranma. You two must DIE!" Shampoo then swung her weapon and we dodged out of the way, but she tore a hole through the sliding paper door.

"DO YOU MIND?! I'D LIKE TO SEE MY NEXT BIRTHDAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Ryu roared

"OK, you've done enough damage!" Ranma shouted and with a snap kick, broke one of her maces. It then landed on her head and knocked her out.

"Looks like you're in trouble again. You just defeated her in your male form," Ryu pointed out

"Now she'll be after both my guy and girl sides!" Ranma cried and then Shampoo came to. Ranma was too shell-shocked to run and then…Shampoo hugged him?

"Wo ai ni." Shampoo said

"It's you I love?" Kasumi translated. I didn't know she knew Chinese. Then Shampoo kissed Ranma on the lips. Ranma totally froze up and my temper got the best of me, so I threw one of Shampoo's maces at him to…help.

"Was that really necessary?" Ryu asked me and I just shrugged. Shampoo then glared at me and I glared right back until I got tired of it and stormed off.

Ryu's POV

"What's all this ruckus?" Mr. Tendo and Kasumi tried to explain what was going on, but she failed miserably. Unfortunately, for Ranma, Mr. Tendo didn't notice this and Shampoo snuggling up against Ranma wasn't helping his case along. Only Ranma could get into a mess like this.

Then Scarlet stomped back into the room and the flash in her eyes were a clear danger sign. I also notice the second Scarlet entered the room again; Shampoo threw herself over Ranma possessively. I was prepared for a major blow up and I didn't have any ideas on how to defuse the situation. Which was why I was very surprised when Scarlet asked to see me in the dojo. Alone.

"Can't I at least bring someone along as a witness?!" I shouted

"NO!" Scarlet barked

"Goodbye, cruel world, parting is such sweet-"

"NOW RYU!"

"Yes ma'am."

Ranma's POV

As I watched my only hope get dragged off by Akane, I could only hope my own death would be swift and painless. But before Mr. Tendo could kill me, Shampoo held up a book and gave it to him. Unfortunately, it was written in Chinese so he tossed the book aside.

"The laws of the Amazon Tribe are as follows," Looks like Nabiki's back, "In the event an Amazon is defeated by an outsider and that outsider is a woman, the Amazon must kill her. However, if the outsider is a man, the Amazon must make him her husband." Nabiki translated, or she read the Japanese translation in the book itself.

Somehow, I ended up with the job of explaining to Shampoo that she couldn't just waltz in and try and marry me like it was nothin' because of some rules from back in her home village. Unfortunately, everything I said seemed to go in one ear and out the other. Maybe Ryu would have some ideas. So I escaped Shampoo and went over to the dojo.

"Hey Ryu, you still alive?" I asked

"I don't know. Ask me in the morning," Ryu groaned

"Is Akane still mad at me?" I asked

"Not really. She's more pissed that Shampoo was hanging all over you," Ryu explained and then I told him what we had found out.

"So do you have any ideas?" I asked hopefully

"I do have one idea. It'll mean making Shampoo really upset, but at least she'll go back to only wanting to kill you," He answered

"How do you plan on doing that?" I asked

"Elementary, my dear Watson. We simply convince Shampoo that you really are a girl," Ryu explained like it was the simplest thing in the world.

"How are we gonna do that?"

"It'll require some misdirection, a few smoke bombs, and Dr. Tofu's help. Now here's the plan…"

That night I was on the roof, hoping that Ryu's plan would get me killed. Finally, I worked up the nerve and splashed myself with water. I then hopped down and went searching for Shampoo. It didn't take long and before I knew it, I was running for my life. I spent most of the night that way, but it was all part of the plan. Shampoo had to believe I was well acquainted with moving fast while I was a girl if the plan was going to work.

The next morning, I had the misfortune of being found in bed with Shampoo as a guy by Akane. She must have snuck in during the few hours I got of sleep. But Akane didn't bother to ask me about; instead, she splashed me with cold water and nearly blew the plan. Thankfully, Shampoo was too sleepy to notice the cold water. I managed to duck into the bathroom and change back, but then Shampoo found me and tackled me. If she doesn't wanna kill me, she wants ta kiss me! I can't wait until we help her make up her mind.

Eventually, I was able to escape to school, but Akane was giving me the cold shoulder. I decided not to press it until I had Ryu for backup. But since we were late, I didn't get a chance to talk to him until lunch and then weird things started happening. Like Shampoo breaking down another wall.

"Boy-type Ranma, hello!" Shampoo exclaimed

"Hey Shampoo, next time could you use the door?" I asked and she nodded before placing a silver platter in front of me.

"Dutiful wife make husband delicious lunch: canton style pork with hibiscus!" Shampoo declared and then lifted the lid. We all looked at the 'pork' part of the meal for a moment before Akane, Ryu, and I all burst out laughing.

"Poetic justice is served!" Ryu crowed. Somehow, Ryoga had managed to get himself cooked up in Shampoo's meal. He wasn't dead, but he was in a world of hurt. Ryoga then woke up and decided the best thing to do would be to try and bite me. But he didn't get the chance as Akane got out her mallet and smacked him to who knows where.

"What so funny?" Shampoo asked

"We might explain it one day," Akane answered and then Shampoo gave Akane the Kiss of Death!

"Obstacles are for killing!" Shampoo declared and then she grabbed Akane and bolted. She managed to lose me and Ryu after awhile, but we eventually found Akane. She wasn't dead, just knocked out. Eventually she woke up.

"You should be more careful!" I shouted

"Do I know you?" Akane asked and I thought I had heard her wrong, but then she asked again.

"Scarlet, do you remember who I am?" Ryu asked worriedly

"Of course Ryu! Why wouldn't I?" Akane asked

"Do you know who he is?" Ryu asked, pointing to me

"No. Should I?"

"Well that's just wonderful. Selective amnesia," Ryu sighed

"But why me?" I wondered

"I don't know, but something tells me Shampoo is behind this," Ryu said and we decided to take her to Dr. Tofu as soon as school was over. When he got a look at her, he told us that Shampoo had used something called the Xi Fa Xiang Gao Shiatsu attack. Then Pop came in while in panda form and tried to tell us what he had seen. But his hands were full so he couldn't use his signs. So I just used hot water on him. He told us Shampoo had used the attack in five seconds flat. Dr. Tofu then explained that the Xi Fa Xiang Gao selectively erases memories.

"If you can get your hands on the herb extracts that were used, we might be able to reverse the process," Dr. Tofu suggested, so I grabbed Akane and took off to find Shampoo.

Ryu's POV

Why Ranma had felt the need to snatch up Scarlet was beyond me. But not three minutes after he left, Shampoo came marching into the clinic. Dr. Tofu explained that she was going to be staying at the clinic for awhile. This would complicate the plan, but I could work around it. Mr. Saotome bolted and Shampoo left too. So I decided to follow Shampoo on the assumption that she would eventually go to Ranma. I was right and Ranma wasted no time in interrogating Shampoo.

"Where's the stuff you use on Akane?!" He shouted, but Scarlet distracted him by asking if he was a cheer or a movie remake. Then Shampoo tried to use the Xi Fa Xiang Gao again, but Ranma thwarted her. He even managed to snatch a bottle of extract. Ranma then tried to use it on Scarlet, but it didn't work. But he did manage to get rid of Shampoo.

With Shampoo out of the way, we called Dr. Tofu over to examine the extract. When he got there, he explained that the extracts Ranma had grabbed were the wrong ones. We had a bottle marked 110. To get Scarlet's memories of Ranma back, we needed a bottle marked 119. Thankfully, Dr. Tofu had the list of ingredients. Unfortunately, Kasumi walked in and Dr. Tofu shredded them before we could stop him.

"Thanks for nothin'," Ranma grumbled and now we had to go hunt down Shampoo. So we went looking for her; but we didn't look long. She was dangling the formula 119 right in front of our faces.

"Ranma, why you so nice to Akane?" Shampoo asked

"Well let's just say nobody likes to be forgotten about, OK?" He replied and she turned and ran. So we went after her. Sometimes I wonder if hanging around Ranma is good for my life expectancy. I'll either die some stupid death in one of these fiascos, or get to a ripe old age because of how much exercise I get.

"Give us that shampoo!" I shouted and then Ranma managed to grab her leg and she dropped a bottle. We went to pick it up, but it turned out to be a decoy. She then dumped a bunch of decoys on us.

"Hand it over Shampoo!" Ranma demanded and then Shampoo realized she had dropped the real thing on us by mistake. But by the time we learned that, it was already back in her possession. Shampoo then opened the top of her blouse and stuffed the formula 119 down between her…parts.

"You want?" Shampoo asked in a suggestive voice

"You think you can stop us that easy?!" Ranma yelled

"She stopped me that easy," I muttered

"Well not me! I'm used to women's bodies, OK?!" Ranma shouted, but his beet red face gave him away. But Shampoo wasn't taking any chances and started screaming. And boy could she scream! So Ranma offered a trade. If Shampoo gave him the formula 119, he agreed to 'kill girl-type Ranma'. Ranma countered by saying 'half kill'. He was mincing words, but if we got the 119, then it didn't matter. Looks like we'll have to step up the modified plan.

The next day was Saturday and a real scorcher at that. That was exactly what my plan needed. So it was time to act. Ranma dumped himself with cold water and we went to find Shampoo. When we found her, she had the formula 119 in her hand and was scanning the area. It didn't take long for her to spot us.

"Girl type Ranma, I kill!" Shampoo exclaimed

"Wait Shampoo, we got something to show ya!" I shouted

"What?" She asked impatiently

"You know about Jusenkyo, right?" I questioned

"Yes," She answered curtly

"Well, it's easier to just show you," I said and then turned on a hose. The warm water in the heated hose turned Ranma back into a guy and then I turned the hose away so the water could start running cold.

"Aiya! Is boy type Ranma! But if Jusenkyo curse, that means…"

"That's right, Ranma is really a girl. If you don't believe me, feel the water from this hose. It's cold and that's what triggers the curse," I said

"It…it not true! Ranma arien!" Shampoo cried while dropping the formula 119 in shock.

"It's true…I'm really a girl," Ranma said

"I KILL!" Shampoo screeched and attacked furiously, but then she suddenly stopped. "I…kill…" She said again, but this time there were tears in her eyes and she then bolted.

"What…was that?" Ranma wondered

"I think…we actually broke her heart. I didn't think she had gotten so attached to you," I answered and suddenly I felt immensely guilty. But if nothing else, we had gotten the formula 119. We took it back to Scarlet and used it on her. It worked and she remembered everything and then we told her what had happened.

"You could probably catch up with her. I mean, she was awfully cute," Scarlet quipped

"Leave me alone. I don't feel like arguing with you right now," Ranma said and with that headed to his room.

"I think I'll be going too. I think we messed up." So I headed home and tried to forget the heaviness in my heart.

**And so, the complete opening Shampoo arc in one chapter. WHO IS AWESOME?!**


	17. Kitten of the sea

**OK, quick note, I'm not doing the take out race and I'm probably not going to do a majority of the anime only episodes. **

**Disclaimer: I own a fish…not Ranma ½.**

Ryu's POV

It had started out a normal day, but then Ranma discovered Gosunkugi taking pictures of Scarlet during gym class. Ranma thwarted the wannabe voodoo master, but then he grabbed a bit of Ranma's hair to try and make a voodoo doll. Of course he failed miserably and we all went about with our day.

After school, Ranma asked about Gosunkugi and Scarlet and I told him that Gosunkugi was more or less harmless asides from his taking picture of Scarlet constantly. Then Kuno came charging up and tried to challenge Ranma, but he beat Kuno easily.

When we made it to the Tendo house, Kasumi told Ranma that there was a package for him. It was from Shampoo.

"Come to think of it, it has been awfully quiet around here," Mr. Tendo remarked

"Aside from people showing up trying to claim me because Pop used me to fill his fat stomach," Ranma grumbled and then the package suddenly began to move and out of the box popped a cat with pinkish-purple fur and it landed right on Ranma. "AHHHHHHH!"

Ranma's Dad then told us Ranma was afraid of cats and why.

"YOU TAUGHT YOUR OWN SON THE CAT FIST?!" I shouted in surprise and disgust.

"What do you know of the Cat Fist? Genma asked

"Ah…read about it in a book," I answered and then told the others the horrors of the Cat Fist training. Genma told us that he had done it when Ranma was 8 years old. Ranma had been deathly afraid of cats ever since. The old man then gave Mr. Tendo the training manual and it said the Cat Fist had been banned for causing extreme psychological damage.

Akane's POV

I can't believe anyone would do something so heartless to his or her own kid! But there was something else bothering me. Ryu seemed awfully familiar with this 'Cat Fist', even if he had read about it in a book. I took the training manual from my Dad and read it while Ranma was trying to attack his Dad and he was defending himself with that cat Shampoo sent. The more I read the more suspicious I became. Ryu was hiding something and I planned to find out what it was.

"Maybe if Ranma got used to cats, he wouldn't be afraid of them anymore." I looked up from my reading just in time to see Kasumi herd almost all the neighborhood strays into our house. Ranma then totally lost it and ran from the house in abject terror. It took almost an hour to get all the cats out of the house and Ranma back in. By that time, I had mostly forgotten about Ryu's connection to the Cat Fist.

The next day at school, Ranma suddenly shivered and told me he had felt a sudden chill. Then he found a note in his locker that said I was in trouble and being held hostage in the gym. When we got to the gym, we found Gosunkugi dressed up in a girl's uniform claiming to be me.

"I think it's safe to upgrade Gosunkugi from 'weird' to 'mentally disturbed'," Ryu remarked while he shuttered at the sight. We climbed up onto the stage and then a very small man popped out from hiding.

"Who the heck are you?" Ranma asked

"I am the servant of the great and noble house of Kuno Sasuke Sarugakure and you have fallen into our trap!" He exclaimed and then pulled a rope and I fell into a trap door.

"You idiot! You pulled the wrong one!" Gosunkugi shouted

"Well nobody's perfect," Sasuke protested

"Hey Akane, you OK?" Ranma asked

"I'm fine," I answered

"Do you two mind telling us what's going on here?" Ryu asked

"We have discovered your weakness Ranma! Now we shall destroy you!" Gosunkugi exclaimed

"You mean the Cat Fist?" Ryu asked

"Yes!" Sasuke answered

"I'm only going to tell you two idiots this one time, don't screw around with the Cat Fist unless you want to die. Understood?" Ryu told them

"We will not listen to your feeble attempts to dissuade us! We will destroy the wicked Saotome!" Gosunkugi shouted and then pulled a second rope, this time a heavy statue came crashing down, and hit Sasuke and Gosunkugi and Ranma came after them.

"It's all over for us, but we want you to have this," Sasuke spluttered and handed Ranma some fish sausages. Then we began to hear purring. We turned around and saw dozens of glowing eyes peering at us from the darkness. We were surrounded by cats! Ranma managed to keep his cool for a while, but when he started giggling like a maniac, I knew he wouldn't last much longer. So I tried to drag him out, only to run into a huge tiger…WHERE DID THEY GET A TIGER?!

"Did I just hear a freaking _tiger_?!" Ryu shouted down

"Yes!" I replied

"IDIOTS! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU TWO, I'M GONNA RIP YOU TO SHREDS!" Ryu yelled at Gosunkugi and Sasuke. Then Ranma started yowling. He got down on all fours and started yowling like a cat, just as the manual said!

"Ryu, I think the Cat Fist has started!" I told him

"Then run! Things are about to get messy!" Ryu shouted, but then Ranma attacked. Everything went wild and the next thing I knew, I was back in the gym while it was raining cats. Then Ranma appeared and went to attack Kuno, but Sasuke distracted him with some fish sausages. Unfortunately, Ranma then left the gym.

"We've gotta go after him!" I exclaimed and both Ryu and I chased after Ranma. Thankfully, he didn't go very far and we found him up a tree while grooming himself. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know about you, but as soon as this is over, I'm introducing Gosunkugi to a few new moves I've been working on," Ryu muttered darkly and then Mr. Saotome and my Dad showed up. We then noticed Ranma started to use the tree like a scratching post.

"Only one person could bring Ranma back from over the edge, unfortunately, she's dead," Mr. Saotome told us

"How is that supposed to help us?" Ryu asked and then we saw Mr. Saotome dressed up like an old woman. Ranma saw through the disguise and completely destroyed his Dad. Even after that, Ranma seemed furious. I guess his cat side knows how much Mr. Saotome abuses Ranma. Then we noticed that Mr. Saotome had brought along some catnip. We tried throwing some at him, but he then jumped at us. I flinched, but then noticed that Ranma wasn't attacking me; he was sitting in my lap and purring!

"I guess he feels safe with you," Ryu remarked and then Ranma began nuzzling Ryu's hand, just like a real cat. Ryu took the hint and began to pet Ranma. We remained like that for a minute or two and then Ranma…'kissed' me. I knew it was the cat and not really Ranma, but I was so shocked and embarrassed that I threw him into the pool.

"Was that absolutely necessary?" My Dad asked as Ryu went to fish Ranma out of the pool, but I didn't answer. On the bright side, Ranma didn't remember a thing and the dip in the pool brought him back to normal…or as normal as Ranma ever is.

Later that day, I remembered my suspicions.

"So Ryu, when did you get the Cat Fist training?" I asked

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Ryu asked

"Don't play dumb with me, I saw how Ranma acted completely like a cat and that reminded me of ever time I've ever seen you asleep. Confess!" I told him

"That's silly…I didn't go crazy when I saw those cats!" Ryu protested

"So? Everything else matches up, or do you have another explanation for why you were purring in English two weeks ago?" I asked

"I dream about being a cat a lot?" We both knew that was an extremely flimsy excuse.

"Ryu…"I growled

"Ok! I'll talk! My parents found a modified Cat Fist training guide when I was two and used it on me. Instead of dropping me repeatedly into a pit of starving cats while wrapped in fish sausages, I was kept in a pit full of cats for a full year. As you can imagine, that left something of an impression on my developing psyche. So now, whenever I let my guard down, like when I'm sleeping, I act like a cat." Ryu explained

"But why? Why did they do that to you?" I asked

"Because they felt they could restore their honor by teaching me such a powerful technique," Ryu said softly and I almost didn't hear him.

"Restore their honor? But why would-"

"I can't tell you. Maybe someday I'll work up the never to tell you, but right now, I can't." With that, Ryu ran off, leaving me with a bunch of questions with no answers.

**Thus, we get our first glimpse of Ryu's early childhood. Why did Ryu's parents feel the need to restore their honor? You'll find out eventually…**


	18. The Cat's Meow: Alliance against Cologne

**I've been waiting for this chapter…**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! If you sue me, you might get a few pennies…**

Ryu's POV

It had been about a week since the Cat Fist fiasco and Ryoga had somehow discovered that Ranma had 'kissed' Scarlet. Of course, he couldn't let this 'affront' stand and was currently attacking Ranma. The battle didn't last long, however, as Ryoga managed to get himself wet and changed into a pig.

"Yeesh, when is everyone going to calm down about this kissing stuff? I don't even remember it!" Ranma grumbled and then we were ambushed by Sasuke wearing a cat mask. Ranma nearly had a heart attack and as soon as the hoax was discovered, pummeled the pint-sized ninja. Then Kuno showed up wanting a piece of Ranma. He still hadn't gotten over the kiss.

"Saotome you cretin!" Gosunkugi then turned up and tried to use his voodoo on Ranma, only to fail once again. Kuno resumed chasing after Ranma and then pig-Ryoga returned. So I decided to take out Kuno while Ranma punted Ryoga.

"Just a minute of relaxation, is that too much to ask?!" Ranma cried and then got splashed. I guess it was too much to ask. I just hope Kodachi doesn't show up to complete the onslaught.

"Oh, my darling Ryu!" That's my cue to RUN!

Ranma's POV

Well at least Kodachi wasn't chasin' after me. That woulda been one thing too many. So I decided to head home and take a bath to change back.

"Meow." I turned around and sure enough, there was that stupid cat Shampoo sent me. The cat then pounced me and I fell back into the tub. Then the cat turned into Shampoo…great another Jusenkyo curse and Ryu's plan to keep Shampoo away just bit the dust.

"So, you real man! Shampoo is so happy!" Then Shampoo glomped me just as Akane walked in. I expected to be killed on the spot, but Akane just walked away. I managed to escape Shampoo's clutches and after getting dressed, ran to Ryu's house.

"Ranma? You don't you know what time it is?" Ryu asked around several yawns.

"Never mind that! Shampoo's back and she knows I'm a guy now!" I shouted

"What? What happened?" Ryu questioned and I told him, "I'm surprised Scarlet didn't try and kill you."

"I know, but what am I gonna do? I was caught in a very compromising situation and you know how Akane is!" I shouted in panic

"It'd probably be best for you to camp out here for tonight so Scarlet doesn't try and kill you in the middle of the night while your defenses are down. Tomorrow, I'll come with you to see what can be done," Ryu said and after dragging out a sleeping bag for me, we both went to sleep.

The next day, we were heading to the Tendo house when we were ambushed by what appeared to be a shriveled up old lady, but boy was she fast. After a quick exchange, she called me 'son-in-law', told me she'd see me again, and left.

"Well that was weird," Ryu remarked

"Yeah, usually they stay until after I've gotten a good beating," I agreed and we continued uninterrupted to the Tendo house. We found Akane immediately and she splashed me with water and then punted me. When I got back, I discovered Shampoo serving everyone ramen and then told us she and her great grandmother had left China and moved here to Japan and opened a ramen restaurant.

"And thus, my great plan is for naught," Ryu lamented and then suddenly the Old Hag that had attacked earlier appeared.

"So, you're the one who managed to put one over on my great granddaughter. I must say, it was a very nice plan," The Old Hag commented

"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for some people's inability to take 'no' for an answer," Ryu sighed and then Shampoo introduced her great grandmother to us.

"So, son-in-law, why are you so stubborn about the whole marriage?" The Old Ghoul asked and then she and Mr. Tendo got into a stare down. She won.

"My, your Japanese is so good," Kasumi remarked

"I haven't lived three hundred years for nothing," The Old Hag remarked

"Really? And I wouldn't have guessed a day over two hundred," Nabiki quipped sarcastically and the Ghoul let out a cackle.

"That's nice and all, but I'm not marrying Shampoo!" I protested and then Shampoo dragged me to the bathroom. She then took off her clothes and turned into a cat. She changed back and told me how she had gotten cursed.

"Is your fault," Shampoo said

"How is it my fault?!" I protested and then I got whacked by the Old Ghoul

"I hold you responsible for this," She said

"I've had enough of your loony talk!" I shouted and tried to hit the Old Ghoul, but she was too fast. That didn't stop me from trying though. I chased her all over town but then she made copies of herself. But this didn't last long as Ryu managed to sniff out the real thing and she fled.

Eventually I found her and she didn't even hear me sneak up on her.

"My great grandchild knew what she was doing when she picked you to be her groom," She remarked

"I ain't marrying anybody!" I protested and then she poked me in the chest with her walking stick.

"In two or three days, you'll be begging to become Shampoo's groom!" She cackled and then bounced away.

When I got home, I went to take a bath, but for some reason all the water was boiling hot; even the water that was supposed to be cold! Then the old Ghoul showed up and told me that she had pressed something called the Cat's Tongue pressure point. Now I couldn't change back into a guy without killing myself! She then told me that the only way I would be able to change back was to agree to marry Shampoo.

One Week Later

Ryu's POV

Ranma had been a girl for a week straight and while she was putting on a brave face, Scarlet and I could tell he was one step away from completely snapping. It wasn't helping matters that he was forced to go to school and the administration wasn't exactly helpful.

"So what am I gonna do?! I can't go in the guy's locker room looking like this!" Ranma shouted

"You're not coming in our locker room!" Sayuri said quickly

"The way I see it, there are only two options. The first is for Ranma to wash in the guy's locker room after everyone has left," I said

"That wouldn't work, they'd either sneak back in or just say in there so long that Ranma wouldn't have a choice," Akane remarked

"Even under threat of death," Yuka agreed

"Or Ranma could wash up after all the girls have left that locker room," I suggested

"I don't know…" Akane said

"It's for a good cause, and since you'd all be gone anyway, it wouldn't matter if it was the alien's locker room," I added

"We'll discuss this and get back to you," Sayuri informed us and they walked off.

"I'm supposed to be a guy, not roaming around the girl's locker room," Ranma grumbled

"Well look on the bright side, now's an excellent time to train with your girl side," I remarked and Ranma just glared at me.

Two Weeks Later

Scarlet and I were at our wits ends trying to keep Ranma from snapping. We had barely avoided a breakdown three days ago when some drunken idiot had tried to rape him. His Dad wasn't helping either, going on and on about how his son was 'a weak little girl'.

At the moment, we had been drinking tea while coming up with our next move when suddenly we heard a scream. It was Ranma, who was relieving himself. Naturally, we rushed to see what the matter was,

"Ranma, what's wrong?!" Scarlet shouted

"I'm dying! There's blood everywhere!" Ranma cried hysterically

"Where are you bleeding?!" I asked

"Down _there_!" Ranma yelled and after thinking about it a few moments, Scarlet and I realized what was going on and both face palmed.

"There is no way I am explaining it to him! It was bad enough in Health when they showed us!" I declared

"You're not weaseling out of this! We both agreed to help Ranma and he needs it now more than ever!" Scarlet exclaimed

"Fine, but I don't have to like it!"

"Ranma? Ranma, please calm down, you're not dying!" Scarlet informed the hysterical boy-turned-girl.

"I'm-I'm not?" Ranma asked

"No, you're not," I assured him

"Then what's going on?" Ranma asked

"It's called a period and it happens to all healthy young girls," Scarlet said and I face palmed again.

"I'M NOT A GIRL! I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT!" Ranma screamed and I felt it was a good thing everyone else was out of the house. Talking through the door wouldn't help anymore, so Scarlet went in and I just sat out in the hall. A minute later, Ranma walked out, but he was different. He was usually so active and his energy reflected in his eyes, but now he seemed almost cationic and his eyes were glassy. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him it would be fine, but I didn't know how to say it without setting him off again.

"Ranma and I are going to go for a walk," Scarlet said and they left. I decided it would probably be for the best if I didn't follow.

"I have to admit, I didn't thing son-in-law would last this long." I whirled around and spotted Shampoo's great grandmother.

"This is all your doing," I growled

"Son-in-law could change back at any time, when he agrees to marry Shampoo," The Old Hag replied

"Damn you! Ranma is my friend and I swear I will make you suffer a thousand times over for what you're doing to him!" I shouted

"You're a hundred years too young to fight me," She cackled

"We'll just see about that. When the time is right, you'll wish you had never even touched Ranma," I snarled and the Ghoul just shrugged and left. How could things have spiraled so far out of control?

Akane's POV

I hate to admit it, but I was scared. Ranma had barely said a word since we left the house and every so often I would see another tear rolling down his face. Ranma had always been so tough and now here he was, almost completely destroyed. I felt nothing but hatred for the one who did this to him.

"Akane?" I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I was startled by Ranma's voice, but quickly got over it.

"Yes?"

"Would you…hate me if I could never change back?" He sounded so vulnerable that I wanted to kill that old witch.

"Why would I hate you? It's not your fault you can't change back." I told him

"But everything's my fault, Pops said so." Ranma said before a new wave of tears started, "He said I was just a weak little girl and if I couldn't change back then…I deserve to be a girl!" Now Ranma was out and out bawling and I couldn't stand to see him so upset.

"Your Dad doesn't know anything! No matter what form you're in, you're still Ranma Saotome, the greatest martial artist and most macho guy around!" I declared and that got Ranma to calm down a little

"But what if I never change back…what if I'm a girl forever?" Ranma said it so quietly, as if saying it too loud would make it come to pass.

"Forget your Dad, no matter what happens, Ryu and I will always be your friends." I promised

"Do ya mean it?" Ranma asked

"Yes. We wouldn't care if you turned into a youma forever, we'd still be your friends. That's what friends do, even if friends fight. I admit that I haven't been the best friend to you and I'm sorry. I let this engagement crap our fathers are trying to pull get in the way. Well that stops right now! From now on I promise to listen to you first and do my best to be a better friend!" I swore

"Thank you…I don't know what I woulda done without you two!" Then Ranma finally stopped holding it in and let it all out.

"I needed that." Ranma said about fifteen minutes later. His eyes were red and puffy, but it was a definite improvement from glassy and distant.

"Let's head home. Ryu's probably climbing up the wall worrying about you." I remarked

"It's weird, thinking that someone's actually worried about me." Ranma commented

"Well you might as well get used to it, what with all the crazy stunts you pull." I teased and then we spotted Kuno running up with two bouquets of roses. "Do you wanna take him, or should I?"

"I feel like a quick work out." Ranma said and dealt with Kuno. After that, we made it home uninterrupted.

"Is everything OK now?" Ryu asked

"I think so. I decided I was bein' stupid about the whole thing. We'll pry the cure out of the Old Ghoul one way or another and until then it isn't worth worryin' about me being a guy or girl," Ranma answered

"Oh my son, how you disgrace your father by-" He was suddenly interrupted as the three of us belted him into the koi pond.

"Shut up Pop! I'm sick an' tired of you and your going on and on about my manliness! If I wanted your opinion, I'd have asked for it! From now on, I don't care what you say, I have my friends who really care about me and that's all I need!" Ranma shouted at his Dad and he brought up a sign that said

[Oh how you break your father's heart!]

"I assure you, the world's smallest violins are playing 'my heart bleeds for you'," Ryu quipped

[Insolent pup, I'll teach you!] With that, Mr. Saotome attacked, but didn't last long as we sent him into LEO or Lower Earth Orbit. After that was done, Ranma's stomach growled.

"All in favor of getting ice cream?" I asked and we were all in favor. Unfortunately, we never did get that ice cream. We got sidetracked by Shampoo, who said she had something important to tell us.

"OK, what is it?" Ranma asked

"Very happy news!" Shampoo chirped

"Happy for who?" I asked

"Ranma, Shampoo discover cure for full body cat tongue you have!" Shampoo told us

"Really? What is it?" Ranma questioned

"It is called the phoenix pill." Shampoo informed us

"Phoenix pill?" Ranma asked

"Like the bird that's reborn in flames," I remarked

"Champion of heat resistance," Shampoo confirmed and then she told us that her great grandmother had it and then left.

"Doesn't this seem just a little bit suspicious?" I asked

"Like what?" Ranma wondered

"What Shampoo said at the end, 'champion of heat resistance'. It sounded like she was trained to say that line exactly. Her Japanese just isn't good enough for a phrase like that," Ryu explained

"And that means the Old Ghoul sent her!" Ranma surmised

"And that means we should approach this with extreme caution," I said and we headed for the restaurant Shampoo had told us about, the Cat Café. I guess the Old Hag thought she was being cute when she named the place after Ranma's biggest fear. We found the Old Hag and she had the nerve to wear the phoenix pill around her neck. That ticked Ranma off and he attacked, but the Old Hag beat him time and again, even when Ryu and I tried to help. We got thrown out four times before Ranma spotted something.

"Staff wanted?" He read and then a sneaky grin came to his face. "Yo, Old Ghoul, can anyone apply for this job or what?" He asked

"Consider yourselves hired," The Old Bat replied and then cackled. If absolutely nothing else, we'd get paid to get our butts kicked every day.

Two Weeks Later

So far, we had yet to get the phoenix pill from the Old Hag, despite a few close calls. But she was on to us and was doing her best to run us into the ground. Thankfully, we had each other for moral support, but the longer this went on, the more of an uphill battle it became. On the plus side, we were all becoming better martial artist because of how hard the Old Bat was pushing us. Then one day things changed.

"Hey part timers, follow me!" The Old Hag then led us out back and started a fire.

"Let me guess, we're gonna roast marshmallows?" Ranma asked sarcastically

"Something else; Shampoo, give those to me," The Old Hag told us and then dropped some chestnuts into the fire. We then watched as she plucked them all back out of the fire.

"Legendary technique, Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!" Shampoo told us

"If you three can master this, then taking the phoenix pill from me will be child's play," The Old Had said and then bounced off on her stick and Shampoo followed.

"Well, this shouldn't be too hard. I've been doing similar speed training for awhile now…only this Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken is faster," Ryu remarked

"Then we can use your training as a base line and work our way up," Ranma suggested and so we headed home to get to work.

One Week Later

"Foolish boy, how do you expect to carry on the Saotome School of Anything Goes if you can't pluck a few measly chestnuts out of an open fire?!" Mr. Saotome shouted so Ranma motioned for him to give it a try. Mr. Saotome tried to pull the chestnuts out of the fire, but failed and Ranma had to kick him into the koi pond to put out his Dad's gi.

"Part timers!" As if to make our day complete, the Old Bat had shown up to test us. "Lookie Lookie! Here's the phoenix pill that will turn son-in-law back into a man!" She cackled while dangling the phoenix pill in front of us. We attacked, but still couldn't get the pill and to add insult to injury, she stamped our hands and arms with the word 'reject'.

"You've gotten faster, but you're still too slow!" She told us and then showed us the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken again. After that was done, she left.

"Curse you Old Ghoul!" Ryu shouted after her, but she either didn't hear or didn't care. It didn't help that Ranma couldn't train with the fire because of the full body cat tongue. So Dad suggested we all go to the fair for some R&R. We'd been so busy for the past couple of weeks that maybe all we needed was a chance to rest and we'd be able to master the Amaguriken. It sounded like a long shot, but we were up against a wall.

That night, we headed to the fair. At first, we were all tense, but as the night wore on, we began to have fun with the games and food. Eventually, we came across one of those fish catching games with the paper nets. Just looking at the guy running the stand made me suspect he was a con artist and his rate of three hundred yen a go made me even more suspicious, but he said that if we could catch them all they would be free. Ranma elected to go first. Ryu and I watched as he managed to get all of the fish!

"What?! How did you-" The man started, but then Ranma put all the fish back

"Your turn Ryu!" Ranma exclaimed ecstatically and then he proceeded to copy Ranma's stunt and he then returned the fish to the tank and I gave it a shot. To my surprise, I was able to get all the fish too!

"Guys, I think we did it!" I exclaimed

"Not so fast you three!" Then the man pulled out a tank of piranha. "You three have to pull all the piranha out of the tank _with your bare hands_ or you gives back all the goldfish!"

"I think we can handle this challenge, what about you two?" Ranma asked

"Bring it on!" Ryu crowed

"I'm game!" I cried and then we all gathered around the tank and proceeded to snatch all the piranha out of the tank before they could bite us! We had mastered the Amaguriken! Somehow, my Dad had been right! All we needed was a little R&R!

"Come one guys, let's go find the Old Hag and give her what she deserves!" Ranma shouted and we began running to the Cat Café, but before we got there, we discovered Shampoo tending to a Haunted House.

"Nihao!" She greeted and then told us that her great grandmother was inside the Haunted House. Eventually, we tracked her down to a lake of boiling water.

"If you want the phoenix pill, you've got to cross this boiling lake!" She called out

"If that's the way you want it, you Old Hobgoblin!" Ranma shouted back and he grabbed a nearby pole and jumped out onto the water while Ryu dived in. I got in the water too, but I didn't want to boil myself alive. The water wasn't that deep, so we didn't have to worry about both swimming and attacking at the same time.

We attacked the Old Ghoul and she fought back, but in the end, Ranma managed to come away with the phoenix pill. He took it out of the container.

"Hey, it looks like candy," Ranma remarked and then jumped off the pole he was using to keep out of the water and popped the pill in his mouth.

"That's because it is candy," The Old Hag snickered

"AHHHHH!" Ranma screamed when he hit the water. Ryu and I quickly got him out of the water and I found a hose to quickly cool him off.

"I switched the phoenix pill tonight just in case. Looks like it was a good thing I did, but the three of you have mastered the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken, congratulations," The Old Bat told us, "I'm very impressed." With that, the Old Bat left and we decided to go home. The fair had been fun, but we were all exhausted.

**This is the first really major turning point from canon. I've always felt that the whole cat tongue experience was downplayed a great deal and so I decided to explore that time a little bit more and I feel the results are satisfactory. In addition, Akane learned the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken because of this and I feel like that's important and the newly cemented friendship between Ranma and Akane will continue to benefit them both.**


	19. Sea Side Scuffle

**Here's the next chapter with lots of vim and vigor.**

**Disclaimer: I don't know what possessed me to write that, but neither of us possess the rights to Ranma ½.**

Ryu's POV

It had been two days since we had been tricked by Cologne and we were currently at school during gym class. Then Shampoo and the Old Ghoul showed up and tried to convince Ranma to marry Shampoo again.

"I'd sooner die than marry Shampoo!" Ranma declared and then sent a stone roller at the Old Bat. Unfortunately, she got away and even worse, the stone roller was cut in half by what appeared to be a new pain in our butts.

"Shampoo!" He exclaimed and then glomped Ranma.

"Who are you calling Shampoo?!" Ranma shouted and then the guy put on his glasses.

"Who are you?!" He shouted and then kicked Ranma. It's official, this one's going to be a real pain. He then took his glasses off again and glomped Scarlet. All three of us then pounded on him.

"Just who do you think you are?!" Scarlet asked

"I am Mousse, the man who is to be Shampoo's groom," He replied

"What you talking about? We only friends from child times," Shampoo remarked

"Mousse, weren't you spurned by Shampoo once before?" The Old Ghoul had returned.

"But-But that was when we were only three!" Mousse protested

"Age makes no difference," The Old Hag replied, "It has been decided. This man is Shampoo's groom."

"Have you no ears?! Ranma is engaged to Akane!" I decided it was better not to ask why Mr. Tendo was here and just go with it.

"You have a fiancée, yet you…and Shampoo…" Mousse muttered

"Now listen-" Ranma began

"ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!" Mousse shouted and tried to attack Ranma, but he dodged Mousse's kick and perched himself on said appendage.

"If you'd just listen for a sec-" Ranma was cut off again by a punch that connected. Mousse called it the 'blow of the swan fist'. Then I noticed that it wasn't a punch.

"He's carrying a weapon!" Scarlet exclaimed and then Shampoo told us that Mousse was a master of hidden weapons. Then Mousse tried to attack again, but Ranma caught the weapon with his feet. It turned out to be a swan shaped training potty.

"OK, that does it!" Ranma growled

"I challenge you! If you lose-"

"You can't have Shampoo," The Old Hag quickly said

"Then I will take _your woman!_"

"No way! I'm not gonna let you use Akane like some kinda trophy! I've got way to much respect for her as a friend do to that!" Ranma protested and I couldn't help but reflect how much this cat tongue experience had matured him. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

"I wasn't asking you!" Mousse declared and then snagged Scarlet in a bunch of chains and hopped onto the fence with her. "You will fight me or you will never see her again!"

"I have half a mind to pound you now!" I barked at the kidnapping creep

"Ranma, you will face me after school today! And don't be late!" With that, Mousse bounded off before we could save Scarlet.

"May you live in interesting times indeed," Ranma grumbled

"Well, that was nice. Who wants to bet Scarlet's free by lunch time?" I asked

"I wouldn't put it past her. I hope she teaches that Mousse character a lesson," Ranma remarked and we got on with our day and sure enough, just as the lunch bell rang Scarlet was back among us.

"So, how was your time with the blind wonder?" I asked

"The idiot took of his glasses and I escaped with no problem. He didn't even check to make sure the chains were tight!" Scarlet exclaimed

"Sloppy work is what it is," Ranma commented

"So, how are we going to deal with him after school? I feel like going a few rounds with the new punching bag," Scarlet remarked

"He challenged me, so I'll take care of him. But I'll make sure to leave enough left over for you two," Ranma assured us and we agreed to let him handle it.

Akane's POV

After school, Mousse showed up and led us to the battle grounds…or maybe fair grounds would have been more accurate. Somehow, Cologne had managed to turn the whole place into a carnival with stands and everything. This reeked of one of her plots. Of course, everyone knew about the fight so everyone from school was there too.

"Guess we'd better get this over with," Ranma remarked and then jumped onto the stage that had been set up.

"Saotome, you enemy of women, prepare to lose!" Mousse declared

"Oh, I'm so scared of you and your magic tricks!" Ranma taunted

"Magic tricks?! Is that what you think of me?!" Mousse shouted

"Well sure, you just hide the junk up those sleeves of yours and then pull 'em out when you need 'em." Ranma replied

"Well then, I'll show you some 'magic tricks' you'll never forget!" Mousse then pulled out a live chicken and threw egg bombs at Ranma.

"Yawn! I don't care about your stupid tricks!" Ranma called out

"OK, I see what you want!" Mousse then shed his robe and lots of little knick knacks came with it. "We'll fight using our bodies alone!" With that, the battle resumed. It was a good thing that Ranma had gotten to used to his female body or he might not have remembered to compensate for the shorter reach of his girl type. But he did and the two combatants exchanged blows. Then an unlucky strike ripped Ranma's shirt…Ryu, like the proper gentleman he likes to think himself as, turned away. Unfortunately, for Ranma, the rest of the male crowd wasn't so…restrained. So I had to help Ranma beat the crowd back off the stage.

"TRY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER HAVE KIDS AGAIN!" Ranma roared and that seemed to get the perverts to lay off. Then Mousse attacked with spikes coming out from his shoes.

"What happened to 'bodies alone'?! I shouted at him

"Who do you think I am? I am Mousse, master of hidden weapons; my weapons…are my body!" With that, Mousse attacked with another weapon and ripped Ranma's shirt to shreds. Thankfully, I was quick enough to pull up Ranma's pants before they got too close a look.

"But Ranma, why do you want to fight as a woman?" Looks like Dr. Tofu has arrived

"Ask the Old Ghoul!" Ranma answered

"Whose an Old Ghoul?!" Cologne shouted back and then I told Dr. Tofu about the full body cat tongue.

"Full body cat tongue?! Why didn't you come to me before?" With that, Dr. Tofu walked up behind Ranma and hit a pressure point.

"What did you do?" Ryu asked

"I used the counter to the cat tongue, the 'Old Man Tokyo' pressure point." Dr. Tofu answered

"Those old guys sure do like their hot bathes," I remarked

"Does that mean we can use hot water on Ranma?" Ryu asked and Dr. Tofu nodded. So I grabbed a kettle and some hot water and took it to Ranma. Cologne tried to stop me, but Ryu played interference. Unfortunately, Mousse wasn't going to let his advantage slip away so easily. He destroyed the kettle of hot water, but he left himself open and Ranma managed to knock his glasses off. To counter, Mousse let loose a tear gas bomb. But during the confusion, I managed to get Ranma some hot water.

"Ranma, prepare to die! Behold, The Hawk's Talons!" Then Mousse came sweeping down like some oversized bird with claw like things sticking out of his shoes. Ranma quickly countered this threat and even returned Mousse's glasses. After that, he quickly dispatched Mousse.

"Impressive son-in-law," Cologne commented

"Hoped you enjoyed it ya Old Ghoul, cause now that I'm over your cat tongue, you can't do anything to-" That's when it started to rain and Ranma turned back into a girl. Then Dr. Tofu told us the Old Man Tokyo trick would only work once.

"What was that you were saying son-in-law?" The Old Hag asked

"Curses…well, it was nice while it lasted," Ranma sighed

"Don't worry, we'll conquer this eventually!" I exclaimed, but for now, we had to head home for dinner.

One Week Later

Ranma's POV

We had gone to confront the Old Bat again, but instead, we found a note on her door that said they were off to the beach. So naturally, we followed. Unfortunately, since I was still a girl, I had to go in a bathing suit and everything. I wasn't happy with it and Pops made sure to make it even worse.

"Lay off him you old coot! If I hear one more word about Ranma's manliness, I'll shut you up!" Ryu barked at him

"Insolent boy, mind your own business! As Ranma's father, I-" Pops didn't get much farther than that because both Ryu and I sent him into the ocean.

"If I had anything to say about it, you wouldn't be my father!" I shouted at him, even if he probably couldn't hear me. Then we spotted the Old Ghoul and chased after her.

"Give us the phoenix pill!" Ryu shouted

"Oh, never mind that, wouldn't you much rather compete in that?" We followed the Old Bat's finger and saw a 'martial arts melon splitting' banner.

"You have got to be kidding me," Ranma groaned

"But son-in-law, look at the prize!" We looked and saw Shampoo standing there holding the phoenix pill!

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in," Akane drawled

"You're gonna be sorry you messed with us, Old Ghoul. We're going to win this stupid race and get that phoenix pill!" I declared

"Ranma fight for me? I is so happy!" Shampoo cried and then glomped on me.

"Get off Shampoo! The only thing I want is the phoenix pill!" I shouted and eventually, she did get off.

"I have half a mind to stay here and show that Shampoo who's boss," Akane growled

"But if you did that, then we'd be down a fighter and a chance at the pill. And besides, who'd you rather get back at, Cologne or Shampoo?" Ryu asked and Akane chose Cologne. So we all lined up for the melon splitting race. The second the race started, Akane, Ryu, and I decimated the competition using our Amaguriken speed. Then we discovered the Old Ghoul was racing too. Then Pops and Mr. Tendo showed up and attacked.

"Ranma, how could you?! You're engaged to Akane!" Mr. Tendo cried, "How can you be trying to win Shampoo?!"

"Calm down Dad, we're only after the phoenix pill! Or would you rather Ranma stay a girl forever?" Akane asked bitingly and then took out our Dads.

"Only four contestants remain! The pig-tailed girl, the short haired girl, the young man, and the living mummy!" The announcer cried and then got whacked by the Old Ghoul. "The short haired girl has taken the lead!"

That's when Shampoo entered the fight.

"No one get by me but Ranma!" She declared, but Ryu snuck up from behind and took out her melon. We then rushed to the finish line, but then Pops and Mr. Tendo interfered again. They snatched up Akane and Shampoo and told me to kiss whichever one I really wanted.

"You idiots, I'm a girl right now! Ryu gets enough grief as it is and he isn't even gay! I don't want to inflict that same thing on anyone else!" I shouted and then we kicked them both into the ocean.

"I can't believe them! Like we were going to kiss just because of those two idiots!" Akane huffed

"Yeah! You two are just waiting until the time is right!" Ryu teased

"Exact- HEY!" Akane then hit Ryu in the head with her bokken. "Try something like that again and I won't go so easy!"

"I wouldn't imagine it," Ryu said serenely, but we all knew he would do it again sooner or later. Meanwhile, I could feel myself blushing. Would Akane really be OK if I…kissed her? These thoughts didn't last long, as suddenly the Old Ghoul appeared and tried to take out our melons.

"End of the line, part timers! The only way you're getting past me is if Ranma agrees to marry Shampoo!" She cackled

"We'll just see about that! Right guys?!" I shouted

"Right!" Both Akane and Ryu shouted and we attacked. Then, in a split second, all our melons shattered.

"What?! How did you destroy my melon?!" The Old Bat cried and then I managed to disarm her.

"What's the matter, old age finally catching up to you?" I taunted

"You haven't beaten me yet," The Old Ghoul croaked

"Is that so? OK, let's make a deal. If I beat you, you have to give me the pill," I told her

"Wait a second Ranma, this is too easy," Ryu remarked

"Yeah, after all the times we fought her, she's gone down way too easy," Akane agreed

"Maybe your right…OK Old Ghoul, new plan, give me the pill now!" I barked

"You'll have to beat me first!" With that, the Old Ghoul snatched her stick and sent the three of us flying. We landed in the water and she came after us. The Old Ghoul then created a water cyclone and began trying to choke me into submission. It's a good thing Ryu and Akane were there or I might have been in major trouble. We threw her out of the water spout, but she came right back…riding on a shark.

"You crazy Old Bat!" Ryu gurgled and then the water spout stopped and we fell right in front of the shark.

"SWIM FOR IT!" I heard someone shout

"Feh, I use this shark only as a foothold, behold, the Shark Fist!" The Old Ghoul shouted and then rammed us with high pressure water. We got tossed around pretty good, but we were still conscious. Unfortunately, Akane started sinking. We had been trying to teach her how to swim, but so far, she could only do so for a few minutes before sinking like a brick. I guess we would have to keep at it. Until then, Ryu and I carried her back to shore. We managed to make it, after being 'aided' by another Shark Fist attack.

"OK, NOW I'M REALLY TICKED OFF!" Ryu roared

"Wait! I have an idea!" I shouted and then splashed Shampoo. I hated to do this, but the Cat Fist was my ace in the hole.

"Alright Saotome; but two cats are better than one!" I was too scared to have any idea what he meant, but before I became a cat, I noticed he started acting cat-like too.

Akane's POV

Now both Ryu and Ranma were using the Cat Fist and Cologne was doomed. On a side note, Ryu's Cat Fist was different from Ranma's. Ryu still stood on two legs like a human being and seemed less…feral than Ranma did. If I had to guess, either it was because of the different ways the Cat Fist was taught or maybe Ryu had trained with his Cat fist, or maybe a combination of the two.

"That stance…but how?! How could you possibly know the Cat Fist?!" The Old Hag cried, and I noticed a note of terror had crept into her voice. Neither Ranma nor Ryu answered, but instead attacked. The Old Ghoul tried to defend herself with the Shark Fist, but Ranma took care of those with ease by cutting it to ribbons with some kind of energy claws. Ryu quickly followed up and…took care of the shark. Ranma continued to attack Cologne.

"Ranma, that's enough!" I called out and he simply jumped into my lap. I was worried about how we were going to get Ryu to turn back, but it turned out I didn't need to. As soon as the fight was done, he was able to snap himself out of it.

"How did you do that?!" Genma asked

"Unlike Ranma, my cat side is tamer and so I have a greater measure of control over it. Also, that part of my psyche and I have a…working relationship." Ryu then shrugged at that point. He obviously didn't care for the choice of words, but couldn't think of a better way to describe it. Then Cologne dragged herself to shore.

"To think, both of you knowing the Cat Fist…maybe fate has brought you together?" Cologne then cackled, "In any case, no one has given me such trouble in fifty years! I know I can't beat _two_ practitioners of the Cat Fist. I admit defeat." The Old Bat then threw me the phoenix pill and bounded away.

"I just hope that's the real phoenix pill and not another candy," Ryu grumbled

"Amen! I don't know what I'd do if this were another fake," I sighed

"Cry a little and then go into a bloodthirsty fit of rage?" Nabiki suggested

"Most likely," Ryu remarked and I couldn't help but cracking a smile.

Eventually, we managed to get Ranma out of the Cat Fist and give him the pill.

"Well…here goes nothing!" Ranma then tipped a kettle of hot water over his head and he changed back! It was the real pill!

"Thank goodness that's over!" I cried and then slumped down on a chair

"It's good to be a guy again," Ranma agreed

"I just hope the universe gives us the break we deserve," Ryu remarked

"What? With me around? I give it three days before someone comes busting down our doors again," Ranma quipped and we all couldn't help but laughing at that. Oh well, it was good to have things back to 'normal'.

**Thus ends the phoenix pill arc. I know in the manga the Dojo Destroy isn't until much later, but I have plans for the Instant powder…as such, Dojo Destroy is next chapter like in the anime.**


	20. Sunset social

**Hello ladies and gentlemen! Just a heads up, but later chapters of this fic will get…dark. Very dark.**

**Disclaimer: I own naught but this rose of life floating down the streams of Time.**

Ryu's POV

With the Cat Tongue fiasco behind us, Ranma, Scarlet, and I were all enjoying the lull. That's not to say that we were becoming lazy, however. In truth, we were all in the Tendo dojo in a three way sparing session. Of course, after getting cured, Ranma had decided to reevaluate his 'I don't hit girls' mantra. He was still pulling his punches as far as Scarlet was concerned, but it was better than what had gone before that had antagonized Scarlet to no end. However, we should have known that lull wouldn't last.

Akane's POV

I had just gotten back from my morning jog when I noticed our dojo sign had vanished! I rushed into the house to find my Dad and Mr. Saotome beaten up. Dad then told me that the dojo destroyer who had taken our sign would return on Saturday and he wanted me and Ranma to defeat him. For some reason, this seemed suspicious to me. This dojo destroyer would have had to be a very good martial artist to have beaten Mr. Saotome, even if he is worthless for everything else.

We headed to school, caught up with Ryu, and told him what had happened.

"A dojo destroyer? I was under the impression that those guys only existed in movies and such," Ryu remarked

"That's what I thought," I agreed

"Sounds to me like your fathers are making another ploy to get the two of you on the fast track for romance or some similar bull," Ryu said

"I wouldn't put it past 'em," Ranma agreed and so with the plan to tell our fathers to leave us alone when we got home, we started the school day.

Then gym class rolled around and Shampoo showed up. The crazy Amazon nearly ran everyone over with her bike and apparently didn't care.

"Nihao, Ranma!" She chirped

"Can we help you?" I growled

"The only help that'd do her much good would be the kind found in an asylum," Ryu quipped and we all snickered.

"Are you sure you want to talk to Shampoo like that?" Shampoo asked and then she filled a tub with water, poured something in it, and then dropped a dog into the water; then out popped a boy! Shampoo called it 'instant Nanniichuan'. Ranma looked at the packet like a starved man eyeing a piece of chicken.

"Gee, this doesn't reek of deception at all," Ryu said sarcastically

"What's he gotta do for it?" I asked

"Ranma go on date with Shampoo." She answered

"WHAT?!" Ranma shouted, snapping out of his daze, "If that's the price, I'd rather-" But before Ranma could complete his sentence, Ryu silenced him.

"Ranma will think about it and get back to you later!" Ryu exclaimed and then dragged Ranma off. I sighed and then followed the two to the equipment shed.

"What was that all about? I'd rather stay cursed than go on a date with Shampoo!" Ranma shouted

"I know that! But what if there were a way to make Shampoo _think_ you'd gone on a date with her?" Ryu asked and with a sinking feeling, I figured out where this was heading.

"Ryu, you're not suggesting…?" I was afraid to finish the question

"Yes! I shall disguise myself as Ranma and risk life and limb by going on a date with Shampoo!" Ryu proclaimed

"Really? Thanks!" Ranma said

"Don't thank him; he's just using it as an excuse to dress up. You should see him come Halloween, it's a truly scary thing," I remarked and Ryu had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

"Scarlet's right, but you get the instant Nanniichuan in the bargain, so everyone's happy!" Ryu exclaimed

"Hey, if you're gonna be me, then what happens if you get splashed with water?" Ranma asked

"Pray that the universe cuts us some well deserved slack." Ryu responded

"Alright, just warn us before you put on your disguise. I don't what to suffer through that again," I intoned

"Suffer? What're you talking about?" Ranma asked

"You don't want to know." And that's all I would tell him on the subject. So we exited the shed and told Shampoo that 'Ranma' would go on a date with him. Shampoo told him to meet at the park on Saturday, 2:00 sharp. I couldn't decide who I felt sorrier for, Shampoo or Ryu. After that, the day was more or less normal.

When we got home, however, we discovered more trouble brewing; in the form of a challenge letter from the 'dojo destroyer'. It was set for Saturday. We decided to humor our fathers and not say anything.

Ryu's POV

Well, it was nearly 2:00, so I headed out the door looking for all the world like Ranma's twin. So long as I didn't come in contact with cold water, everything would be fine. I even decided to pick up a bouquet of flowers for her. I had to make it look really good if I wanted to get my hands on that instant powder stuff. I'm sure if Ranma had gone himself, he'd try something stupid, like trying to steal the powder.

"Nihao, Ranma!" Shampoo greeted as she rode up on her bike. I almost didn't respond, but caught myself in time.

"Hey Shampoo!" I greeted back and then I gave her the flowers. She accepted them and then dragged me off to a movie. Thus far, I don't think she suspected a thing.

Ranma's POV

Akane and I were sitting in the dojo, waiting for the 'dojo destroyer' to show up. When he did, our fathers were sitting right beside us. The dojo destroyer was huge with signs hanging all over his body!

"So many dojos, so little time…this will be the thousandth dojo I've destroyed," The dojo destroyer informed us in a low, gravelly voice. With that, the fight was on.

The way the dojo destroyer attacked by using other dojo signs was incredible. He was using his chi to manipulate the signs to do whatever he wanted! The fight would have been a heck of a lot harder if it weren't for the Amaguriken training both of us went through. As it was, the dojo got torn up pretty bad and both Akane and I would have a few new bruises in the morning, but in the end, we managed to defeat the dojo destroyer.

"Alright, we won. Give us back our sign," I panted

"Your sign? I don't have it." The dojo destroyer replied and then walked off. If he didn't have the sign, then that meant only one thing.

"Dad, do you happen to know where our sign is?" Akane asked in a voice that promised lots of pain

"Er, um, well…" He stuttered before bursting into tears

"It was for your own good! As fiancées, you have been neglecting your duties! I-" Before Pops could continue with his little speech, I kicked him into the pond. I just hope Ryu manages to get that instant powder.

Ryu's POV

So far, so good; I had avoided raising Shampoo's suspicions and the date was wrapping up with a nice picnic. Thank goodness, for my brother giving me that disguise kit for my eighth birthday present.

"Ranma, you want instant Nanniichuan powder?" Shampoo asked suddenly

"Er, uh, yeah," I answered

"Then give Shampoo good-bye kiss!" She exclaimed and I felt myself freezing up. SHAMPOO WANTED ME TO KISS HER?!

"What matter, Ranma?" Shampoo asked and the best I could get out were a few incoherent stutters. I had never kissed anyone before! I sure as heck didn't want to waste it on Shampoo! Then I felt something drop into my hands. I looked and it was the instant powder.

"But-" I started

"Is OK, kiss next time!" Shampoo then biked off, leaving me very confused.

Shampoo's POV

I made it home to the cat café and found great-grandmother waiting for me.

"So, you managed to keep son-in-law's attention for a whole afternoon using only a quack remedy," She remarked

"Was not Ranma, was Ryu," I said

"Really?"

"Yes, was very good disguise, but Shampoo notice." I answered

"And what did you do about it?" Great-grandmother asked

"Nothing, Shampoo just give instant Nanniichuan to Ryu. Ryu do it for sake of Ranma and Shampoo respect that." I told her

"Yes, son-in-law certainly does have a…interesting…friend in Ryu," Great-grandmother mused

"Shampoo going to wash now, been tiring day." With that, I went upstairs to do just that.

Akane's POV

"I'm baaack!" Came Ryu's voice and Ranma was the first one to get to him.

"Did ya get it?!" He shouted and Ryu held up the packet. Ranma snatched the packet and his dad took out the koi. After putting in the powder, both of them jumped in. They didn't change. Or at least they didn't until it started to rain.

"WHY?!" Ranma cried and Ryu picked up the packet.

"'One use only'…well crap, looks like Shampoo put one over on all of us," Ryu grumbled and I sighed. Looks like Ranma's curse is here to stay for a while yet.

Ryu's POV

It was the day after and Ranma was still somewhat depressed about not getting cured. So I decided to do something about it.

I waited until it was almost sunset and then dragged Scarlet and Ranma up onto the roof of Furinkan High.

"What's the big idea, bringing us up here?" Ranma asked

"Look." I said simply and pointed to the sunset. It was absolutely gorgeous and we all sat there watching it. I even brought ice cream for the occasion. So as we sat there, eating our ice cream, I felt a sense of contentment and companionship that made me grateful to be alive.

"This is amazing," Scarlet commented

"Yeah, I mean, I've seem hundreds of sunsets on the road with Pops, but this one seems different," Ranma added

"That's because all those other times, you weren't enjoying it with friends," I remarked

"I never woulda' thought it could make so much of a difference," Ranma said

"It's the small things in life that are really special, when shared with good friends," Scarlet remarked

"And good food!" I added and we all chuckled at that

"I wish we could stay like this forever. No parents nagging us about being engaged or any of that other crap; it's just us watching the sunset," Ranma commented

"What a terrible thing to say!" I exclaimed and when Scarlet and Ranma looked at me questioningly, I explained, "Well, this is just one moment in time, one perfect sunset. If we were to stay here forever, then we'd never see another one. Personally, I'd rather have lots of wonderful memories of lots of wonderful sunsets. In addition, if we stayed here forever, then we'd never get to see the adventure on the other side of that sunset! Life may not be easy, but as long as we stick together, there's nothing we can't beat!"

"I don't know, Ryu, Ranma's egotism seems pretty insurmountable," Scarlet quipped and that caused me to laugh out loud.

"Hey! I'm not that bad!" Ranma protested, but I could tell by the way his face was trying, and failing, to stay frowning he found the jab funny himself.

"This proves my point. If we had stayed watching the sunset forever, we'd have never gotten to share this laugh. So I guess it all boils down to sharing as many of these moments with friends as possible and enjoying the adventure of life," I remarked and the other two nodded in agreement. With that, we finished our ice cream and watching the sun go down before returning to our homes.

**For those of you who are fans of Kingdom Hearts, you'll no doubt notice the similarities between this school roof rendezvous and** **the scenes so often enjoyed by Roxas, Axel, and Xion. There is rhyme and reason for this. That last scene was deeply symbolic as both trios will travel eerily similar roads. Will they end up in the same place, however, is for you to ponder.**


	21. Breaking Point Breakthrough

**Exams are coming in fast and furious now, so don't expect to hear from me much until mid-May perhaps. In addition, I will be moving late-May early June. I'm going to Hell! Otherwise known as California, near San Francisco. Pray for me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½, but California is gonna own me big time ;;**

Ranma's POV

The day had started just like any other day. I had been woken up by Pops, and after a quick spar and breakfast went to take a bath. After that, thing began to go downhill. Ryoga had written me a letter, telling me that he'd been training and would be swinging by on Friday to face me. In other words, the day I had gotten the letter. But Ryoga's sense of direction was so bad; he probably wouldn't be here for at least another week.

Sure enough, one week later, Ryoga finally showed up. He attacked as I was taking an eel home to Mr. Tendo from Dr. Tofu.

"Not half bad, considering it's you," I quipped

"I've given you another week to live! You should be grateful." Ryoga replied

"Grateful? For what? The day you actually manage to follow through on your promise to kill me is the day Hell freezes over." I remarked

"Ranma….PREPARE TO DIE!" Ryoga roared and then started trying to break the bowl I was carrying the eel in. He said that if I wasn't carrying it, then I'd be able to fight with a clear conscious or something like that. I dodged for awhile before hitting him right into a nearby fountain. As luck would have it, that's when Akane walked by.

"Yo Akane!" I greeted

"So Ryoga finally showed up? Only a week late too." She observed

"That's what I said!" I exclaimed and then Ryoga finally managed to drag his sorry carcass out of the fountain. Ryoga started bwee-ing something that I doubt was very nice, so I punted him.

Later that day, I thought back on the fight and how seemingly easy it had been. Ryoga had said he'd been training in the mountains, so I came to the only possible conclusion; I was just getting that much better! Come to think of it, I hadn't seen Ryoga since before The Old Ghoul and Shampoo showed up. Heaven knows how much training the Old Ghoul put me, Akane, and Ryu through. If it can be called training instead o' torture.

1 week later

Akane's POV

"I know why you and Ranma are here, but how'd I get dragged along again?" Ryu complained while setting up one of the tents.

"Because Kasumi wanted someone to tag along to make sure Ranma and I didn't get into any 'funny business'." I responded while karate chopping wood. Ranma let loose a snort from his position in the stream, hunting for fish.

"As if I'd do anything with such an uncute tomboy." Ranma teased, and that's the only thing that kept him from a date with Mr. Mallet. As it was, I merely threw a piece of wood at him that nailed the back of his head. He sprung back up with an angry glint in his eyes and his mouth open to hurl an insult, but then a miracle happened. He closed his mouth, thought for a moment and then said

"I deserved that, didn't I?"

"You better believe it," Ryu answered

"And besides, it's not like I'd do anything with such an egotistical jerk who keeps spouting off how much better he is at being a girl than I am," I quipped and Ranma clutched at his heart in a melodramatic fashion

"My pride…I think it's sustained a fatal blow!" He gasped and then pretended to die. This got a chuckle out of both Ryu and me.

"How I got stuck babysitting you jokers…besides, I'm supposed to be going to visit my brother in two weeks! I have to make sure everything's ready!" Ryu groused

"You cannot stand there and tell me you have not had your bags packed with everything you need for at least three weeks now," I said

"But I might forget something…" He protested weakly. Ryu may keep certain things about his past heavily under wraps, but in things like this, I knew him all too well. "In any event, since Ranma's dead, we might as well cannibalize the body. I wonder if he'd change back with hot water, now that he's dead…"

"WHAT?! I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU EAT…me…?" Ranma looked at us confused as we were literally rolling on the ground in laughter.

"I can't believe you took me seriously, even for an instant! I knew you were a bit naive, but I didn't think it was this bad!" Ryu crowed

"I didn't…you're a good actor is all! I was just playing along." Ranma denied and we decided to let the matter lie.

"Well hello! If it isn't the part-timers!" That voice sent shivers up our collective spines. We turned around and sure enough, Cologne had decided to 'grace' us with her presence. "So, are you three in training as well?"

"Well duh." Ranma answered

"What do you mean, 'as well'?" I asked

"Oh just some young man with a yellow bandana who says he knows you." The Old Ghoul responded

"Ryoga!" We all exclaimed at once

"Well, anyway, I came to wish son-in-law here luck. He's going to need it after I'm done with my new trainee." Cologne then jumped on her stick as she cackled.

"Oh well, looks like I won't be able to throw you upon the mercy of Scarlet's cooking after all," Ryu sighed as she left and I promptly crushed him with my mallet.

"What do you mean 'throw me on the mercy of Akane's cooking'?" Ranma asked

"Ow…I mean I was planning to give you a personal introduction to Scarlet's home-made bio-weapons." I glowered at Ryu, but he continued, "For some strange reason, she just can't cook. Heaven knows I've tried to teach her, but every single time she slips something in she wasn't supposed to and before you know it, you have a substance that is banned under international treaty. You're just lucky I got her to try her own cooking before you came around."

"You're pulling my leg, right? Not even Pop's cooking is _that_ bad." Ranma remarked

"As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. I can't so much as make a sandwich without adding in soap flakes or something," I grumbled

"Well, dinner's still a ways off yet. So let's get some training in," Ryu suggested and then we were off doing just that. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but wonder what the Old Bat was teaching Ryoga. She had certainly hinted that she had techniques far more powerful then the Amaguriken, but why would she teach Ryoga of all people?

Speak of the devil, in the middle of training; Ryoga came running through the forest and right into one of my kicks. It looked like he was trying to chase down a rabbit for his dinner.

"Hello Ryoga," I greeted briskly

"Hey Scarlet, it's almost dinner time. Why don't you whip up something for the pork chop?" Ryu suggested, giving me a meaningful look. I knew what he was suggesting and I agreed with him. This was a most excellent way to get some small revenge on Ryoga. At last, my cooking was finally good for something! "Ranma and I will be along later, we just want to finish up."

On the way back to the campsite, Ryoga was smart enough to keep his mouth shut. It took awhile, but I eventually finished some curry. I took a small taste of the finished product and had to fight hard to keep any outward signs of disgust from tipping Ryoga off. I gave him an extra big portion and with a false-sweet smile, got him to eat the whole thing. I was just about to load up a second serving, when the Old Hag found us and dragged the twitching, moaning, sorry wreck that was Ryoga back to their camp. If nothing else, Ryoga had paid off a respectable bit of his debt for his transgression. But before she had left, she told me to tell Ranma that in one week, he and Ryoga would do battle.

The next day, we all decided to go spy on Ryoga and his training. What we found was mildly disturbing. Cologne had tied Ryoga up, hoisted him into a tree, and was swinging boulders at him while he had a single finger sticking out. The Old Ghoul had called the technique the 'Breaking Point'. She claimed that it had been passed down solely through 3000 years of Amazon History. But I had been around Ryu long enough to read at least a few Star Wars books and distinctly remembered that one of the Jedi Masters had known how to use a 'Shatter Point'. From what I remembered, the two sounded almost identical in both name and function.

"But why would the Old Ghoul waste her time on something like that? It's not an offensive technique," Ryu muttered

"Really?!" Ranma hissed, "Because it looks plenty dangerous to me!"

"Relax Ranma; living things don't _have_ a breaking point. He pokes you and you laugh at him. It's as simple as that." I remarked and Ranma looked at me like I had grown a new head. Ryu knowing something obscure was fairly normal, me on the other hand? Not so much. "It's in Star Wars…which you might actually know if you picked up something _other_ than manga."

"Hey-!" Whatever Ranma was going to say in response was lost when we heard a voice behind us.

"Enjoying the view, part-timers?" The Old Ghoul had found us.

"Not particularly, no," Ryu responded and got whacked on the head.

"Run along you three, now that you know what you're up against, maybe son-in-law can prepare. But I doubt it!" And with that, she bounced off to check on Ryoga.

Once we got back to camp, we started to plan. We all agreed the Old Hag was up to something. She wouldn't waste time on something that wouldn't do anything. So we decided two things: First, we'd work on speed like never before. If Ryoga couldn't touch Ranma, then it wouldn't matter what the Old Ghoul was planning. Second, one of us would learn the Breaking Point and see if there was something we were missing (Of course, we wouldn't use the method Cologne was using; that was simply barbaric). We drew straws and I ended up being the one who would learn the breaking point; after Ryu devised a safer way of doing so.

"You know something, I'm glad my Pop isn't here right now. He'd probably suggest something crazy like knocking hornets out of the air," Ranma remarked and for some reason, I got a vision of Mr. Saotome doing just that. After Ranma had told us about Mr. Saotome setting hungry wolves after him when he was seven, nothing surprised me.

Ryu's POV

The week was up and I was fairly happy with our progress. Scarlet had mastered the Breaking Point just last night while Ranma and I had never been faster. Unfortunately, we were still no closer to figuring out _why_ the Old Hag had taught Ryoga the Breaking Point. Looks like she'll just have to explain it to us during the fight and we have to hope Ranma can think up a counter. For whatever reason, the Old Ghoul had tried to kidnap Scarlet in the middle of the night, but she had found me as a rather pissed off kitty cat. Neither of us like to be woken up before 5:00 in the morning and the fact that my cat side was dominate while asleep was what had ruined Cologne's plot.

"Hey son-in-law, how about a bet? If you can beat Ryoga, then you can keep Akane. But if he should be you, then Akane will be Ryoga's fiancé. How about that?" Cologne suggested and it was probably why she had tried to kidnap Scarlet.

"No way you Old Ghoul! I said it to Mousse and I'll say it to you, Akane ain't some prize to be won! She's a human being and she'll decide who she wants to be with!" Ranma declared

"We shall see about that…let's see how well you can defend that statement when you're beaten to a pulp!" Cologne called out and then Ryoga charged with his finger held out. Clearly, The Old Hag and neglected to inform Ryoga of the Breaking Point's limitations.

"For someone trained by the Old Ghoul, you sure leave a lot of openings!" Ranma shouted as he knocked Ryoga to the ground. Ryoga retaliated with a Breaking Point into the ground. Unfortunately, for Ryoga, Ranma was able to catch all the chunks of rock that went flying. Ryoga kept using the Breaking Point again, and again, and again. That's when it clicked, the reason behind the Breaking Point training!

"Ranma, the Breaking Point isn't for _offensive_, but _defensive_!" Scarlet shouted, apparently she figured it out at the same time I did.

"What?!" Ranma shouted

"It makes those that learn it super tough! I didn't realize it because we hadn't sparred while I was doing the training!" Scarlet informed him, "But now that I see Ryoga getting pelted by all those rock shards, I know it must be true!"

"But that means…"

"That's right, son-in-law! You can no more take down Ryoga than a mountain!" The Old Ghoul cackled and then Ryoga let out a slightly insane laugh.

"I didn't wanna have to use this, but…Saotome Secret Technique! FAST BREAK!" Ranma then ran away…I face palmed.

"Some 'secret technique'!" Scarlet couldn't help but laugh. I felt a smile creep on my face despite myself as well. If I had to guess, the whole point was to shout something impressive sounding and catch your opponent off guard when you flee. Then you get to think up a new strategy. If it wasn't so ridiculous, I might have applauded it.

"How much you wanna bet that this 'secret technique' was made by his dad?" I asked Scarlet and she just shrugged. We both knew that it was the most likely answer and we went to track down Ranma. Unfortunately, Ryoga found him first. Fortunately, Ranma managed to hurt him somehow.

"If I have to guess, I'd say it's because Ranma's been hammering the same spot over and over," Scarlet commented, answering my unasked question. Then Ranma managed to get off an Amaguriken on that same spot and Ryoga went down. I thought it was over, but then Ryoga managed to get back up! Ranma unloaded another Amaguriken, but Ryoga remained standing this time! The stamina and toughness the Breaking Point training bestows is truly a thing to behold!

"I wonder how you and bacon breath would go toe to toe. You've both gotten the Breaking Point boost, but you have the advantage of the Amaguriken," I remarked

"I think that thought is best for later. Right now, Ranma's in big trouble," Scarlet said and just then, Ryoga pounced on Ranma and used the Breaking Point. He missed, but blew up the ledge they were on. Ranma took advantage of the situation to give Ryoga one last Amaguriken with everything he had left. It was enough and Ryoga finally fell into unconsciousness.

"I won…" Ranma breathed, hardly believing it. But then the rock they were on broke and they both fell into the river. When we dragged the two of them out and revived Ryoga, Cologne finally told him about the fact that the Breaking Point didn't work on living things. Needless to say, he was pissed at her. She knew to make herself scarce before we heated up some water for him.

"You're just lucky I'm not the type to hold a grudge," Ryoga told us later that day and then walked off into the sunset.

"If he didn't hold grudges, then he wouldn't have followed me to China, now would he?" Ranma grumbled, but Ryoga was already out of earshot.

2 days later

We had finally returned to Nerima and School…now it was time for my plan to come to fruition! Nabiki Tendo walked towards her class, completely unaware of the trap that I had set! Upon returning to Nerima, I had decided that it was time to revenge myself upon the last prank Nabiki had played. So I had swung by the Cat Café and purchased a case of instant Nanniichuan. Now a bucket of water, spiked with the stuff, was connected to a trip wire that I was holding in my hand. I heard Nabiki open the door to her classroom and pulled. When I heard the scream, I knew I had better pull a vanishing act.

Akane's POV

"RYU TOMOE PREPARE TO DIE!" Shouted an unknown guy who was wearing a girl's uniform.

"Sweet revenge!" Ryu chirped from his position on the windowsill and then jumped before the guy could catch him. It didn't take a rocket scientist to piece together what had happened.

"When I get my hands on that no-good…" The guy whom I strongly suspected to be Nabiki growled

"Uh, who are you and what's your beef with Ryu?" Ranma asked

"It's me, stupid! Nabiki!" She barked, "Ryu must have gotten his hands on some of that instant powder and just used it on me!" She then rushed out the door, no doubt to go after Ryu.

"What the heck was that all about?" Ranma wondered and I just sighed

"Looks like the war has started back up and the weapon of choice seems to be instant Jusenkyo water. This could get messy…" I sighed again

"War? What war?" Ranma asked

"Well, no one's really sure who started it, but ever since Ryu and Nabiki met, they've been playing pranks on each other off and on. Most of us think it was just a way to let loose pent up stress or just for the sake of excitement. I think since you came along, they had the longest cease fire I can remember; probably because of all the chaos you bring with you. But it looks like that's over." I told him

"Really? Nabiki doesn't seem like the kind to enjoy playing pranks." Ranma observed

"Everyone needs a hobby," I remarked and that's when Ryu slipped back into the classroom, just as the bell rang. Looks like he's safe for now, but Nabiki will find a way to get him back; she always does.

**And so, The Great War of the Instant Powder has begun. It shall be my first original running joke! Feel free to leave any questions, comments, or constructive criticism! Or Flames…I have excellent flame shields.**


	22. Duck Tales

**My Little Pony and Spider-Man do not mix. **_**EVER! **_**P.S. I'm baaaaaack!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own YouTube or Ranma ½.**

Akane's POV

Things had been altogether too quiet since Ryu had left for America and his brother a week and a half ago. At least as quiet as it got in Nerima. But in the mean time, there was the China Festival and I was able to get a stuffed chicken with coupons. It was either that or the choice between a stuffed pig and a stuffed panda and given the two people I associate with those two animals, it wasn't much of a choice.

I was walking home when I spotted Kasumi, so I decided to show off my latest stuffed animal. Unfortunately, that's when the Universe decided we had had enough of a break and sent our lives back into chaos. He took my stuffed chicken…with grappling claws. Then the guy jumped down from a roof while on a unicycle and told us to tell Ranma that 'the Mysterious Masked Man' had kidnapped me, all the while, he was holding the chicken. He then told us to tell Ranma to be front and center at the Chinese Circus if he ever wanted to see 'Akane' again. Only one human is that stupid and blind. Looks like Mousse has come back to Nerima. He then gave me a ticket and left while cackling the worst cackle I have ever heard.

Two hours later

Ranma and I were at the circus and I was trying to talk Ranma out of it.

"It's not like he's got the real me." I pointed out

"It's the principle of the matter! First, we can't let him walk all over us like that! Second, he stole your stuff. I won't take that lying down." Ranma replied

"I'm not going to win this one, am I? At the very least, try not to antagonize him more than needed." I asked

"Fine, I'll try not to." Ranma conceded and then Shampoo showed up. She tried to drag Ranma off on a date, but he managed to stop her. Shampoo then told us she had found a ticket to the circus and Ranma pulled out the one we had. I guess Mousse wanted to woo Shampoo by trying to beat up Ranma. Mousse then showed up and he had my chicken.

"Ranma Saotome, until you release your evil hold on Shampoo, Akane Tendo shall be my woman," Mousse informed us…this guy was raised in a matriarch, right? I'd hate to see how he'd have turned out if he'd grown up in any patriarchal society.

"Hey stupid, in what was does that look like me!" I shouted at him and he then put on his glasses.

"Akane Tendo had turned into a stuffed chicken!" He cried

"I'm over here you moron." I grumbled and then swiped back my chicken.

With the crisis seemingly averted, we decided to make use of our tickets. We should have known better. In the middle of the circus, Ranma got selected at 'random' for one of the stunts. Ranma was then locked down to a board.

"No worries, assistant only get killed one time!" The Ringmaster informed us. Somehow, that doesn't make me feel better. Then we saw that the performance was a knife throwing duck. As if that wasn't bad enough, the duck seemed to be out for Ranma's blood; if the six knives that he had to catch in his teeth were anything to go by. Then it decided to play WWII pilot started dropping bombs everywhere. Shampoo and I were going to go save him, but when the smoke cleared; neither Ranma nor the duck were to be seen.

Ranma's POV

During the confusion, I manage to break free and grab the duck. When I found some hot water, I discovered that the duck was really a cursed Mousse.

"Prepare for death, Ranma Saotome," Mousse said

"You paid for this ticket, and I plan on enjoying it," I informed the blind idiot.

"Oh, you'll enjoy it alright; I want to share everything with you. Yes, I wouldn't dream of keeping all the 'fun' to myself." Is it just me, or did Mousse just sound incredibly gay for a straight guy? Mousse then showed me a bucket of what he claimed to be Jusenkyo water from the Spring of Drowned Duck. He then told me how he had gotten cursed and got bit by a monkey he thought was me because he had his glasses off again. So while he was busy with the monkey, I dumped out his water. Unfortunately, Mousse had water balloons and tried to soak me.

Thankfully, he got hosed by Shampoo, whom he then tried to woo, but failed. It almost made me feel sorry for the guy. So of course, he had to turn around and nearly skewer me with throwing knives. I tried to get away, but since we were in the middle of the fairgrounds, there were lots of people and Mousse didn't care about any of 'em. So I had to save a couple of people from getting killed and/or turned into ducks. Eventually, I managed to pin Mousse with some pinwheels.

"Listen up, duck boy; stop trying to pin all your problems on me! I've got Ryoga for that! I don't need you doing it too! And besides, I've got about as much interest in Shampoo as-" That's when Shampoo clocked me with a fish tank. As if that wasn't bad enough, she upended the thing on herself and turned into a cat. I took off running and didn't look back.

Akane's POV

I had been looking for Ranma for hours, but still couldn't find him. With any luck, he's back home safe and sound. But I didn't want to risk being wrong and leaving Ranma to a terrible fate. So I kept looking. Shampoo was also missing, but I doubt she somehow managed to get Ranma to take her on a date.

My search took me outside the fairgrounds, where I was ambushed by Mousse. He startled me and then swiped my chicken…again. Then he proclaimed that he had captured me…again. Does he just have some kind of learning disability? I wouldn't be surprised! I decided to head home before Mousse found the presence of mind to put his glasses on to check if he had caught the real me.

On the way home, I couldn't get the image of Ranma and Shampoo out on a date somewhere out of my head. I know it was silly and even on the off chance that he _was_ on a date with her I shouldn't care, but it was still eating at me none-the-less. So I took a moment to think about _why_ it was bothering me. I know Ranma and I had grown closer since the whole Cat Tongue fiasco, but did that include _romantically_? Even if it did, there would be only one real reason I would be jealous of Shampoo…it would because of her willingness to glomp Ranma no matter what form she found him in, girl-type or boy-type. If I were to…kiss…Ranma, would I care if it were as boy-type or girl-type? Should it even matter? Does it make me a horrible person if I _won't_ kiss him in girl-type? Where is Ryu when you need him?!

**I think I'll close it on that note. While I'm thinking about it, thanks to everyone who's reviewed and please leave more reviews in the future!**


	23. Not Yet Dead Man Rising

**Well, California has finally seen fit to spit me out of the abyss, so I might as well type up this chapter before I'm swallowed up again!**

**Disclaimer: Jonah got swallowed by a whale, but I haven't gotten the rights to Ranma ½.**

* * *

Akane's POV

Something was bugging my Dad and Mr. Saotome. I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was, but they were acting weirder than usual. Thankfully, Ryu had returned the night before. Unfortunately, he was going to leave again to deliver a package for his brother.

"So your fathers have forgotten to take their medication, what else is new?" Ryu quipped

"It's not just that, all last night they were quoting old rhymes about bad luck and demons. It's like they're expecting one to show up on our doorstep," I remarked as it started to rain.

"Well, given the weirdness that seems to follow me around, I wouldn't put it pass them to actually know a demon. In fact, that might explain a lot of things," Ranma snarked and then we heard screaming. We turned the corner and found a strange old man.

"Akane!" He cried and jumped at me, but I didn't know him. This seemed to hurt his feelings. Then the little monster tried to grope me, but Ranma and Ryu put a quick stop to that. Then he sprung at Ranma and managed to grope him in his girl form. Ranma quickly removed him.

"You dirty old man, what do you think you're doing?!" Ranma shouted

"And it better be a good answer or I might have to remove you from this plane of existence!" Ryu growled

"You're Soun Tendo's daughter alright, you're so high spirited," The old man grunted

"How do you know my father?" I asked, but he didn't answer. So, against our better judgment, we took him home. When Dad saw the old goat, he looked like he'd seen a ghost…or a demon.

"Master, thank goodness you're alright," Dad said and hugged the small old man. Then Mr. Saotome walked in and quickly walked back out when he spotted the old man. Something was up and it was probably going to blow up in our faces. Dad then tried to pound the old man, but he threw Dad into the koi pond. Then the old man spotted Mr. Saotome in his panda form and saw right through the disguise.

[I'm just an ordinary panda!] Mr. Saotome's sign read

"If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!" My Dad swore to Mr. Saotome.

"What's going on here?" I wondered

"They've been replaced with pod people," Ranma deadpanned and then Dad and Mr. Saotome told us about their 'training' under Happosai. Somehow, it explained so much, yet so little. They also told us about their attempt to kill off the old coot, but obviously, they had failed.

"Maybe you should have used more plastic explosives," Nabiki quipped

"More like a minor nuclear warhead," Ryu remarked

"Well it ain't human I tell ya!" Ranma growled

"He survived getting blown up and survived for over a decade without food or water. I think that definitely qualifies him for non-human status," I quipped as the old man slurped down more sake.

"It's your own fault for not finishing me off when you had the chance," Happosai chortled and that's when Mr. Saotome and Dad attacked, but both were quickly beaten by Happosai.

Later, Happosai informed Mr. Saotome and Dad that he wasn't here for revenge, but he was looking for an heir to take over the Anything Goes School. Suddenly Mr. Saotome and Dad were packed up and ready to move to China.

"If I didn't know you two as well as I do, I wouldn't believe you'd let this old man scare you like this," Ranma snarked and then Mr. Saotome tried to sign over all his parental rights to Happosai. Ryu kicked him out of the yard.

"You lost all parental rights long ago you fat panda!" Ryu shouted and then Happosai tried to grope Ranma and succeeded. It didn't last long, as Mr. Saotome reappeared with hot water and changed Ranma back. Ranma then tried to attack Happosai, but was sent flying into the back wall of the compound for his trouble.

The next morning, Happosai kept trying to grope Ranma, but his success was limited. Things took a turn for the worst when Happosai tried to get Ranma to wear a frilly bra. We tried to escape to school, but he followed us. On the way, Happosai groped Shampoo, but Cologne intervened when she tried to take revenge.

"Shampoo, you'd best leave this one to me," Cologne warned her great-granddaughter, "An old goat like you chasing after young girls? You outta be ashamed of yourself."

"It's the ghoul of the Amazons vs. the Freak of Nature in an anything goes fight to the finish! This I gotta see!" Ranma crowed and the two went at each other, but somehow Happosai managed to slip a bra on Cologne and then left.

"He's better than I remember," Cologne muttered and then advised us not to tangle with Happosai. Unfortunately, Ranma's hot head got the better of him and before Ryu or I could stop it, the two were going to have a fight.

Later that day, just as school let out, we spotted Happosai running away with a bunch of girl's underwear. The old coot then tried to use Ranma as a scapegoat, but that plan didn't work as well as he'd hoped. I'm starting to wonder if the whole Cat's Tongue fiasco wasn't a blessing in disguise.

Anyway, Happosai's setup failed and Ranma tried to fight the old man, but failed. Happosai wanted Ranma to put on that bra, but Ranma was steadfastly against it. So Happosai suggested that if he beat Ranma then Ranma would wear the bra, but if Happosai lost, he'd drop it.

The battle was fairly even, until Happosai pulled out a cheap trick with his battle aura. So Ryu decided to step in and while Happosai was distracted, punted the little monster all the way to the Juban district.

"With any luck, someone will be able to kill him over there," Ryu remarked

"Somehow, I don't think it's going to be that easy," I said

"Probably not, but we can dream, can't we?" Ranma asked and then we felt a collectives shiver run up our spines.

"Nope," We all said at once. Happosai was going to plague us for a long time to come.

* * *

**Happosai will be kept to a bare minimum until I think of a proper way to kill him off. That is all.**


End file.
